Settling the Matter

"'Come now, let us settle the matter,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'" Isaiah 1:18 (Holy Bible, New International Version)

For so many years, I've been walking in the half-light of partial forgiveness. It's fairly easy for me to forgive most people, but I usually cannot forgive myself. At least not fully. Let me describe some of the fruits of this lack of forgiveness of myself.

Depression. This is far and away the largest load I drag. I can't even carry it on my back, so heavy and unwieldy is this package. I have ropes attached to my arms and I'm always going uphill, depression in an oxcart just behind. I'm the ox. Always either plodding painfully slowly or drowning the pain of the burden in shopping or eating. I'm always reaching for coffee because depression is patently exhausting.

Another fruit of my failure to forgive myself is stunted potential. I just don't believe I deserve for anything good to happen to me, so I leap ahead and sabotage myself. I back away from good ideas and interesting people because I do not believe I deserve a second of happiness, let alone fulfillment.

I have suffered from a total lack of peace a large percentage of the time because, after all, who knows what terrible things will happen to a person who is guilty of so much! My guilt is like a heavy coat of armor, only it does not protect, it suffocates.

I used to say that I never want to be one of those faithless, "hang-on-'til-heaven" Christians. At nearly the half-century mark, that's exactly what I have become. I want to reverse this. I know I cannot. But God can.

I was walking in my yard and realized a powerful truth many months ago. There is no reason for me to fear coming under the full grace of God. This means that I can cop to any and all of my sins and egregious failures without falling apart because all are covered by the blood of Jesus. He has not only paid for them all, but He is able to restore to my life and others anything those sins have stolen. He can heal the relationships they have damaged and bind up my heart and the hearts of any I have hurt along the way. He can make me absolutely pure again.

I cannot imagine anything more desirable.

"If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." Romans 14:8 (Holy Bible, New International Version)

Of the Rest of My Life

How many times have you read or heard the sentence "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Every single time I hear it, I hold my chin a bit higher. I make an attempt at a better day than I might have had, productivity-wise. I try harder! There is something so deeply moving and wonderfully motivating about a fresh start! to think that I get one each and every day is a gift beyond imagining and completely worth savoring. Another saying I read recently opined that you cannot go back and change the beginning but you can, in fact, make a choice about the ending. Love that. Another beautiful breeze beneath my wings on this old, careworn, sin-sick and spiritual warfare-filled earth.

Sometimes we find ourselves suddenly staring at a situation that came about through no fault of our own, much like a hiker facing a bear on a lonely mountain ledge. In a case like that, we need the same fortitude called for when we have decided to make a fresh start regarding our own habits and behaviors. The essential thing to remember is to not let the situation defeat you, but instead turn it over to God so that His power will reign in you and in the circumstances and His Spirit will lead you through the narrows. Ephesians 6:18 says "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." (Holy Bible, New International Version)

When you face a challenge, especially one that you had no preparation for, it's super easy to buckle. Depending upon your innate personality, this may happen without your even registering the response. I'm an emotionally complex person (I think we are all wonderfully complex, but MY emotions tend to behave like a pack of wild horses after a gun has sounded), and my reactions to life's curveballs are as varied as the product lines at a flea market. There's no predicting them! My emotions are the strongest current in my life, except the river of the Holy Spirit. If I'm not careful, they drown my purpose. Every now and then I am able to pluck it from the gushing flow and give it a little CPR on the bank. Unfortunately, it's not long before the rapids of my feelings eddy and swirl violently, tossing my purpose again. My current goal is to keep on top of that current. I'd like to stay dry in a lovely canoe. It will all be God's doing, of course. I'd like to hold onto Him so tightly that the current beneath me becomes that of His Spirit! He'll never toss me from the canoe. He'll only sustain me gently within it. The scenery will be magnificent! What an adventure!

I've found a few practical ways to stay on the river of the Holy Spirit versus being tossed down sloughs of despair, terror and wasted time. The first one is, of course, more time spent renewing my mind through prayer and the word of God (the Bible). The second involves not re-polluting my mind after it has been cleansed by the above. When I limit my internet and social media time, my world is instantly transformed. It is infinitely more peaceful and pure. How many times have you read salacious news stories or scrolled your FB feed only to feel as if your spirit has been buried in swamp mud? The third practical way I stay in the Spirit is to be intentional about my life and my gifts. To ask God what to do and then accept his help in doing it. I've got a long way to go, light years, actually, before I can say I've got those three down pat, but I'm headed in the right direction and it feels amazing. My circumstances had to become horrific before I felt an urgency about these matters.( I'm such a procrastinator, I believe I would put off my own funeral if I could, but that's a blog post for another day.)

It's near the end of the day here in North America. Hey, it's the first evening of the rest of my life! I think I'll just be happy tonight!

Into the World

I was once determined to become a famous journalist. With that aim in mind, I sashayed off to college and then graduate school, landing an exciting internship at the Miami, Florida NBC owned-and-operated station. I then started my first professional job at a tiny ABC affiliate in my hometown. Insert colossal u-turn. I got married, started a family and abandoned my career for an extended period of time, choosing love, security and care for others over my initial ambitions. The need for affirmation on a larger stage never really left me, though, its influence streaking through my blood like an invisible disease. I still harbored dreams of writing a bestseller. Of making a mark. Of showing up on the world's radar.

As a television reporter in my hometown for just over a year, I got a taste of universal acceptance. Many people treated me with a degree of deference simply because my image appeared on their television screens for a few minutes each week. It was intoxicating. I love people, all kinds of people, and it was so wonderful to be "loved" back. I, of course, now realize that their "love" was wholly superficial. It was as substantial as a broken reed in a hurricane. I was content, however, with being in their lives, no matter how I got there! People are wonderful, interesting and precious to me. I truly enjoy them.

Two decades of utter obscurity later, I've got something new in my blood. It's the unmistakable yearning for significance. I want my life to count for Christ. I realize that I have no way of making that happen under my own steam, so I'm working on submitting to Him to work whatever good He will from whatever I have to give. I have viewed this blog as one of those "whatevers." If I have a spark of light, let me fling it into the dark corners of this world. Now, instead of seeking my own reknown, I want to fling my gifts backward without a glance, tossing them into the night stillness of need, letting them land where the Spirit guides them. I don't want to care who sees, who applauds, who knows. It's utterly freeing and outrageously gratifying. It feels right because it IS right.