Life is so hard. In between the victorious moments lies a whole heapin' helpin' of "get-along-Sally"!!!! By that I mean loads and loads and loads (and loads) of doldrums. Ditches of obligation and mind-bendingly dull duty. Whew. That's where my immature heart usually faints. I had set out in life to pursue a fulfilling career doing what I love (journalism). I made a hard right turn into motherhood. Now I am out in the wide-open meadows of opportunity again, my children pretty self-sufficienct. I have hours and hours of potential writing time on my hands. I also, like all of the rest of you, have hours and hours of chore time. Even my writing looms before me like Mt. Everest and I feel like a climber with no ropes at times. Just my hands and nubby fingernails.
What to do? Well, what I like to do is intersperse a lot of fun/intellectually stimulating (read: good books) into the mix. A toilet-scrubbing here, a chapter there. A PRAYER BEGGING FOR HELP EVERYWHERE!
Somewhere along the line of this middle-aged epiphany process I began to realize that my time on earth is a precious commodity slipping madly through my fingers every day. Yesterday in church (we are visiting one and not plugged in at all) I felt the fingers of despair clutching at my heart. "What have I done with my life?" The pastor was talking about a recent trip to Haiti, showing photos of people working with special needs kids. "Everyone else has made something meaningful of their time," I lamented inwardly. "What have I done?"
I realized pretty quickly that I cannot force purpose into my life. God opens doors, and He shuts some, too. It's fine to pry them back open, but be ready for some interesting results. The best you can hope for is some sort of lukewarm swim, water brackish with the detritus of other people's purpose washing over you. So my job is to wait patiently before the Lord, doing what is at hand, what I know to do today. Might be one of the hardest tasks out there. Just waiting.
But for the Christian, waiting is active, too. While we are waiting we are commanded to worship God, to bathe ourselves in the Word, to pray without ceasing, and to love others that He brings into our orbit. To do the good that is right before us, regardless of how humble the task, how obscure we feel in doing it. I remember once, in a time of tremendous spiritual growth many, many years ago, telling the Lord (and myself) that if all He wanted of me was for me to do nothing but stand still I would do that, and with a heart that was emptied of self before Him, continually shedding who I am and taking on who He wants me to be. Those who know me are probably thinking "WHOA! She is a long way from that!" That's okay. It's time for me to live for an audience of one, as the popular Christian song repeats. If, while I am standing still, I am daily, hourly, minute-by-minute re-submitting my entire being to Christ as His, I am doing enough in God's eyes. I will hear His voice, because He promises me in scripture that I will.
The Christian who waits on the Lord is like someone who waded into a glorious, rushing mountain stream on a desperately hot day. The water rises to a comfortable level around them and they are refreshed. Their senses are heightened, and they are in love with their surroundings. It is, indeed, an active waiting.
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