Hiding Place

Is it okay to admit that you are tired? Some problems that persist just suck the life out of us. Just wear us down until we have little hope of a fix. That's where I am with a couple three issues that have me tiptoeing around the edges of complete heart-shattered status.

What happens when you reach the end of yourself? Is that a good or a bad place to be? I don't know. Today, I took one of my walks. I will admit to you, walking bores the snot out of me. I want to jog, but I have a knee that acts up if I do. I walked into a neighborhood full of brand-spanking-new, multi-million-dollar homes. They had a couple of swans down by the clubhouse pond. It looked like maybe a wedding reception had taken place over the weekend by the looks of the big white tent with fancy folding chairs under it.

Coming back into my own neighborhood, I heard some wind chimes singing lightly from someone's back patio area. I thought about what it was like to be a child all those many years ago. About what it was like when my oldest son was very young and still carefree. When we laughed and felt hopeful about so many things.

Hope can be elusive. It darts like a butterfly at times, just out of reach, but still in our sphere of existence. Other times it lights unexpectedly upon us in the form of good news.

I think it was Billy Graham who wrote a book called "The Reason for My Hope." I'm sure he was talking about Jesus. I have been looking at my pretty, pink-and-brown NLT Bible for several days now, wondering what it would be like if I spent more time reading it. Maybe that's what I'll do for the next little while. I know I can pray and be at peace, no matter what comes, because God is with me. I can pray about all of my cares, big and small, while being okay with the outcomes because God will be with me all of the way. The knowledge that I will never be alone is like a rock-solid castle that I can hide inside.

Heart Check-Up

I have had a week of broken fellowship with God. We all know He is not the one who moved, as the old saying goes.

Periods like this always start this way:  I encounter a few difficulties which leave me wondering what to do. I feel frustrated. I lose sleep. Then a close friend or family member says something hurtful to the sleep-deprived, frustrated me. I lose it, venting to a trusted friend. The "losing it" becomes a landslide. Every time the person who offended me comes up in conversation (which is often, because I will harp on the offenses), I talk about them in a spite-filled way which shocks even me. Out of a very deep well of hurt, anger and frustration come terrible words that should never be in a Christian's mouth. 

Somewhere in this cycle, I pray for forgiveness out of purely selfish motives. How will I ever be successful in any way in life without God's favor and grace? Down to my knees I go in stark terror. How will I ever face the steep challenges in my life, have the courage to even get out of bed unless I know God is with me? Down to my knees I go in fear. Within the same day, at times, I am back on the venting machine, though venting is a sanitized way of putting "spewing vitriol"....

At some point in the last week, I wanted to tell my friend I was dumping all of this garbage on that this is not the real me. Then I was brought up short by the reality that yes, it is the real me. It most certainly is. The Bible even speaks to this. "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." (Luke 6:45, NLT)

It reveals to me, as well it should, that my heart is in serious need of change. I have been a Christian since I was four years old. While I wasn't born yesterday, and certainly see and understand that all Christians have the fallen nature and sin, I simply don't believe I should, at my age and with the number of years I have under my belt as a believer, be as immature in my spiritual walk as I am. I know that there are Christians who have a better developed ability to love in all situations than I do. I am quick to get angry and to stay there, stewing in my own venom. It is poisonous to my spirit and chokes out anything good that I want to do.

Every time I see that I am seriously compromising what I know to be the truth (that love forms the basis of all Christian teaching/action/thought and that without it I am just following empty religious forms), I make some attempt to take a hard turn, That's what I am doing today. I am taking a two-week break from constant use of social media. During that time I will be quiet some, since I am living in a new place and don't have any friends yet. I am going to pray for clarity as to how to get closer to God during this time. I am going to pray for strength in the storms of my life. I am going to pray for improved sleep and for the ability to handle the days when I have not had much sleep. 

Pray for me!