A New Addiction for Me?

I thought of an off-the-wall (imagine that) analogy last night as I struggled to fall asleep. I have opened my first ebay account (a decade behind the rest of the world, according to my teenager). After bidding on craft supplies, I set immediately about making sure I could see anything and everything related to my hobbies. This filled my mind with images of vintage this and that. The secondary market is alive and well in the hallowed halls of ebay, where I imagine myself endlessly rowing a little boat up and down sloughs, my husband's credit card doubling as an oar, stopping off to gaze at various and sundry items until my vision blurs and I slam my laptop in disgust at my lack of self-control. Back to the analogy. As sleep tried to crowd the corners of my mind, I thought of my life as a vintage latch-hook kit. My packaging is beginning to wear. It is still on me, but it is looking older. But Jesus can take what is in me and make something entirely new, in the same way that I can rip into a vintage latch hook package and make a sparkling new rug from what looks like a jumble of contents.  And, in the end, the packaging will be discarded! I will have a new body in heaven. Silly, yes. Still, so true.

Another thought I had, this one this morning (I am on a roll with the deep thinking) has to do with a few areas of sin/bad habits that I need deliverance from. Beth Moore, in her study on the Bible book of James, made the point in the video my group watched yesterday that once we have truly tasted the blessing of the annointing of God (His tangible presence in our lives and His power to serve and accomplish what He has called us to do), we will do anything to preserve it, stop any sin practice that quenches it. In the past I have focused on how wonderful I will feel when I eat healthy, how much better I will sleep without so much caffeine, how much at peace I will be when I am parenting more consistently, how much my children will benefit from new routines, etc. A new goal: to live in such a way that I invite the presence and power of the Holy Spirit in a new way. I would like a new addiction: a passion for the presence of God.

The Gentle Wind of the Spirit

Sometimes when we are barrelling through our lives, making every attempt to "do right" and be as productive as we feel we should, Satan takes advantage of our good intentions to steer us down the wrong path. The other day I was looking at a website for an organization I thought I might want to volunteer for when the thought hit me that they would not want me for a number of specific reasons. This line of thinking led to a critical look at my life as a whole. Suddenly I was gripped by the throught that, if I ever did have to work again, my resume would look simply awful. Fifteen-year-gap to be a wife and mom? Not impressive. Like a row of dominoes going down, these thoughts led to a mental inventory of all of the mistakes I have made in my relationships and other areas. Panic hit me. I would never be good enough for anyone if I ever have to crawl back out into the world and sell myself. I got in the car to pick up my son from middle school. When I hit the main road as I exited my subdivision, I was planning to turn left and take one route (there are two routes that I interchange as the mood strikes me) then, for reasons that were unknown to me at the time, I decided to go the other way. I made my way along under a cloud of condemnation and outright fear. Not long after turning onto the road my church is on, I saw the sign out in front of the church next door to mine. "Grace creates the Christian resume" it read. Suddenly, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in the situation. I felt He specifically wanted to speak to me through that sign. I reveled in His peace and provision for days afterward. I am still basking in its glow. I know I will always remember that happening. What it meant for me was that the grace of God, not my accomplishments or failures, determines my future. I can have peace in the role I am playing now, because He is walking beside me. I don't have to rush out and join things and do things in a frantic, harried, fearful and grasping manner. That's because the Holy Spirit gently guides. His conviction brings peace and it energizes us for the task ahead. Condemnation and fear (the work of the devil) drain us, harrass us, confuse us and kill our focus. I absolutely love the story in the Bible where the Pharisees brought to Jesus a woman caught in adultery and told him that Jewish law required that she be stoned. Jesus told them, well, that's fine but I want the first stone to be hurled by the one among you who has no sin. Guess what? One by one they left. Jesus told the woman that he did not condemn her. His final words to her were "Go and sin no more." What would energize the woman most to live a righteous life? The hatred, scorn and condemnation of the Pharisees, or the gentle, loving instruction of her Saviour? I know what works for me!

Photographs and Memories

What is it like for a middle-aged woman who devoted the last fifteen years of her life to raising her children to happen, in her dusty, cat-litter-scented garage, upon box after box filled with the klediments of her high school, college and grad school life? It is a curious, cringing thing to remember the hope-filled, ambitious student I was. To read a diary entry excitedly recounting the fact that I had been tapped to be a news anchor for Youth Legislature at the capital in Montgomery, Alabama. To read a note from my dad in my college scrapbook telling me he was proud of my election to Who's Who and knew I was bound for great things. To see my master's research project notes associated with my internship at WTVJ-NBC in Miami, an internship laced with celebrities. To see the program from the news Emmys I attended while a graduate student intern, sitting at the table next to David Bloom, who later became a famous network reporter. To see boxes of papers I wrote. And, for this out-of-shape lady, even the two trophies from placing in my age category in 5K races, made me sad. What have I become, I pondered. More importantly, what have I NOT become?

Distraught, I did two things that ALWAYS help. I cried and I called my sister. "After all of that work and all of  those wonderful opportunities, I sailed straight out and did....NOTHING," I said to my sister. "No, that is not true. You started a family," she said, in that decisive way that makes Mary the wonderful encourager that she is, even though she is eight years younger than me.

I have always been an all-or-nothing person. I was going to be all-in for my children, present for everything. They were always going to have me when they needed someone. Well, guess what? I have not been the perfect parent. There are many times I have let them down. AND I did not pursue a career. Combing through the detritus of my early life made me sad. I had hoped for so many things that I did not pursue once my first child came along and, truth be told, even earlier than that. When I got married, out the window went the idea that I could fan resumes out throughout the country and just go where the winds of opportunity sent me. I read something interesting in Charles Kuralt's biography, something that has stuck with me for many, many years. It has given me comfort over the years and tonight, as I reflect on my choices, it warms me still. He said that he had had incredible opportunities in life (and he obviously enjoyed amazing career success and fascinating, very fulfilling work), but that he had never, due to the nature of his work, been able to enjoy the pleasures of home and hearth.

The pleasures of home and hearth, i.e. the joy of being at home with my family in sickness and in health, in the fiery trials of homework and the bliss of playing with our pets, have been my mainstay. I would not trade them for fame, fortune, or a portfolio of accomplishments. I would not.

I love my children. Whether or not I have served them as I should have as a mother, I have been here and I have seen every phase of their lives up close and personal. I will remember it all.

I guess I will close with the following thought: if you have a few regrets, as I do (Could I have shucked the all-or-nothing attitude and enjoyed a dim light of professional accomplishments while still enjoying parenting?) you may as well lay them aside. Ask God to help you to remember your past accomplishments and exciting memories with joy and thankfulness. Forgive yourself for anything you failed to do and, most importantly, remember that your story isn't over. Ask God to help you to write the final chapters in the light of His grace, His love, His infinite mercy. Ask Him to help you embrace your current reality, creatively shaping it into the richest, fullest expression of who you are intrinsically and, most importantly, who you CAN be in Him. You only have today! Live it well!