The Simple Life

I decided just now that I am making this life thing a whole heck of a sight more complicated than it was ever meant to be. A friend said to me today, "We have a calling in life and when we have fulfilled it we will go home to Jesus." I already knew this. However, I like to muddy the waters with continual wanderings and wonderings.

Let me explain (briefly, to your relief). One of my favorite habits over the past decade was what I will not-so-affectionately term the "try-very-gingerly-and-then-retreat-at-first-sign-of-setback-failure-or-rejection" method of determining my destiny in life. This retreat strategy was always followed by "sit-at-home-and-do-little-ya-can't-be-hurt-that-way" mode of action, er, inaction.

In short, I became a semi-recluse who doesn't try much of anything new and who takes precious few chances. I wasted a lot of time. I have decided that, instead of agonizing over whether or not something is in God's plan for me, feeling ever more like I cannot hear from Him, I will develop my relationship with Him, pray to Him, do my best to keep in step with His spirit, and then DIVE into life full force. He will help me to whittle away time-wasters and I know he will jerk me back from wrong turns, because my heart will be in the right place.

Back to the statement my friend made. It thoroughly yanked me back into reality. No, all of the markers of success the world looks to are not reality. They are transient. They are like chaff. Blink and they are blown away. What she said strengthened my resolve to make the most of my life, because God has work for me to do. Every single day. Even when I am resting by necessity, I am filling my tank for the next task He is going to give me. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, the disappointments and heartaches that I feast my mind on, thereby draining my spirit, are weakening my focus. Only what we do for Christ will last. We are only passing through.

It's time to do life. Every single day.

Nature Speaks....Again!

In a micro-burst of this-unstructured-holiday-has-gone-on-too-long blues I jumped in my car, grabbed a Starbucks Gingerbread latte and headed for the Williamson County countryside this morning. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish. I think sometimes I expect the answers to my many life questions will come bounding out of the hills like the deer I so often see on these jaunts.

They never have and did not this time. But I did make some observations I thought might be worth recording. For my own perusal next time I am face-down in the muddy waters of life. (Some time tomorrow.)

I made a decision a very long time ago to forego career aspirations and stay home with my kids. They are teenagers now. Just in time for me to question said decision. Just in time for me to wonder if I am crazy for throwing two college degrees into the wind, for burying every single thing I ever dreamed of doing when I was young and impulsive like they are. No, I do not regret being available to them, helping them, watching them achieve so many milestones. Not at all. But sometimes I wonder if I am now, at age forty-five, like an old pickup stuck in a muddy ravine. A ravine that gets rain 24/7.  If I will ever spring to life and use any of the talents God gave me, or even really recognize them anymore. What chills me further is the idea of not sharing with others, not involving myself in their lives, not making a difference. As a reaction to rejection, real and perceived, I have become reclusive to some degree. This needs to change, but I am walled in by so many insecurities. Selfish, I know.

At some point I thought about turning my car around and heading home, but didn't see a good turnaround spot right away. Additionally, I wanted to go a little further, see something I had never seen. It reminded me of life in the Spirit. About how as we go along with God we see more and more of who He is, more of His plan. The deeper we go, the more likely we'll see what we have never seen before. Suddenly I noted that the Steven Curtis Chapman song playing in my car was about "diving in"....going deeper in the Spirit. At the same time a river appeared on my left. It might have been a hugely swollen creek, but it was rushing along with a lot of force. I smiled. At some point on my way home a song on the CD moved me to tears. I was feeling so alone and bereft when it suddenly occurred to me that the words then being sung were something to the effect of "you are being loved right now" and "there's a song that's being sung over you".... wow.