Last night I discovered something very important about myself. Something I probably should already have known. I have always thought my quick and explosive temper was the main gateway to sin and misdirection in my life, the one thing standing between me and true intimacy with God, but now I know the truth. It is FEAR! Most of the bone-headed mistakes I make, such as rapid-fire emails and hasty phone calls to "defend" myself or my children are firmly rooted and grounded in fear. Fear of being thought of incorrectly. Fear of being taken advantage of. Fear of losing someone I love. The list goes on into eternity. Even my temper, which I have been frank about in this blog, is usually triggered by some free-floating anxiety or outright terror. My fits at homework time almost always stem from the fear that I have been a negligent parent and that is why my child is unprepared. My anger with my loved ones is nearly always tied to the idea that I just don't mean anything much to them (and to some of them, I don't, which deepens my pathos in the other relationships).
My rage about things I cannot control (gonna cross stitch the "Serenity Prayer" at some point) boils over into outright confrontations with some people. I am getting more blunt in my middle age. Not always good. I get very angry any time I fear that I might be overlooked, as I have a root of rejection growing down into infancy, when I could not be held for my first few days due to a collapsed lung. Any time I am upset about ANYTHING, I want to take action FAST. The upshot of that fact is that I stay in a state of emotional upheaval and turmoil quite a bit of the time. I am immobilized by the guilt and shame following angry actions triggered by my fears.
Admitting this is a step toward healing, some might say. I hope so, though I do believe it will be a long road. Last night I just exhaustedly told myself that I MUST lay down my whole life to Christ. That means laying the fears down at His feet and leaving them there. The only problem is that they tend to follow me, mocking me all of the way through my day. This is the heat of the battle...spiritual warfare between me and the Holy Spirit in me, who Satan, my adversary, knows is formidable and Satan himself and his many demons who I know have specific tasks, as the Bible makes this clear. It is so easy for my to forget this and to legitimize all of my fears and insecurities instead of understanding that they are usually (always, if I am to believe that God has my life in His loving hands) lies. Here's what Jesus said about Satan; "He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44, New International Version, 1984).
Where my Father God is concerned, I am afraid I have been acting something like the precious little hummingbird I saw yesterday when I took my dog Charlie out into my backyard. He flew in for a good look at me (I was wearing hot pink), but when I moved closer, the delicate little fairylike being backed up in the helicopter-hovering-maneuver-thing they do. He took a sip from the feeder and then went a little higher in the tree. I am curious about my Father God, I want to trust Him with my whole life, but sometimes I get so far and then back way up. Pray for me! Should have known doing a biblestudy on personal revival would rock my world. When the ride comes to a close, it will have been worth it. This I am sure of.
My rage about things I cannot control (gonna cross stitch the "Serenity Prayer" at some point) boils over into outright confrontations with some people. I am getting more blunt in my middle age. Not always good. I get very angry any time I fear that I might be overlooked, as I have a root of rejection growing down into infancy, when I could not be held for my first few days due to a collapsed lung. Any time I am upset about ANYTHING, I want to take action FAST. The upshot of that fact is that I stay in a state of emotional upheaval and turmoil quite a bit of the time. I am immobilized by the guilt and shame following angry actions triggered by my fears.
Admitting this is a step toward healing, some might say. I hope so, though I do believe it will be a long road. Last night I just exhaustedly told myself that I MUST lay down my whole life to Christ. That means laying the fears down at His feet and leaving them there. The only problem is that they tend to follow me, mocking me all of the way through my day. This is the heat of the battle...spiritual warfare between me and the Holy Spirit in me, who Satan, my adversary, knows is formidable and Satan himself and his many demons who I know have specific tasks, as the Bible makes this clear. It is so easy for my to forget this and to legitimize all of my fears and insecurities instead of understanding that they are usually (always, if I am to believe that God has my life in His loving hands) lies. Here's what Jesus said about Satan; "He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44, New International Version, 1984).
Where my Father God is concerned, I am afraid I have been acting something like the precious little hummingbird I saw yesterday when I took my dog Charlie out into my backyard. He flew in for a good look at me (I was wearing hot pink), but when I moved closer, the delicate little fairylike being backed up in the helicopter-hovering-maneuver-thing they do. He took a sip from the feeder and then went a little higher in the tree. I am curious about my Father God, I want to trust Him with my whole life, but sometimes I get so far and then back way up. Pray for me! Should have known doing a biblestudy on personal revival would rock my world. When the ride comes to a close, it will have been worth it. This I am sure of.
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