A Spoonful of Nothing...

Sometimes I dig down really deep....and come up empty. Like tonight when someone hurt my feelings and I went on a profanity-laced tirade. Yep. There you have it. I curse. I'm not proud of it but there it is. The unvarnished truth. I could try to polish my life for you and package it like a debutante's Facebook profile, but you'd all see through that anyway. At least those of you who know me well would.

Today I dug deep and came up with a kitchen spoonful of dry dirt. My mother-in-law used to give kids old spoons to play in the dirt with. Or maybe it was MY grandma. Someone did. I had one of those today. That was my implement for excellence, or at least it sure seemed that way to me today. I was standing in front of a lava-caked mountain and I had a nice little metal spoon that someone used to dip mashed potatoes with. Sure, I started my blog with a miscarriage that shattered my heart five years ago. But the last three years of my life have been, without question, the absolute hardest, most painful and gut-wrenching of the entire 47.5 to date. I felt a bone-crushing heartache that left me longing for heaven. Won't give details. No need.

Anyway, sometimes years like these last 900, ummm three, can separate the men from the boys in terms of who really cares about you. I can tell you I unequivocally know that God does. He never, ever ,ever left me, even though I was so terrified that, at one point a couple of years ago, I stopped eating and dropped 30 pounds.

On a day like today...I take stock. I start to reevaluate how I spend my time and what really matters to me. My shoulders sag a little bit when I think of who I invest in and who needs me more. I wonder if I really SHOULD pour myself out the way that I do. Maybe I should hold a little bit of me back a little more often, just to build a tiny bit of protection against hurt. I don't want to stop risking pain by blocking out relationships.

I'm feeling depleted. I know it's probably not a good idea nor very edifying for my fellow Christians for me to do cuss confessionals on the regular...you need to see me growing and moving beyond my quick temper. I hope like the dickens I will. However, I'm not sure being inauthentic helps anyone either. I throw the doors of my heart open and I want all to come into my life. I enjoy people. However, some people are drains. They take and they never, ever give. You know all you could possibly hope to know about them in the first five days of friendship and they could know you for ten years and never really know much about you.  Because they are not listening. They are too busy telling you all about themselves. It's interesting and very, very boring all at the same time.

I think what I really need is time away with Jesus. I feel a little disconnected from Him, and He's all I really have! I need him every second of every day but I am always pushing Him away with my attitude and awful tongue. I am always letting Him down. I'm always putting dumb junk like hobbies and movies and books ahead of Him.  I need Him, and He, inexplicably, wants me. That last part is the greatest mystery of my life. I'll never unravel it.

No-Fail Life!

Whenever I experiment with the overuse of caffeine, I get the same education I got the previous time I conducted such an experiment. At some point these experiences have lost their experimental quality and become predictable disasters. Hmmm. "You know what the definition of insanity is," my husband said last night when I mentioned that I had knocked back two cups of coffee in the afternoon (after my three-cup limit in the morning). "What time did you do that," he asked. "Oh, it was well after three," I said. "You've messed up," was his professional assessment. I'm glad there was no charge for that.

I was awake until two in the morning. I found, to my surprise, that at least one of my kids was up, too. I never saw them. Just heard all sorts of rumblings overhead. I fell asleep until my husband's alarm went off. I was awake while he got dressed, then when he left after 7 a.m., I tried like the dickens to go back to sleep. At some point I must have because I had a crazy dream. I was trying to save people from a very organized, highly intelligent madman. The madman found me. Somehow he divined that I had recently had open-heart surgery. He hadn't shot me yet when I woke up.

I could spend some time trying to find the hidden meaning in my dream, but I'd have to remember it a tad better to launch that initiative. I think it was the product of feeling like, if I'll just try harder, I can save my kids from everything, even though they are basically grown. The madman was just the devil. He doesn't have a loaded gun that can shoot any bullets that will pierce the vest of my faith. He just likes to make me think he can. When I haven't slept, his odds of having me listen to him rise a bit.

The point of this rambling caffeine confessional is that we all, from time-to-time, shoot ourselves in the foot. In my case, I awoke from a short nap yesterday feeling just a little bit down. I'm launching a business and homeschooling a teenager. And I'm nearly forty-eight years old. I'm a dreamer! But we dreamers have to do laundry, too. I wanted the sweet taste of my flavored coffee, the wonderful aroma and, yes, the jolt of caffeine to get me through the rest of the day. Lesson....learned? I can't say that. I'll try to remember it. There will still be days when I'll party all day with McCafe K-cups. I'll still have caffeine confessionals here.

When we DO shoot ourselves in the foot, we don't have to fall entirely on our faces. Unless, of course, it's to pray! Overuse of caffeine is not the only one thing I will be praying about today. One of many. I'm so thankful that each time I go to my Father in prayer, I'm given a blank page, a do-over. He completely washes me clean of my sins and totally forgives me. Then He dusts me off and sets me back on my feet. I would not be surprised if, though I will have slow feet today, He actually makes something beautiful of my day, through the haze of my exhaustion! That's what grace looks like. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life. It starts today. It starts NOW! Anything that I have done, any chance I have squandered is totally unimportant in the light of his grace and peace. He gives me joy as I obey him IN THE NOW! Surrender your entire life to Christ, lock, stock and barrel. See what happens. You have nothing to lose and a world of peace and joy to gain. When I become overwhelmed with the odds against me as a writer, I can take a moment to stop and consider that I am obeying God. I am doing what I feel HE is leading me to do. It cannot fail. I can enjoy it! I don't have to be intimidated by the task or the potential for disaster. There is no disaster in following God. If I hear from him and obey him, he will provide what I need to get everything done. He will show up. If my motive is to obey and glorify him, my tasks are NO-FAIL propositions. When anxiety creeps in, I can rest assured, I've decided to pursue some selfish motive. In the end, my relationship with God is what matters, and it cannot be taken from me in this life nor in the one to come. Feast your heart on this scripture: "...neither height nor depth, nor ANYTHING ELSE IN ALL CREATION, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:39, New International Version, emphasis mine).

ENJOY YOUR DAY!

God Enjoys....Me?

I'm going to write a blog post inspired by someone I have never met, and will probably never become acquainted with. Strange? Maybe.

I like HGTV. Was watching "Fixer Upper" this evening. The home at the center of the story had been renovated and Joanna Gaines was inside, making the final decorating touches. She does an astounding job of making a house an elegant, yet warm and inviting HOME. She is the queen of design, in my lay opinion. The shot panned out to show Joanna through one of the home's windows as she did something like, oh I don't remember EXACTLY, maybe fluffed a pillow or straightened a frame. It occurs to me that she is in her "sweet spot"...that place where you find yourself when you are doing what you love, being constantly affirmed for it, feeling like it improves someone else's life, and that God is smiling on you.  I was thinking that God was probably enjoying watching her do what he created her to do so well. I think He was smiling on her as she placed that final candlestick on the mantle or folded that throw across the back of the sofa. He may have even whispered an idea in her ear as she prayed a silent prayer for help with one of the details. Either just before or during the reveal (showing what the house looks like after the renovation and re-decorating), the camera caught close-ups of the darling and very appropriate accessories Joanna had selected and carefully placed in just the right places throughout the home. What a joy to be where you should be, doing what you should be doing, at just the right time in your life.

It's never too late to find your "sweet spot." God will show you. Just ask Him. He's got a plan for your life, and you were custom-designed to fit into that plan. You were actually meant to REIGN over it! It's your party! I am so excited when I think that the closer I get to Jesus, the better I know Him, the better I'll understand why I am who I am, why I do what I do, why I love what I love. I have a question for all of you who are parents. Did it bring joy to your heart when you watched your child lose themselves in a unique sort of play? I still feel thrilled when I hear my nineteen-year-old play his guitar, the notes landing on my head in my study below his bedroom. Imagine our Father, who is also our creator, finding joy when we enjoy who He made us to be!

The next time someone tells you your dream is impossible, impractical or just plain silly, do me a favor. Don't argue with them. Walk into your prayer closet and ask the Lord what He thinks about it. The answer might just surprise you. If He is in it, it CANNOT FAIL. There is no way for it to!

Let the Day Flow! (And actually enjoy it.)

Am I the only self-employed creative type who feels the day is like a charging team of horses that, while it may begin the day tightly harnessed and pointed down a productive path, somewhere along the path breaks apart, chargers coursing in ten directions?

I've asked myself about possible antidotes. One suggestion that I made to myself was to make a daily schedule and STICK TO IT. Then the thought of doing the same things the same way every single day settled over me like a woolen blanket in  the heat of a Tennessee July. Suffocating. It also, if you know me, seemed like a fantastical Disney movie. Ain't gonna happen.

The next idea to amble along was the prospect of daily and weekly goals. How I get there is up to me! This, this I like. I am still making the steady progress my heart desires, but I get to choose what the day will look like, how it will morph and flow into something awesome. This I can do. Enter my over-achieving, over-ambitious, perfectionist-leaning tendencies. I have never made a set of goals that was not impossible. I am interested in everything. If I look at all of these interests on paper, no one human being could achieve them in one lifetime. So I don't look. I just stab here and stab there, never leaving any of them fully behind. Eventually, however, I begin to feel horrible about the fact that excellence has left the building.

What is one creative, slightly loopy, nearly always enthused writer to do? What she doesn't want to do. Set priorities. Leave some interests behind (for now). Be content with some mediocrity (in acceptable areas). After all, I'm still captain of my ship. I can still take a "mental health day" and go to the mountains. (Even if I have to take my laptop with me.) It's all good!

I suppose life is meant to be lived around the beautiful individuality of our personalities. They're God-given, so they are GOOD! That doesn't mean we aren't to work hard, stand behind our word and be (heaven forbid) responsible. It means that my work style and yours, though they may be at odds, are not standing next to each other as "right" and "wrong." (Okay, it's wrong for me to leave dirty dishes out overnight in the heart of ant season.)

Right-angle folks need to keep this top of mind when dealing with me. I need to keep this top of mind when planning a fun activity with them that includes a tight agenda, optimizing parking, hitting the right restaurant for calorie counts and the like. Oh heck, who am I kidding, I'm not going to a conference with one of THOSE people. Lunch, maybe.

Let's remember that we are all beautiful in our diversity, especially when we are shepherding kids on the brink of adulthood. Let's love them on to their potential. Not OUR potential. That ship has already left the dock.

Sometimes It Takes a Pack of Dachshunds....

So getting a brand-new computer put a ruffle in my internet-use-slow-down initiative. No matter. It's a gorgeous spring day and I'm back on the wagon. I'm on here now, but for useful reasons. Doing something that brings me closer to my goal to become a full-time freelancer. I have so many things to write about, I hardly know where to begin. When I was a kid, I loved nothing more than a brand-new tablet to scribble on. I can't explain that, except that it spoke of possibilities. I don't remember doing anything really interesting or important with my tablets. I just liked them. Oh, I guess I probably drew in them, wrote a few silly things, MAYBE....but what if the blankness (word?) of them was what drew me? The possibility of them. Same with a new computer. Looking at this page makes me happy. There's so much space below these letters.

What would happen if we got up every single day (okay, except Saturday, because Saturday mornings are amazing for laziness) and looked at the day ahead of us as a gorgeously (word?) blank canvas, full of possibilities? Well, I know that I'm supposed to glorify God with all that I have and am. What if I saw each day as a tablet to write something amazing on? Here's another angle: what if I saw each day as a well of possibilities for God to reveal Himself to me, both who He is as a person and who he is in relation to me and my life story?

My elderly dachshund might be sick. I've been worried about him. Started thinking I might not get another dog when he passes. Yesterday I walked past a house I'd never been past before. At least five dachshunds were in a frenzy at the fence line as I went past. Of course I stopped, exclaiming aloud to my walking partner! There was a blonde, long-haired one, at least two chocolate and tans, a dapple, and one that was very gray with age. I was beyond tickled. Thought it might have been a postcard from heaven, letting me know that there's just no call in me not having a dachshund. I'mma gonna need one. It was like the Lord was saying "Life's hard. Keep a dachshund."

So today, as I strain and struggle to make something dynamic and useful of my day, working overtime not to let it slip out of my hands like the helium balloon my time seems to be, I'll remember those darling dogs. Life is not a pack of doldrum tasks. If spring doesn't remind me of that, I guess nothing ever will.