Taking My Medicine

When we mess up in a relationship, especially in one with a great, time-tested friend and feel so awful, it's helpful to remember that, even though God doesn't sin and is perfect, He still understands when we fail. He still considers the fact that we are frail human beings. He knows our whole story and what sets us up to fail, even in an epic capacity, sometimes.

When the other person, the one we've treated wrongly, is getting their fill of anger out on us, sometimes passively, it's helpful to remember that they may just need some time to process their sense of outrage over working hard at the friendship and having that hard work bounced back on them due to our own selfishness or insecurity.

But in that time of taking our medicine, which might actually help us to remember to handle the relationship differently going forward and can actually be good for the health of the relationship long-term (the setting of boundaries by our friend), we can turn to God for comfort and companionship. He will never reject us, no matter how badly we screw up. We routinely turn away from Him, fail to spend time with Him first every morning, reject his good gifts, fail to thank him for them (or even to notice them at times). We often misquote and misrepresent Him. We say we love Him and we pursue every single thing other than him on a daily basis. And yet God is always waiting with open arms. He doesn't require a season of penitence before allowing us back onto His lap. He doesn't need time to "process" or to heal from the woundings of our rejection and misrepresentation. He just takes us back time and time and time again. We would do well to take time to appreciate that!

There is a double-whammy for people like me who tend to err on the side of control and manipulation to get assurances of worth from the people who matter to them. We are like wounded dogs who are limping to the finish line at times. We've been beaten bloody by rejection and disappointment. We are over-filled with inadequacy. The double-whammy is that we injure our relationships with the very manipulation and control that is employed to cover our bleeding hearts with the relationships. We want a tight fit over our wounds. We want our loved ones to control the bleeding that never, ever seems to end. They can't do it. The double-whammy is that when we seek to assuage the loneliness with manipulation, the injured party recoils and rejects us and the pain is horribly compounded. It's just awful. To top it off, we know we did it to ourselves and we wear the self-inflicted loss like a ten-ton boulder on our back. Then we deal with the fact that we hurt someone we dearly love and that cuts like a knife. So much unnecessary pain.

There is really nothing we can do but wait until the self-styled storm passes. It's awful. We find ourselves wanting to guilt the other party into getting to their healing faster. Won't work. Will slow the process way, way, way down. If you find yourself in this scenario, just go to the Lord. He will not let you down. He will give you the strength to persevere and to be happy in the interim. We can be held and loved by God until the other party welcomes us back into the fold. 

Of Cats and Mouse Tails

This was one of those mornings when summer seems to be trying to give way to fall. The air started crisp, then gently began to mellow into what will probably become a pretty warm day. The sun was shining and I had no reason for pessimism. However, an element of life that has been the bane of my existence since I opened my eyes in birth jumped up and slapped me on both sides of the face. Boredom. I didn’t want to do any of the myriad projects I was planning to attempt today. None intrigued me, none motivated me. That’s why, at 8:30 in the morning, after being up for two hours, I went back to sleep.

Sleep CAN be fun. When you are a dreamer like I am. In my dream, my exhaustion creeped in and I was at the desk of a hotel and suddenly “came to.” The clerk was looking at me curiously and I realized I had dozed off in front of him. Then I went out and the scene became a temporary apartment that we were living in while either a house was built or closed on, I can’t remember which. I saw my cat easing behind the sofa in the living room. She emerged with the tail of a mouse wriggling from her mouth. I carefully opened the front door of the apartment and called to her to come. I wanted that dern mouse out of the house.

She did go out and when she did, I noticed a cute little puppy emerging from the front terrace area of the apartment next door. I was going to knock on the door when I saw that there were two or three and a kitten too. “This is exactly what I need,” I thought as I reached for one of the wriggling puppies. (REALLY? I NEED ANOTHER PET/PUPPY? This is my go-to when I am bored with life. I think “This is exactly what the doctor ordered” about a plethora of unnecessary/impractical/outright lunatic things.) I also (in the dream) thought “I haven’t owned a soft-gray-colored kitten in a very long while. I think that will fill the void.” These are not the idle musings of the unconscious. I really do think this way in times of severe intellectual drought.

The sad thing is, I can battle depressing, soul-crushing boredom in the midst of serious challenges. Depends on what the challenge is. The challenge itself and the uphill tasks might be deadly tedious or feel like they can’t be done at all.

Lately I’ve been reminding myself that God is a lot of things, but boring He is not. When I’m feeling unfulfilled, like today, I’m missing something.  There is something I’m called to do that I’m just not doing! It’s time to go deeper in prayer and contemplation. It’s time to really listen. There’s something there that will be tailor-made for my interests and abilities that will be fulfilling on many levels. I was made for action, not sleep in the daytime (unless I had a really poor night’s sleep or am cutting back on caffeine. If that’s the case, you BETTER NOT come knocking).

I’m a writer and thus, by nature, a creative person. So the key for me is greater creative outlets, more interesting writing projects. I’m trying to build a business and so, sometimes looking at online job postings makes me feel like I’m applying to make widgets. I’d rather do something that won’t pay a thing but will be so much fun. I have an overall desire to do both, just like all of the rest of you. Sometimes, especially for someone with a nine-to-five job that they can’t give up, the key to soul-deadening boredom is to find some kind of balance in life. I’ve talked about this before in this blog, but it’s probably hard to hear coming from someone who doesn’t have to work. Someone who regularly blows the day at Cade’s Cove with her dog. I get it, I do. But listen to me. You’ve got to have something to look forward to. You have to. If you have talents or interests you cannot apply at work, you’ll have to find a hobby that allows their expression. You’ll perish if you don’t! Go out after work today (if you have a modicum of energy left) and grab some balance. It will make a difference. I guarantee you. If you start feeling some sort of man-made religious condemnation, go ahead and shrug that off. God isn’t boring and he doesn’t expect you to live a hollow, joy-less, work-around-the-clock life. You can quote me on that.