Settling the Matter

"'Come now, let us settle the matter,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'" Isaiah 1:18 (Holy Bible, New International Version)

For so many years, I've been walking in the half-light of partial forgiveness. It's fairly easy for me to forgive most people, but I usually cannot forgive myself. At least not fully. Let me describe some of the fruits of this lack of forgiveness of myself.

Depression. This is far and away the largest load I drag. I can't even carry it on my back, so heavy and unwieldy is this package. I have ropes attached to my arms and I'm always going uphill, depression in an oxcart just behind. I'm the ox. Always either plodding painfully slowly or drowning the pain of the burden in shopping or eating. I'm always reaching for coffee because depression is patently exhausting.

Another fruit of my failure to forgive myself is stunted potential. I just don't believe I deserve for anything good to happen to me, so I leap ahead and sabotage myself. I back away from good ideas and interesting people because I do not believe I deserve a second of happiness, let alone fulfillment.

I have suffered from a total lack of peace a large percentage of the time because, after all, who knows what terrible things will happen to a person who is guilty of so much! My guilt is like a heavy coat of armor, only it does not protect, it suffocates.

I used to say that I never want to be one of those faithless, "hang-on-'til-heaven" Christians. At nearly the half-century mark, that's exactly what I have become. I want to reverse this. I know I cannot. But God can.

I was walking in my yard and realized a powerful truth many months ago. There is no reason for me to fear coming under the full grace of God. This means that I can cop to any and all of my sins and egregious failures without falling apart because all are covered by the blood of Jesus. He has not only paid for them all, but He is able to restore to my life and others anything those sins have stolen. He can heal the relationships they have damaged and bind up my heart and the hearts of any I have hurt along the way. He can make me absolutely pure again.

I cannot imagine anything more desirable.

"If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." Romans 14:8 (Holy Bible, New International Version)