He Has Supplied

When I first started to write this blog, I imagined getting my feelings out. I had just had a miscarriage at the age of forty-two. I was desolate. Today, I am crying out to God for help and comfort yet again.

I am forty-six. Well past my prime. I have made choices not to pursue things that might have had a fulfilling bent in my life. Some of those choices will have permanent consequences. I feared failure and I feared success and I feared both simultaneously, the two fears linked like hearts entwined. I am struggling with this. I am also struggling with the idea that many of the things I did pursue wholeheartedly have the stench of failure on them.

I do believe that God knew I would make the choices I have made, and yet He has not taken me home to heaven. That communicates to me that there is still something for me to do on this earth, no matter how humble. 

I am humbled. I set out to chart my own path. I wanted to throw career to the side, just enjoy myself in a stress-free housewife manner. Turns out that was probably not the right thing to do, because now I feel hollow and useless. My brain is so stressed that the gifts I imagine I had don't seem to be operating freely anymore. I used to speed-read. Whole paragraphs gulped and understood in an instant. Now I read the same sentence more than once, the little telegraph machine in my head beating out a rudimentary understanding of the words and phrases, barely hanging onto their meaning, the ink getting fainter and fainter on the tape. Tears pour from my eyes all day long. Every single day.

I do not believe that God has let me down. He cannot do that. He has never done that. He was waiting patiently for me to run down to the end of my little disobedient schemes, to eat the bitter fruit of them until I wretched violently....to wretch violently until I was dehydrated spiritually to the point of death. Then, (now) at the point of death, He is watching to see if I am ready to listen and obey. Obedience should be easy. Trust should be easy. After all, God has shown himself very strong in my behalf. What I have discovered is that I have operated for so long out of a stronghold of fear, that I have to literally let God reprogram my brain. Nothing short of that. All of my instincts and actions have to do with fear. All of my reclusive, non-risk-taking behaviors spring from that dark fountain. Jesus, on the other hand, has a life-giving fountain of strength and purity, of joy and ability, of power and of ease through the Holy Spirit. The challenge for me today is how much of that life will I allow to recharge my heart and set my feet moving again? I have slept for so many years, for so much of my life. I have been dead to my own abilities, to the call of God on my life. I have hidden from Him like Adam and Eve did in the garden, all while begging for his mercy and help, which He has supplied.