His Strength, My Weakness

There were baptisms at church today. When they were finished, we all sang "Amazing Grace." My eye caught the top of a leafy green tree, in relief against a clear sky. I was so hurt. I cried. I don't understand why I'm suffering some of the things I am suffering. Relationships have always been more important to me that anything else, including achievement and material possessions. I feel I have done things to preserve and protect the ones closest to me and, yet, some that are very important to me are strained and distant. I'm a little bereft.

I guess the tree caught my attention because it is living. A couple of my relationships, once so alive and full of promise, feel distant and sad. Empty. Lined with rejection. I went home and crawled into bed. I lay there off and on a couple of times. I talked to the Lord about how hard it is to go on some days. I know He heard me and He will sustain me. It was just one of those days where it was hard to put on a happy face and do the laundry and dishes. It was hard to imagine getting up tomorrow and doing all of my daily-ness all over again. But I will.

I mentioned yesterday that I'm battling some addictions (food, internet, social media, etc.). When I back away from them I feel the rush of emotions that they were distracting me from. I guess I need the same pep talk I've given countless times to a loved one who is addicted to drugs. I keep telling them that life is hard and we have to power through in God's strength, because our own will never, ever, ever cut it!

God's strength and sense of purpose is always there, no matter how fierce the storm. No matter how the winds howl and the rain snatches your dreams from your hands, whirling them into the gutter, slanting sideways to beat the smile from your face. He is always there. We live for him, not merely in the light of his presence. We live to know him and to be known by him. Those of us who are in Christ have a treasure that cannot be wrenched from our hands. There is no rain that can drown our purpose in Christ. I suppose today was a day for me to be honest with the Lord (and I was) and to make a plan to renew my joy in Him for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day. It usually is.

A Full Life

I realized the other day that I struggle with boredom, and this gives rise to addictive behavior (food, internet, social media). This makes absolutely no sense for a child of God. Should never be the case. What I think the boredom translates to is not seeking God. There is absolutely no facet of his being that is dull. It is all riveting. Not exciting, but RIVETING.

Sure, we all have boring tasks to complete every single day. But they are not the whole of our existence. Even those tasks can be brought under the umbrella of fulfillment if they are done to the glory of God and with the certainty that there is something unique and challenging just up ahead. 

So here I sit, at nearly fifty, like an old lady at a bus station. I see myself in my sensible shoes, drab overcoat, set hair. Time to change that dynamic. Yuck! No wonder I am slathering the bread with two inches of jelly and enough peanut butter to choke a draft horse. Who wouldn't? Who honestly wouldn't??? I am going to shake up my lens. See an adventure through the tube of daily ordinariness!

It occurred to me that when I feel bored and unfulfilled, it's because I am not pushing myself to my potential spiritually or personally (the two are inextricably linked). When I get off my behind and seek God's face and his unique will for MY life though prayer, hard work and creativity, the hours fly. The days race by. I can look back and see a beautiful quilt of a week! 

Harvard-educated commentator Charles Krauthammer recently said that, in light of the fact that his doctors have given him only weeks to live, he has no regrets. He has lived life the way he wanted to. This set my over-thinking psyche into overdrive. Oh the regrets I have! Again, pure nonsense for the child of God. Just this morning the Lord reminded me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Get up and get going! Eternity is a very long time. I believe we'll be serving God and enjoying him in fascinating ways for the whole of it. No boredom, just adventure and joy! How great it is that I can start now!

My prayer today is that I seek to become all that God created me to be, holding nothing back. I want to submit my whole self to Christ for eternity, worshiping Him and emptying myself out before Him all day, every day. Just plain old full submission. I'm so blessed that what I receive in return is his loving care, guidance and fellowship. He is my father. So glad.