This is a blog post designed SPECIFICALLY for people whose lives have turned out radically different from what they were expecting. This is for the mom who didn't plan to lose her child, the husband who never thought his wife would leave, the employee who didn't know her boss secretly despised her and certainly never saw the pink slip in the works, the man who thought the investment was sound, the woman who thought she was on top of her "social" drinking until the state took her children. It's dedicated to the law student who made the review and got the girl and was pitched out for cheating and then lost the girl. It's for all of you. You didn't see "life" in the trenches coming. Whether it was the extreme optimism of youth, or the mountain-moving faith of your forefathers, you DID NOT EXPECT WHAT YOU ARE LIVING THROUGH. This, my dear friends, is for you.
Many of us did what we thought was best and right for a long period of time and we reaped ashes in certain corridors. That feels particularly harsh. What it did for me was to plunge me into condemnation for the many areas I did fail. I didn't pray enough. I wasn't careful enough with my mouth. I wasn't in church enough. I wasn't, didn't, couldn't, and should have a million times over. I rode that train to the end of the line. The conductor actually said "You have to get off here. It's the end of the line." I stayed on the train, eating my Oreos and shaking my head "no." The train de-materialized (because it was the literal end of the line), and I found myself overeating in a grassy field. I was still clinging (through my food addiction) to the should-haves. I was punishing me. Acceptance was far, far away. It shimmered in the distance like a giant, oily vat of sorrow. It should have looked like the promised land, but I wasn't illuminated yet.
What I am going to say next may, at first blush, look exactly like defeatism. Like I have given up on seeing the goodness of the Lord "in the land of the living," (what King David prayed for). It's not. I do expect to see His goodness, because He is the giver of ALL good gifts. All of them. He delights in answering prayer, and I will never stop praying about all of the issues and people in my life that are close to my heart. I'll never stop believing. I want to die with the prayer of faith on my lips and I most assuredly DO believe that we have not, quite often, because we ask not. I also believe that we FREQUENTLY give up just before our breakthrough. We let down our corner of the prayer parachute. However, there is a place in the life of a Christian for the beautiful healing pool of acceptance. We have to understand that there is only so much that we can do, and the rest must be left up to the Lord and to the will of others who, though we love them, must make the choice for Christ on their own. Entirely on their own. The choice for Christ involves more than salvation. It involves the daily decision to turn the life and will entirely over to Him for HIS purposes. That's a personal interaction with a living God. Three's a crowd. I can offer my heartfelt intercession, but that's all.
I was so deeply concerned with what others thought of me for so very long that I could not even attend church routinely. I never knew what to do, honestly. I couldn't hide my brokenness, so I hid my whole self. I crumbled further under the weight of isolation. Today I find that pride will smother all growth and life in Jesus. Sure, there are religious people and even entire churches who are to be avoided. They will smother and kill the spirit of a person through judgment and condemnation. They will "should" a person into emotional oblivion. On the whole, however, church is the hospital for the broken. The devil knows that. He will keep us away from other Christians at all costs. It's a special mission of his. I'm committed to church (Christian fellowship) now. Absolutely committed.
Here's today's punchline: I've decided not to live my life in search of admiration and acceptance. Circumstances have forced me to this crossroads, and I'm glad they did. Instead, I want to live poured out. Just like those colorful stones on the floor of Lake McDonald in Glacier National Park that I waited months to see, my life will be a profusion of colors tumbled across the floor of this world in service to heal and love others.
