In a micro-burst of this-unstructured-holiday-has-gone-on-too-long blues I jumped in my car, grabbed a Starbucks Gingerbread latte and headed for the Williamson County countryside this morning. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish. I think sometimes I expect the answers to my many life questions will come bounding out of the hills like the deer I so often see on these jaunts.
They never have and did not this time. But I did make some observations I thought might be worth recording. For my own perusal next time I am face-down in the muddy waters of life. (Some time tomorrow.)
I made a decision a very long time ago to forego career aspirations and stay home with my kids. They are teenagers now. Just in time for me to question said decision. Just in time for me to wonder if I am crazy for throwing two college degrees into the wind, for burying every single thing I ever dreamed of doing when I was young and impulsive like they are. No, I do not regret being available to them, helping them, watching them achieve so many milestones. Not at all. But sometimes I wonder if I am now, at age forty-five, like an old pickup stuck in a muddy ravine. A ravine that gets rain 24/7. If I will ever spring to life and use any of the talents God gave me, or even really recognize them anymore. What chills me further is the idea of not sharing with others, not involving myself in their lives, not making a difference. As a reaction to rejection, real and perceived, I have become reclusive to some degree. This needs to change, but I am walled in by so many insecurities. Selfish, I know.
At some point I thought about turning my car around and heading home, but didn't see a good turnaround spot right away. Additionally, I wanted to go a little further, see something I had never seen. It reminded me of life in the Spirit. About how as we go along with God we see more and more of who He is, more of His plan. The deeper we go, the more likely we'll see what we have never seen before. Suddenly I noted that the Steven Curtis Chapman song playing in my car was about "diving in"....going deeper in the Spirit. At the same time a river appeared on my left. It might have been a hugely swollen creek, but it was rushing along with a lot of force. I smiled. At some point on my way home a song on the CD moved me to tears. I was feeling so alone and bereft when it suddenly occurred to me that the words then being sung were something to the effect of "you are being loved right now" and "there's a song that's being sung over you".... wow.
They never have and did not this time. But I did make some observations I thought might be worth recording. For my own perusal next time I am face-down in the muddy waters of life. (Some time tomorrow.)
I made a decision a very long time ago to forego career aspirations and stay home with my kids. They are teenagers now. Just in time for me to question said decision. Just in time for me to wonder if I am crazy for throwing two college degrees into the wind, for burying every single thing I ever dreamed of doing when I was young and impulsive like they are. No, I do not regret being available to them, helping them, watching them achieve so many milestones. Not at all. But sometimes I wonder if I am now, at age forty-five, like an old pickup stuck in a muddy ravine. A ravine that gets rain 24/7. If I will ever spring to life and use any of the talents God gave me, or even really recognize them anymore. What chills me further is the idea of not sharing with others, not involving myself in their lives, not making a difference. As a reaction to rejection, real and perceived, I have become reclusive to some degree. This needs to change, but I am walled in by so many insecurities. Selfish, I know.
At some point I thought about turning my car around and heading home, but didn't see a good turnaround spot right away. Additionally, I wanted to go a little further, see something I had never seen. It reminded me of life in the Spirit. About how as we go along with God we see more and more of who He is, more of His plan. The deeper we go, the more likely we'll see what we have never seen before. Suddenly I noted that the Steven Curtis Chapman song playing in my car was about "diving in"....going deeper in the Spirit. At the same time a river appeared on my left. It might have been a hugely swollen creek, but it was rushing along with a lot of force. I smiled. At some point on my way home a song on the CD moved me to tears. I was feeling so alone and bereft when it suddenly occurred to me that the words then being sung were something to the effect of "you are being loved right now" and "there's a song that's being sung over you".... wow.
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