Living for Today

I was minding my own business, going about my day with a light heart when Satan punched me where I am most vulnerable. He reminded me of the fact that I lost a momento of one of my children's lives that is priceless. I won't say what or which child, just know that when I realized that my ridiculous, disorganized, ADD, go-absent-from-one-part-of-my-life-to-over-obsess-in-another way of living had resulted in said loss, I suffered a mini-nervous breakdown. It may have been lost in one of two moves, or a casualty of toss-it-all lazy cleaning. (Or it may have been dispatched to the curb by super-structured, quick-to-toss Gary, but I won't go there, as we all know he does not lose things.) The memory might have been enough to monkey-wrench my day, which had started beautifully with a devotion time, but Satan is absolutely NEVER content with monkey-wrench tinkering. He wants to cut out all sources of joy and wipe that silly grin right off of that Christian's face. That way she won't praise God for everything, enjoy His fellowship all day long, and bless other people's socks off. Mission accomplished. So, punch two of the one-two punch was the whisper, "You know, you haven't taken much video of your children at all, and now they're grown. They will hate you and you will always realize what an inadequate fool you have been as a mom." I have lots of snapshots of every important occasion and many not-so-important. I just don't have a lot of video or portraits. I always buy the school portrait. I have baby portraits. I plan on getting expensive senior portraits. Before the year is out, I will get one done of the boys together with our dog. We have one taken at the beach five years ago of our boys that almost always brings tears to my eyes when I walk past it, it is so beautiful. Though lean on video and portraits I do, however, have something like five years of schoolwork for each child, countless art projects and strange things like a paper leprechaun hat Jonathan made in kindergarten. ADD memory-keeping is quite eclectic. While striding across the Dick's Sporting Goods parking lot I said, almost out loud, "I'll just keep the video camera charged up and I'll take tons from now on. My kids are twelve and fifteen. Their reactions to my camera as they brush their teeth in the morning or bow their heads for the supper blessing might be interesting. A day that started with hopeful prayers and a written plan, was sidelined into grief.

Just when I raise my heart in hope over a renewed interest in studying God's word, I am reminded that we are in a fierce, fierce battle on this earth against the spiritual forces of darkness. Not convinced? Consider this scripture from the New King James Version of the Bible: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12)

God is gently guiding me to focus on today, each and every day. He knows that my anxieties over the future and my grief over the failings of my past keep me immobilized spiritually. I want to keep my eyes on Him and do what He has called me to TODAY. It is the only day I have. Tomorrow I might be in His presence, basking in His never-ending love and beauty. If I have failed my husband and children, my friends, parents, brother and sisters, nieces and nephews, I have but one hope: that they will know that this frail lady loves them, and will for all of eternity. If I can have that, I'll take any criticism that follows, swallowing it down with the sweet nectar of God's unconditional love and acceptance. My game plan going forward includes making a list of scriptures to memorize/post on my mirror that will address these mind games the devil plays. I want peace and joy. These are my spiritual birthright in Christ and are of more value to me that anything on this earth that money can buy.