I have had lifelong issues with anxiety. I remember feeling surges of panic and horror as a child. Most of my fears have to do with how I feel I have or might in the future let someone down, or whether or not I have done something or not done something in the same fashion that other, better people (because everyone has always been better than me in my mind) would have done it. There have been times when my self-flagellation has been justified. However, unlike most people, who repent, ask forgiveness of others, and move on, I micro-analyze my shortcomings and wallow in deep, dark dungeons of guilt and self-hatred. I also am very certain, based on feedback from people I trust, that a large percentage of the time there is nothing to hate myself for. I just always feel like I should. If something bad might happen and it will not be my fault in some way, I am sometimes very peaceful, because I know God will step in. Why wouldn't He? That's what a loving and faithful father does! The idea that He will poor grace on my humanity and honor the overall intent of my heart to love and serve him and others just keeps coming up by the roots, like a flimsy weed.
How can I get the assurance of God's love, protection, favor and peace to grow in my heart like a mighty oak planted near a stable water source? I have had some ideas, and they have born fruit in my life recently. I started to study scriptures on fear, anxiety and peace. Washing my mind with those every day has made a difference. The direction I find in the Bible is a constant source of comfort. I have made strides! I still call people too much to ask for help with my overwhelming feelings of fear at times. I still pace some. I still have some incidents where, suddenly, my bright and beautiful world turns quickly dark with anxiety. All of the things that bring me joy turn impotent and sad. However, I am far from losing hope because I have seen the difference renewing my mind with prayer and the Word has made. I know who is coming against me. Here's what God says about him in his Word, the Bible:
"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44, New International Version, Holy Bible, copyright 1984)
Last night I remembered a part of a verse and looked it up this morning. It is the Lord's word over the tribe of Benjamin. "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." At the same time that this imagery comforted me, it scared me just a little. I am a little intimidated by such intimacy with God. I will pray today that God will show me, and that I will open my eyes to see that I am worth such closeness with my heavenly father. No one who lets you rest your head on their chest can hold you in contempt at the same time.
How can I get the assurance of God's love, protection, favor and peace to grow in my heart like a mighty oak planted near a stable water source? I have had some ideas, and they have born fruit in my life recently. I started to study scriptures on fear, anxiety and peace. Washing my mind with those every day has made a difference. The direction I find in the Bible is a constant source of comfort. I have made strides! I still call people too much to ask for help with my overwhelming feelings of fear at times. I still pace some. I still have some incidents where, suddenly, my bright and beautiful world turns quickly dark with anxiety. All of the things that bring me joy turn impotent and sad. However, I am far from losing hope because I have seen the difference renewing my mind with prayer and the Word has made. I know who is coming against me. Here's what God says about him in his Word, the Bible:
"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44, New International Version, Holy Bible, copyright 1984)
Last night I remembered a part of a verse and looked it up this morning. It is the Lord's word over the tribe of Benjamin. "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." At the same time that this imagery comforted me, it scared me just a little. I am a little intimidated by such intimacy with God. I will pray today that God will show me, and that I will open my eyes to see that I am worth such closeness with my heavenly father. No one who lets you rest your head on their chest can hold you in contempt at the same time.
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