I Let Myself Rejoice

I am old enough to realize that most women wait until they are thoroughly out of the miscarriage "danger" zone before sharing the good news with friends and family. I am not wired that way. I did not wait. Barely five weeks pregnant, I called my OB's office immediately. "We do not see patients this early," was the calm reply. "NOT EVEN THE OLD ONES?!" I retorted. "I mean, I am reaaaalllly old! Anything could happen here!" A couple of hours later my phone rang. My doctor had seen the message from me and he would see me right away. Meanwhile, my husband informed me that he was really embarrassed that we had found ourselves in this situation. Rather than offending me, his comment made me laugh. We had been married for seventeen-and-a-half years. We were hardly two unwed teens trying to hide the news from our parents. Every single thing about this pregnancy was legit, right down to my continued stay-at-home mom status. We had the template in place. All we needed now was our little bundle of joy. I went to the first OB visit alone. The ultrasound proved that all was well. I could even see the yolk sac, although, at five weeks, it was too early to see much else. I was completely overwhelmed with joy. Though a bit intimidated by the prospect of giving birth at almost forty-three years of age, I could not help but begin to plan, and dream, immediately. Compounding my joy was the fact that my youngest sister had told me she was expecting one week prior to the discovery of my own pregnancy. I was convinced of three things: God was doing something special for me and my sister, timing things this way, God had seen my horrific struggle with depression and defeat and He was healing me in this miraculous way, and that all would be well because He never writes checks He cannot cash. I was leaning into Him. Still, when, near the end of my appointment, my doctor mentioned that the next visit would be a follow-up, and then the one after that the first actual OB visit "in case this ends up as a pregnancy that didn't go anywhere," I felt a cold flash of fear. Could a gift so precious as accidental conception after forty be uncermoniously snatched from me? I didn't think it would go that way, but couldn't help reaching out to family for comfort on that point.