In Memory of Carson James Davis

I never met Carson. Well, perhaps in my dreams...those not remembered. I met his cousin in my remembered dreams...the child I miscarried at 42. My dreams are vivid and remind me that the veil between this life and the next is very thin, sheer at times.

My husband's nephew and his wife lost Carson recently. A handful of days from his due date, his ethereal soul passed into eternity, leaving behind a beautiful shell that was delivered by doctors and placed into the arms of his grieving parents and grandparents. He was photographed and caressed, but his spirit was already with God.

What this little boy will never know is sin and heartache, loss, struggle, and disappointment. What he will know none of us earthbound beings can say, though we are absolutely certain that it is wonderful beyond imagining. He was fully innocent and is now physically with his heavenly Father.

I heard someone say once that babies grow up in heaven. That remark rang true to me. God is their Father and they know no lack as they grow. When we encounter them on the other side, they won't be a static, unknowing infant. They will be fully alive and continuously developing as a unique person.

The experience of carrying Carson and eagerly anticipating his entrance into the world, into her world, is not wasted for his mother. No, Carson has an eternal soul that is now with God. He is more alive today than he was in the womb. His mother and father were the God-ordained conduits for his existence and they will meet him one day. It will be a joy-filled reunion sparkling with beauty and other-worldly love. God will envelop them as they embrace. He brought them together on earth and He will reunite them in the hereafter.

When we lose a loved one on this finite, fallen earth, we feel shattered beyond repair because we cannot see, feel, or hear them. We cannot talk to them, sing with them, enjoy with them. We cannot hug them or cry with them. It's difficult beyond expression. Words fail and tears fall. But God. He is our Rock and Redeemer and the assurance of our becoming reunited with those He has put into our lives. He is absolutely faithful and He will do it. And in the in-between time He will count our tears as they fall.

Psalm 56:8 (New Living Translation)
 "You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book."

Daily Unfolding

The candle in the picture is burning on my coffee table as I sit here, my laptop on my lap. Two points of light. I love it. My favorite type of candle, however, is the three-wick candle. After all, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit burn in my heart like the points of flame and they release a beautiful fragrance into my life. 

If God really flows through our lives, we will feel His presence every single day. We will always know that He is with us, that He is above all and in all and working through every single circumstance. I'm so relieved that I know Him and that, as the scriptures teach, I CAN hear His voice. I can. It's so completely fulfilling and utterly enthralling. 

This morning I felt led to go into a particular gift shop. I saw the words "Beauty is Everywhere" on one of the gifts. Got in the car and heard Toby Mac singing about how God is in everything, all day. I asked God why He wanted me to have this particular message at this particular time. I thought He answered me "Because it is true." It is true. I remember once when He very clearly told me over and over again that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I was very confused as to why that particular point of scripture was being brought to my attention again and again and I suppose, after today's event, that the answer is that it is simply because it it true. 

When God tells us to do something, we will be utterly miserable until we do it. We will be as unfulfilled as the rest of the world is, grasping for pleasure like a castaway on a deserted isle seeks food, shelter and water. We were built for the adventure of pursuing and knowing God and being used for His specific purposes. It's a daily treasure, a daily unfolding.

His Strength, My Weakness

There were baptisms at church today. When they were finished, we all sang "Amazing Grace." My eye caught the top of a leafy green tree, in relief against a clear sky. I was so hurt. I cried. I don't understand why I'm suffering some of the things I am suffering. Relationships have always been more important to me that anything else, including achievement and material possessions. I feel I have done things to preserve and protect the ones closest to me and, yet, some that are very important to me are strained and distant. I'm a little bereft.

I guess the tree caught my attention because it is living. A couple of my relationships, once so alive and full of promise, feel distant and sad. Empty. Lined with rejection. I went home and crawled into bed. I lay there off and on a couple of times. I talked to the Lord about how hard it is to go on some days. I know He heard me and He will sustain me. It was just one of those days where it was hard to put on a happy face and do the laundry and dishes. It was hard to imagine getting up tomorrow and doing all of my daily-ness all over again. But I will.

I mentioned yesterday that I'm battling some addictions (food, internet, social media, etc.). When I back away from them I feel the rush of emotions that they were distracting me from. I guess I need the same pep talk I've given countless times to a loved one who is addicted to drugs. I keep telling them that life is hard and we have to power through in God's strength, because our own will never, ever, ever cut it!

God's strength and sense of purpose is always there, no matter how fierce the storm. No matter how the winds howl and the rain snatches your dreams from your hands, whirling them into the gutter, slanting sideways to beat the smile from your face. He is always there. We live for him, not merely in the light of his presence. We live to know him and to be known by him. Those of us who are in Christ have a treasure that cannot be wrenched from our hands. There is no rain that can drown our purpose in Christ. I suppose today was a day for me to be honest with the Lord (and I was) and to make a plan to renew my joy in Him for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day. It usually is.

A Full Life

I realized the other day that I struggle with boredom, and this gives rise to addictive behavior (food, internet, social media). This makes absolutely no sense for a child of God. Should never be the case. What I think the boredom translates to is not seeking God. There is absolutely no facet of his being that is dull. It is all riveting. Not exciting, but RIVETING.

Sure, we all have boring tasks to complete every single day. But they are not the whole of our existence. Even those tasks can be brought under the umbrella of fulfillment if they are done to the glory of God and with the certainty that there is something unique and challenging just up ahead. 

So here I sit, at nearly fifty, like an old lady at a bus station. I see myself in my sensible shoes, drab overcoat, set hair. Time to change that dynamic. Yuck! No wonder I am slathering the bread with two inches of jelly and enough peanut butter to choke a draft horse. Who wouldn't? Who honestly wouldn't??? I am going to shake up my lens. See an adventure through the tube of daily ordinariness!

It occurred to me that when I feel bored and unfulfilled, it's because I am not pushing myself to my potential spiritually or personally (the two are inextricably linked). When I get off my behind and seek God's face and his unique will for MY life though prayer, hard work and creativity, the hours fly. The days race by. I can look back and see a beautiful quilt of a week! 

Harvard-educated commentator Charles Krauthammer recently said that, in light of the fact that his doctors have given him only weeks to live, he has no regrets. He has lived life the way he wanted to. This set my over-thinking psyche into overdrive. Oh the regrets I have! Again, pure nonsense for the child of God. Just this morning the Lord reminded me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Get up and get going! Eternity is a very long time. I believe we'll be serving God and enjoying him in fascinating ways for the whole of it. No boredom, just adventure and joy! How great it is that I can start now!

My prayer today is that I seek to become all that God created me to be, holding nothing back. I want to submit my whole self to Christ for eternity, worshiping Him and emptying myself out before Him all day, every day. Just plain old full submission. I'm so blessed that what I receive in return is his loving care, guidance and fellowship. He is my father. So glad.

Settling the Matter

"'Come now, let us settle the matter,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'" Isaiah 1:18 (Holy Bible, New International Version)

For so many years, I've been walking in the half-light of partial forgiveness. It's fairly easy for me to forgive most people, but I usually cannot forgive myself. At least not fully. Let me describe some of the fruits of this lack of forgiveness of myself.

Depression. This is far and away the largest load I drag. I can't even carry it on my back, so heavy and unwieldy is this package. I have ropes attached to my arms and I'm always going uphill, depression in an oxcart just behind. I'm the ox. Always either plodding painfully slowly or drowning the pain of the burden in shopping or eating. I'm always reaching for coffee because depression is patently exhausting.

Another fruit of my failure to forgive myself is stunted potential. I just don't believe I deserve for anything good to happen to me, so I leap ahead and sabotage myself. I back away from good ideas and interesting people because I do not believe I deserve a second of happiness, let alone fulfillment.

I have suffered from a total lack of peace a large percentage of the time because, after all, who knows what terrible things will happen to a person who is guilty of so much! My guilt is like a heavy coat of armor, only it does not protect, it suffocates.

I used to say that I never want to be one of those faithless, "hang-on-'til-heaven" Christians. At nearly the half-century mark, that's exactly what I have become. I want to reverse this. I know I cannot. But God can.

I was walking in my yard and realized a powerful truth many months ago. There is no reason for me to fear coming under the full grace of God. This means that I can cop to any and all of my sins and egregious failures without falling apart because all are covered by the blood of Jesus. He has not only paid for them all, but He is able to restore to my life and others anything those sins have stolen. He can heal the relationships they have damaged and bind up my heart and the hearts of any I have hurt along the way. He can make me absolutely pure again.

I cannot imagine anything more desirable.

"If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." Romans 14:8 (Holy Bible, New International Version)

Of the Rest of My Life

How many times have you read or heard the sentence "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Every single time I hear it, I hold my chin a bit higher. I make an attempt at a better day than I might have had, productivity-wise. I try harder! There is something so deeply moving and wonderfully motivating about a fresh start! to think that I get one each and every day is a gift beyond imagining and completely worth savoring. Another saying I read recently opined that you cannot go back and change the beginning but you can, in fact, make a choice about the ending. Love that. Another beautiful breeze beneath my wings on this old, careworn, sin-sick and spiritual warfare-filled earth.

Sometimes we find ourselves suddenly staring at a situation that came about through no fault of our own, much like a hiker facing a bear on a lonely mountain ledge. In a case like that, we need the same fortitude called for when we have decided to make a fresh start regarding our own habits and behaviors. The essential thing to remember is to not let the situation defeat you, but instead turn it over to God so that His power will reign in you and in the circumstances and His Spirit will lead you through the narrows. Ephesians 6:18 says "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." (Holy Bible, New International Version)

When you face a challenge, especially one that you had no preparation for, it's super easy to buckle. Depending upon your innate personality, this may happen without your even registering the response. I'm an emotionally complex person (I think we are all wonderfully complex, but MY emotions tend to behave like a pack of wild horses after a gun has sounded), and my reactions to life's curveballs are as varied as the product lines at a flea market. There's no predicting them! My emotions are the strongest current in my life, except the river of the Holy Spirit. If I'm not careful, they drown my purpose. Every now and then I am able to pluck it from the gushing flow and give it a little CPR on the bank. Unfortunately, it's not long before the rapids of my feelings eddy and swirl violently, tossing my purpose again. My current goal is to keep on top of that current. I'd like to stay dry in a lovely canoe. It will all be God's doing, of course. I'd like to hold onto Him so tightly that the current beneath me becomes that of His Spirit! He'll never toss me from the canoe. He'll only sustain me gently within it. The scenery will be magnificent! What an adventure!

I've found a few practical ways to stay on the river of the Holy Spirit versus being tossed down sloughs of despair, terror and wasted time. The first one is, of course, more time spent renewing my mind through prayer and the word of God (the Bible). The second involves not re-polluting my mind after it has been cleansed by the above. When I limit my internet and social media time, my world is instantly transformed. It is infinitely more peaceful and pure. How many times have you read salacious news stories or scrolled your FB feed only to feel as if your spirit has been buried in swamp mud? The third practical way I stay in the Spirit is to be intentional about my life and my gifts. To ask God what to do and then accept his help in doing it. I've got a long way to go, light years, actually, before I can say I've got those three down pat, but I'm headed in the right direction and it feels amazing. My circumstances had to become horrific before I felt an urgency about these matters.( I'm such a procrastinator, I believe I would put off my own funeral if I could, but that's a blog post for another day.)

It's near the end of the day here in North America. Hey, it's the first evening of the rest of my life! I think I'll just be happy tonight!

Into the World

I was once determined to become a famous journalist. With that aim in mind, I sashayed off to college and then graduate school, landing an exciting internship at the Miami, Florida NBC owned-and-operated station. I then started my first professional job at a tiny ABC affiliate in my hometown. Insert colossal u-turn. I got married, started a family and abandoned my career for an extended period of time, choosing love, security and care for others over my initial ambitions. The need for affirmation on a larger stage never really left me, though, its influence streaking through my blood like an invisible disease. I still harbored dreams of writing a bestseller. Of making a mark. Of showing up on the world's radar.

As a television reporter in my hometown for just over a year, I got a taste of universal acceptance. Many people treated me with a degree of deference simply because my image appeared on their television screens for a few minutes each week. It was intoxicating. I love people, all kinds of people, and it was so wonderful to be "loved" back. I, of course, now realize that their "love" was wholly superficial. It was as substantial as a broken reed in a hurricane. I was content, however, with being in their lives, no matter how I got there! People are wonderful, interesting and precious to me. I truly enjoy them.

Two decades of utter obscurity later, I've got something new in my blood. It's the unmistakable yearning for significance. I want my life to count for Christ. I realize that I have no way of making that happen under my own steam, so I'm working on submitting to Him to work whatever good He will from whatever I have to give. I have viewed this blog as one of those "whatevers." If I have a spark of light, let me fling it into the dark corners of this world. Now, instead of seeking my own reknown, I want to fling my gifts backward without a glance, tossing them into the night stillness of need, letting them land where the Spirit guides them. I don't want to care who sees, who applauds, who knows. It's utterly freeing and outrageously gratifying. It feels right because it IS right.