Today I dug deep and came up with a kitchen spoonful of dry dirt. My mother-in-law used to give kids old spoons to play in the dirt with. Or maybe it was MY grandma. Someone did. I had one of those today. That was my implement for excellence, or at least it sure seemed that way to me today. I was standing in front of a lava-caked mountain and I had a nice little metal spoon that someone used to dip mashed potatoes with. Sure, I started my blog with a miscarriage that shattered my heart five years ago. But the last three years of my life have been, without question, the absolute hardest, most painful and gut-wrenching of the entire 47.5 to date. I felt a bone-crushing heartache that left me longing for heaven. Won't give details. No need.
Anyway, sometimes years like these last 900, ummm three, can separate the men from the boys in terms of who really cares about you. I can tell you I unequivocally know that God does. He never, ever ,ever left me, even though I was so terrified that, at one point a couple of years ago, I stopped eating and dropped 30 pounds.
On a day like today...I take stock. I start to reevaluate how I spend my time and what really matters to me. My shoulders sag a little bit when I think of who I invest in and who needs me more. I wonder if I really SHOULD pour myself out the way that I do. Maybe I should hold a little bit of me back a little more often, just to build a tiny bit of protection against hurt. I don't want to stop risking pain by blocking out relationships.
I'm feeling depleted. I know it's probably not a good idea nor very edifying for my fellow Christians for me to do cuss confessionals on the regular...you need to see me growing and moving beyond my quick temper. I hope like the dickens I will. However, I'm not sure being inauthentic helps anyone either. I throw the doors of my heart open and I want all to come into my life. I enjoy people. However, some people are drains. They take and they never, ever give. You know all you could possibly hope to know about them in the first five days of friendship and they could know you for ten years and never really know much about you. Because they are not listening. They are too busy telling you all about themselves. It's interesting and very, very boring all at the same time.
I think what I really need is time away with Jesus. I feel a little disconnected from Him, and He's all I really have! I need him every second of every day but I am always pushing Him away with my attitude and awful tongue. I am always letting Him down. I'm always putting dumb junk like hobbies and movies and books ahead of Him. I need Him, and He, inexplicably, wants me. That last part is the greatest mystery of my life. I'll never unravel it.
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