Someone suggested to me that I change the name of this blog. It's not about miscarriage anymore. I get that. Also, they thought that maybe seeing the title again and again would prevent me from moving forward. I don't think so.
I'm leaving it as-is for now. Because the fact is, yours truly DID survive a midlife miscarriage. What's so different about a MIDLIFE miscarriage? How does it differ from a youth miscarriage or a younger-woman's miscarriage? I'll tell ya. I'll clue ya in. There's a big honkin' difference.
Let me roll the story back a tiny bit. All of this depends on your individual perspective. The middle-aged lady who has a houseful of teenagers and sees light at the end of her parenting journey, who has picked up all sorts of new hobbies and pursuits now that her children are exercising some independence and who finds herself unexpectedly pregnant will be wounded by a miscarriage. Yes, she will be. But she will dust herself off sooner than I did. Way sooner. Way more efficiently.
The young woman who has many child-bearing years ahead of her will be terribly wounded by a miscarriage. But she will heal heal lots faster than I did. Her loss will be assuaged by a baby, eventually.
Now then, there's me. I love kids, and would probably have had at least three, but compromised at two. At the age of forty-two, I got unexpectedly pregnant. I felt as though I had pulled the $300 million lottery ticket. Three weeks later when I realized I had miscarried, it was as if the lottery folks hopped on by and told me there had been a big mistake. There would be no baby for me. I was just too dern old to try for one, though when I had thought that the Lord was sending one to me, I had complete trust in Him, understanding that He writes no checks that cannot be cashed with confidence. Even I, idealistic romantic that I am, knew better than to emerge from my miscarriage on a fertility quest. God has given some women grace for parenting young children while in their forties, but that's not the direction I felt He was leading me.
God has done so much for me, before, during and after my miscarriage. He allowed me to be, He ransomed me from my sins and He blessed me with two healthy sons. I love and value them so much. I may never know why I had to walk through that terrible sorrow, but I do know that God has been by my side, showering me with His tender mercies throughout my entire journey on this fallen earth. He has never forsaken me, and has been faithful when I was anything but. Some of my struggles have been a proving ground for faith. I have learned to value Christian fellowship and to be committed to it. I have learned that God WILL make a way where there seems to be absolutely NO way. Throughout my most recent struggles I have learned that He answers prayer and He is in the details of my life and my children's lives.
In the aftermath of my miscarriage, I learned that God is a healing God. He truly is. He bound up my wounds and helped me to be hopeful and happy again. In short, He healed me. He was never against me, He was holding me through my sorrow and He was sad for and with me. Two friends shared their heartbreaking stories with me, one of a stillborn, full-term child and one of a longed-for baby who was miscarried. Their stories strengthened me because I realized that when I poured out my heart to them, they knew, really knew, what I was feeling. They made me feel less alone. They populated my little island of grief with me. It helped. I know there are people who walk away from the Lord during a terrible storm. I cannot imagine doing that. In the first place, where on earth would I go? LOL! I have nowhere to turn! I have only my God and He alone is my fortress. He is the only one who is completely and utterly faithful and whose love absolutely engulfs me! For all of the help I have gotten from other believers (and it has been life-changing and tremendous), there are places in my heart God alone can touch and heal. Fears only He can still.
I'm leaving it as-is for now. Because the fact is, yours truly DID survive a midlife miscarriage. What's so different about a MIDLIFE miscarriage? How does it differ from a youth miscarriage or a younger-woman's miscarriage? I'll tell ya. I'll clue ya in. There's a big honkin' difference.
Let me roll the story back a tiny bit. All of this depends on your individual perspective. The middle-aged lady who has a houseful of teenagers and sees light at the end of her parenting journey, who has picked up all sorts of new hobbies and pursuits now that her children are exercising some independence and who finds herself unexpectedly pregnant will be wounded by a miscarriage. Yes, she will be. But she will dust herself off sooner than I did. Way sooner. Way more efficiently.
The young woman who has many child-bearing years ahead of her will be terribly wounded by a miscarriage. But she will heal heal lots faster than I did. Her loss will be assuaged by a baby, eventually.
Now then, there's me. I love kids, and would probably have had at least three, but compromised at two. At the age of forty-two, I got unexpectedly pregnant. I felt as though I had pulled the $300 million lottery ticket. Three weeks later when I realized I had miscarried, it was as if the lottery folks hopped on by and told me there had been a big mistake. There would be no baby for me. I was just too dern old to try for one, though when I had thought that the Lord was sending one to me, I had complete trust in Him, understanding that He writes no checks that cannot be cashed with confidence. Even I, idealistic romantic that I am, knew better than to emerge from my miscarriage on a fertility quest. God has given some women grace for parenting young children while in their forties, but that's not the direction I felt He was leading me.
God has done so much for me, before, during and after my miscarriage. He allowed me to be, He ransomed me from my sins and He blessed me with two healthy sons. I love and value them so much. I may never know why I had to walk through that terrible sorrow, but I do know that God has been by my side, showering me with His tender mercies throughout my entire journey on this fallen earth. He has never forsaken me, and has been faithful when I was anything but. Some of my struggles have been a proving ground for faith. I have learned to value Christian fellowship and to be committed to it. I have learned that God WILL make a way where there seems to be absolutely NO way. Throughout my most recent struggles I have learned that He answers prayer and He is in the details of my life and my children's lives.
In the aftermath of my miscarriage, I learned that God is a healing God. He truly is. He bound up my wounds and helped me to be hopeful and happy again. In short, He healed me. He was never against me, He was holding me through my sorrow and He was sad for and with me. Two friends shared their heartbreaking stories with me, one of a stillborn, full-term child and one of a longed-for baby who was miscarried. Their stories strengthened me because I realized that when I poured out my heart to them, they knew, really knew, what I was feeling. They made me feel less alone. They populated my little island of grief with me. It helped. I know there are people who walk away from the Lord during a terrible storm. I cannot imagine doing that. In the first place, where on earth would I go? LOL! I have nowhere to turn! I have only my God and He alone is my fortress. He is the only one who is completely and utterly faithful and whose love absolutely engulfs me! For all of the help I have gotten from other believers (and it has been life-changing and tremendous), there are places in my heart God alone can touch and heal. Fears only He can still.
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