Fresh Water

Fresh water. A spring bubbling up from deep in the earth. Metaphors for the new life in Christ. We make it all so complicated when it really boils down to this, this idea of the unpolluted life. Jesus nailed our sin to the cross and He also clears the springs of our hearts when we invite Him into our every day. How does He do that? When we offer, to the best of our ability, our whole life to Him, He directs the things we read, what we say, who we listen to and what we watch. The whole of our existence flows in the river of His purity and love. It buries our past sins, our guilt, our shame and our wounds. We rise like the new creatures that we most assuredly are.

Feel you have failed at taking hold of this? So do I. I take heart in the fact that God knows I'm weak, that He knows I bring zero to the table on my own. He loves me anyway. He wants me anyway. Very hard to take in, yet WE MUST! We are not rejected for our failures, for our shortcomings...rather we are justified right in the middle of them. We are given robes of righteousness courtesy of the very high price Christ paid at the cross.

Our enemy spends every moment of every day working to cheat us out of the freedom Christ's sacrifice bought us. He tells us we are not paid for, that we must do, be and achieve more and more to be good enough for God, for His love, for His fellowship. When we finally realize that, as His deeply loved children we are blood-bought saints destined for intimacy with our Father and for a joy and peace-filled soul, then we can move on into every good thing He has planned for us!

Pools

 Wax has memory. When you burn a candle for the very first time, the liquid wax pool at the time the candle is extinguished leaves a decisive ridge. Every time you burn  the candle after that, the melted wax pool will never get larger than the imprint of the first burn. Memory.

If the wax pool is small, no matter how deep it gets, the full potential of fragrance release into the room is never realized. This may seem like a very small matter to you, but to candle snobs, it is very big indeed. I give or throw away candles I cannot smell. I purge them from my existence. They are frustrating reminders of a purchase gone bad.

I wonder if God is frustrated by our own small wax pools of influence? I mean, He created us, He knows our full potential, and He sees those of us who are flopping and floundering and drowning our purposes in tiny wax pools of doubt, indecision and fear. Some (not me) are working very, very hard. They are boldly making inroads into their destinies, using all of the natural talents God gave them. Some of those people are still burning small pools. "Wait a minute," you're now thinking. "I'm one of those people. I am accomplished. I am using my talents. I haven't hidden ANY in the ground." Good for you. Good for you.

I've come to realize that the large, fragrant wax pools come from vessels that are emptied out spiritually. Poured out on God's altar. In-filled daily with His anointing. Goes lots deeper than musical ability, writing talent, superior intellect. It has to do with being fully yielded to the Spirit. Trust me, I am only dipping my toe into these waters yet. I'm fully aware that I have, figuratively speaking "miles to go before I sleep," as Frost wrote in his epic poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening." I'm a very tiny babe in these woods. I don't even want this emptying out and filling in to the degree that is necessary. I'll admit it intimidates my selfish flesh to a degree I cannot begin to describe.But I want to want it and I pray for the Spirit to make it my passion. To change me to the degree that I do not recognize myself at all. Only He can. Only He can. But it's possible. I know it is because I would not feel the unmistakable call if it were not. No.

In Memory of Carson James Davis

I never met Carson. Well, perhaps in my dreams...those not remembered. I met his cousin in my remembered dreams...the child I miscarried at 42. My dreams are vivid and remind me that the veil between this life and the next is very thin, sheer at times.

My husband's nephew and his wife lost Carson recently. A handful of days from his due date, his ethereal soul passed into eternity, leaving behind a beautiful shell that was delivered by doctors and placed into the arms of his grieving parents and grandparents. He was photographed and caressed, but his spirit was already with God.

What this little boy will never know is sin and heartache, loss, struggle, and disappointment. What he will know none of us earthbound beings can say, though we are absolutely certain that it is wonderful beyond imagining. He was fully innocent and is now physically with his heavenly Father.

I heard someone say once that babies grow up in heaven. That remark rang true to me. God is their Father and they know no lack as they grow. When we encounter them on the other side, they won't be a static, unknowing infant. They will be fully alive and continuously developing as a unique person.

The experience of carrying Carson and eagerly anticipating his entrance into the world, into her world, is not wasted for his mother. No, Carson has an eternal soul that is now with God. He is more alive today than he was in the womb. His mother and father were the God-ordained conduits for his existence and they will meet him one day. It will be a joy-filled reunion sparkling with beauty and other-worldly love. God will envelop them as they embrace. He brought them together on earth and He will reunite them in the hereafter.

When we lose a loved one on this finite, fallen earth, we feel shattered beyond repair because we cannot see, feel, or hear them. We cannot talk to them, sing with them, enjoy with them. We cannot hug them or cry with them. It's difficult beyond expression. Words fail and tears fall. But God. He is our Rock and Redeemer and the assurance of our becoming reunited with those He has put into our lives. He is absolutely faithful and He will do it. And in the in-between time He will count our tears as they fall.

Psalm 56:8 (New Living Translation)
 "You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book."

Daily Unfolding

The candle in the picture is burning on my coffee table as I sit here, my laptop on my lap. Two points of light. I love it. My favorite type of candle, however, is the three-wick candle. After all, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit burn in my heart like the points of flame and they release a beautiful fragrance into my life. 

If God really flows through our lives, we will feel His presence every single day. We will always know that He is with us, that He is above all and in all and working through every single circumstance. I'm so relieved that I know Him and that, as the scriptures teach, I CAN hear His voice. I can. It's so completely fulfilling and utterly enthralling. 

This morning I felt led to go into a particular gift shop. I saw the words "Beauty is Everywhere" on one of the gifts. Got in the car and heard Toby Mac singing about how God is in everything, all day. I asked God why He wanted me to have this particular message at this particular time. I thought He answered me "Because it is true." It is true. I remember once when He very clearly told me over and over again that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I was very confused as to why that particular point of scripture was being brought to my attention again and again and I suppose, after today's event, that the answer is that it is simply because it it true. 

When God tells us to do something, we will be utterly miserable until we do it. We will be as unfulfilled as the rest of the world is, grasping for pleasure like a castaway on a deserted isle seeks food, shelter and water. We were built for the adventure of pursuing and knowing God and being used for His specific purposes. It's a daily treasure, a daily unfolding.

His Strength, My Weakness

There were baptisms at church today. When they were finished, we all sang "Amazing Grace." My eye caught the top of a leafy green tree, in relief against a clear sky. I was so hurt. I cried. I don't understand why I'm suffering some of the things I am suffering. Relationships have always been more important to me that anything else, including achievement and material possessions. I feel I have done things to preserve and protect the ones closest to me and, yet, some that are very important to me are strained and distant. I'm a little bereft.

I guess the tree caught my attention because it is living. A couple of my relationships, once so alive and full of promise, feel distant and sad. Empty. Lined with rejection. I went home and crawled into bed. I lay there off and on a couple of times. I talked to the Lord about how hard it is to go on some days. I know He heard me and He will sustain me. It was just one of those days where it was hard to put on a happy face and do the laundry and dishes. It was hard to imagine getting up tomorrow and doing all of my daily-ness all over again. But I will.

I mentioned yesterday that I'm battling some addictions (food, internet, social media, etc.). When I back away from them I feel the rush of emotions that they were distracting me from. I guess I need the same pep talk I've given countless times to a loved one who is addicted to drugs. I keep telling them that life is hard and we have to power through in God's strength, because our own will never, ever, ever cut it!

God's strength and sense of purpose is always there, no matter how fierce the storm. No matter how the winds howl and the rain snatches your dreams from your hands, whirling them into the gutter, slanting sideways to beat the smile from your face. He is always there. We live for him, not merely in the light of his presence. We live to know him and to be known by him. Those of us who are in Christ have a treasure that cannot be wrenched from our hands. There is no rain that can drown our purpose in Christ. I suppose today was a day for me to be honest with the Lord (and I was) and to make a plan to renew my joy in Him for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day. It usually is.

A Full Life

I realized the other day that I struggle with boredom, and this gives rise to addictive behavior (food, internet, social media). This makes absolutely no sense for a child of God. Should never be the case. What I think the boredom translates to is not seeking God. There is absolutely no facet of his being that is dull. It is all riveting. Not exciting, but RIVETING.

Sure, we all have boring tasks to complete every single day. But they are not the whole of our existence. Even those tasks can be brought under the umbrella of fulfillment if they are done to the glory of God and with the certainty that there is something unique and challenging just up ahead. 

So here I sit, at nearly fifty, like an old lady at a bus station. I see myself in my sensible shoes, drab overcoat, set hair. Time to change that dynamic. Yuck! No wonder I am slathering the bread with two inches of jelly and enough peanut butter to choke a draft horse. Who wouldn't? Who honestly wouldn't??? I am going to shake up my lens. See an adventure through the tube of daily ordinariness!

It occurred to me that when I feel bored and unfulfilled, it's because I am not pushing myself to my potential spiritually or personally (the two are inextricably linked). When I get off my behind and seek God's face and his unique will for MY life though prayer, hard work and creativity, the hours fly. The days race by. I can look back and see a beautiful quilt of a week! 

Harvard-educated commentator Charles Krauthammer recently said that, in light of the fact that his doctors have given him only weeks to live, he has no regrets. He has lived life the way he wanted to. This set my over-thinking psyche into overdrive. Oh the regrets I have! Again, pure nonsense for the child of God. Just this morning the Lord reminded me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Get up and get going! Eternity is a very long time. I believe we'll be serving God and enjoying him in fascinating ways for the whole of it. No boredom, just adventure and joy! How great it is that I can start now!

My prayer today is that I seek to become all that God created me to be, holding nothing back. I want to submit my whole self to Christ for eternity, worshiping Him and emptying myself out before Him all day, every day. Just plain old full submission. I'm so blessed that what I receive in return is his loving care, guidance and fellowship. He is my father. So glad.

Settling the Matter

"'Come now, let us settle the matter,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'" Isaiah 1:18 (Holy Bible, New International Version)

For so many years, I've been walking in the half-light of partial forgiveness. It's fairly easy for me to forgive most people, but I usually cannot forgive myself. At least not fully. Let me describe some of the fruits of this lack of forgiveness of myself.

Depression. This is far and away the largest load I drag. I can't even carry it on my back, so heavy and unwieldy is this package. I have ropes attached to my arms and I'm always going uphill, depression in an oxcart just behind. I'm the ox. Always either plodding painfully slowly or drowning the pain of the burden in shopping or eating. I'm always reaching for coffee because depression is patently exhausting.

Another fruit of my failure to forgive myself is stunted potential. I just don't believe I deserve for anything good to happen to me, so I leap ahead and sabotage myself. I back away from good ideas and interesting people because I do not believe I deserve a second of happiness, let alone fulfillment.

I have suffered from a total lack of peace a large percentage of the time because, after all, who knows what terrible things will happen to a person who is guilty of so much! My guilt is like a heavy coat of armor, only it does not protect, it suffocates.

I used to say that I never want to be one of those faithless, "hang-on-'til-heaven" Christians. At nearly the half-century mark, that's exactly what I have become. I want to reverse this. I know I cannot. But God can.

I was walking in my yard and realized a powerful truth many months ago. There is no reason for me to fear coming under the full grace of God. This means that I can cop to any and all of my sins and egregious failures without falling apart because all are covered by the blood of Jesus. He has not only paid for them all, but He is able to restore to my life and others anything those sins have stolen. He can heal the relationships they have damaged and bind up my heart and the hearts of any I have hurt along the way. He can make me absolutely pure again.

I cannot imagine anything more desirable.

"If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." Romans 14:8 (Holy Bible, New International Version)