Life on the Knees

Today I found something I wrote on July 8, 2011. Thought I would share it.

Lord, I long to reconnect with You. I want to be obedient. Please help me to surrender to You, hearing Your voice rather than the voices around me, telling me I need to do this or do that. Lord, I am going through a time of trying to figure things out on my own that I should be leaving with You. Please help me to remember to hold my heart out to You, not my hands. Lord, please lead me in the right path for the rest of my life. Please help me to be fully surrendered to You. Being fully surrendered seems to me to have more to do with a constant state of a bowed heart that allows the searchlight of the Holy Spirit to continually scan for dark spots, and then allows the cleansing power of the Holy Spirit to wash those clean. It is a life lived on the knees, both repenting often to keep short accounts with God and asking for guidance in all matters in life. It is a life lived in the power of the Holy Spirit, as it is impossible to please God using human strength. It is a life lived with the continual knowledge that I need God to take every part of me and set all parts in order, to cleanse and make holy and set right my mind, my heart. The fully surrendered life is a constant awareness that life is about, first and foremost, making our lives and everything we are, a gift back to God who deserves it because He is God, because He is perfect, because He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords. It is first and foremost about worshiping and adoring Him, because He deserves it. As a result, He calls us sons and daughters and we enjoy His fellowship, which is intimate and sweet. He doesn't treat us as servants, though we serve Him in His power, but as beloved children.

I have not arrived here, friends and family...but it helped me today to re-read this prayer I wrote over a year ago. It reminded me of what I can hope for. It gave me new focus. I am very much humbled when I compare where I am now and where I can and want to be some day in my relationship with God through my savior, Jesus Christ, who opened the way to the Father for me and who paid on the cross at Calvary for EVERY sin I ever have and will ever commit. 

Faithful

It is so healing to me to recognize that Jesus Christ is in this room with me right this minute. I need Him. His presence fills every hole in my heart. It nourishes my soul. He has never left. He has never moved away from me. I have moved away from Him in so many ways on so many days, yet every time I turn to Him, He is there. His love gives me rest from my hard, hard journey in life.

The more I yearn to walk with Him, the more the challenges seem to roll in. I pray that I will be found faithful, but, even if I am not, He will be. He will be.

Shades of Loss Permeate This Life

The pain of loss. It's an aching, yawning cavern. It is a place where you feel that God cannot reach you. Intellectually, if you are a Christian, you know the Bible says that there is no place like that, either in heaven or on earth. Whether it's the loss of a child, other loved one, or merely the loss of a long-cherished dream, loss makes us feel wildly abandoned and utterly crushed, no matter what our rational mind says to the contrary.

Have you ever struggled with how to pray for someone who is experiencing a deep sense of loss? I have. Recently I struggled with how to pray for the familes who lost their young children in Connecticut. I was so overcome with the horror of what they were dealing with, I did not know what to ask God to do for them. I did not know what would work to mitigate their pain. I wanted to, as so many of you did as well, push a button and make those hurting people okay, make them whole again.

We say that we know that we are on a journey heavenward, that the most important thing in life is serving God. However, there are so many things on this earth that we hold very dear, beginning with our spouses and children and working outward to our other family members. We hold our vocations dear, because they are an expression of who we are. We hold our physical bodies dear, because they let us express ourselves and fit in with society. We hold our marriages close, because they are integral to our identity, our sense of being loved and accepted unconditionally. When any one of these precious possessions is lost or damaged, a person can feel as if they are thrown into a pit. Sometimes it feels as if one is falling for a very long time. While they are hurtling into the blackness, there is nowhere to put their feet on solid ground, no place to grasp hold of with their hands. It is just a continual falling. And very, very lonely. I have so many Facebook friends around the country who have lost parents recently. I have other friends who, like me, suffered the mind-bending loss of miscarriage. Loss is all around us, all of the time. Even if we are not currently in a season of it ourselves, we MUST carry other people's burdens, help lighten their loads through prayer and support.

How is it possible to recover from loss? That's a tough one, since there are shades of it going on all throughout a person's life. I do believe in praying and believing for a hedge of protection around those I love. I am not going to give up my faith that God is a good God and stop believing him for favor and a long, healthy life for me and for those I love. Not at all. However, what do I do and what do I encourage others to do when they are suffering so much that they feel disconnected, not only from the Lord, but from all of the rest of us, who seem so happy by comparison? First and foremost, I will cry with them. Secondly, I will beg God for his comforting presence to rest on them. Third, I will remember that no one ever got through loss alone. We need each other.

Maybe Today

I have a deep-seated hunger to serve God. To know, deep inside, that my life is about more than pleasing myself. Too often, however, I get into a rut of self-serving behavior, doing life for me. There are so many pleasures I enjoy indulging in, none of them wrong or immoral. It's just that the sum total of my life displeases me at times. I want to feel as if I am serving the Lord by serving others, that the pie graph of my time reflects the true priorities of my heart, and that those priorities are ordered by the Lord.

My prayer today is that my childish pride would be replaced by a childlike humility as I prayerfully look for ways to serve. It's tough not having decided on a church just yet...they provide a sturdy framework for service of all types.

Maybe today I will come into contact with someone who needs an encouraging word. That would be enough! Maybe today I will hear God's voice providing clear direction in a relationship where I would be his hands and feet, or maybe just speak His words of life and affirmation.

Not All Roads Lead to Freedom

I want to start your day (or end it, as the case may be) on a humorous note. Those who know me need no explanation here, but for those who do not, here goes. I frequently do not do the dishes after dinner. Sometimes it's lunchtime the next day. I have a longstanding love affair with the last minute, actually getting more done in the hour before Gary gets home than I do all day. (It's amazing, actually.) I used to have a hobby of leaving things on top of my car and driving away. Once, during the year I was a t.v. reporter, I left the videotape of that entire day's work on top of the news car and drove away. Back at the station, I realized what happened, retraced my steps and risked my life on a highway to retrieve the tape. One of my neighbors once approached me on my driveway with a stack of "Magic Schoolbus" books that he had enjoyed watching flutter down from my car roof as I drove out of the cul-de-sac in a happy oblivion. I am not the most organized and focused individual in the universe.

A few years back (not enough to avoid embarrassment at the revelation) I thought for a few fleeting moments that I might want to try one of the older Christian denominations known far and wide for their legalism (mode of dress, hairstyle, etc.). I was just that desperate for holiness, purity, and freedom from, well, MYSELF! My husband quickly informed me that I would be heading down that path WITHOUT him. I was reminded of my desperation just today as I read a passage in Philippians. Paul was a certified jew. He was steeped in tradition and rote religiosity (and pomposity) when the reality of Jesus Christ took his life by a storm. Listen to the feeling in this passage.

"If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more; circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.

BUT (emphasis mine) whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own, that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:4-11, NIV, 1984.)

If you try to take these words found in God's holy word and push them through a religious pipe they will not fit. So the key, my wonderful friends, is a living, breathing relationship with Christ. Pray continually, trust him, enjoy his fellowship. Watch your world change. Watch your heart melt, become pliable, and then take on the shape of HIS choosing! Happy Christian trails!!!

Walking on the Waves

Am I hopelessly middle-aged to assume that what every person is really searching for is REST? I am making a rug depicting a tiny church with a soft mantle of snow on its roof. The sidewalk is neatly shovelled, the warm light from the exterior beckons. Someone had the completed version for sale on one of the auction websites. Their description arrested my attention. It went something like this: "This restful little church nestled in the pine forest is ready for evening worship."

Nestled. ("For You are my hiding place; You protect me from trouble," Psalm 32:7, NLT). Restful. ("I entrust my spirit into your hand," Psalm 31:5, NLT). Ready for worship. ("Let the godly sing for joy to the Lord; it is fitting for the pure to praise him. Praise the Lord with melodies on the lyre; make music for him on the ten-stringed harp, and sing with joy. For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does," Psalm 33:1-4, NLT.)

Whatever life has handed you....hardship, grief, loss; Jesus can fill in the gaps with His healing love and the life and invigoration of His presence. He will lead you to the still waters. "Late that night, the disciples were in their boat in the middle of the lake, and Jesus was alone on land. He saw that they were in serious trouble, rowing hard and struggling against the wind and waves. About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. He intended to go past them, but when they saw him walking on the water, they cried out in terror, thinking he was a ghost. They were all terrified when they saw him.

But Jesus spoke to them at once. 'Don't be afraid,' he said. 'Take courage! I am here!' Then he climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped." (Mark 6:47-51, NLT)

"That's all well and good for those disciples...they were CHOSEN of God for something big and He was trying to establish Christianity by doing all of those things and sharing himself with them so fully" you might say. "This is 2012 and I am just me over here in a corner. This doesn't relate." Well, if that is your thinking, chew on this verse today: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8, NLT).

Flying without Wings

I want to issue a little challenge to my readers today. A few years back I scanned a book by a famous pediatrician that basically made the case for the divine calling, or unique imprint, on each individual life (though it was not a religious book). His premise was that a lot of the kids we categorize as having a disorder, in reality have brains which are wired for a very specific job or skill set. Thousands of young people are not mentored and do not fully activate that set of abilities. It's the reason our prisons full to bursting. It's confusing and empty not to realize some or all of your calling.

Back to my challenge for you, my wonderful readers. Many of you are mired in the muck of everydayness. I may have made up a word there, but, no matter. With the economy in tatters and all of those well-dressed (and highly paid) media persons screaming about the fiscal cliff, many are just happy to be working at all, not having the luxury of finding the job that is the perfect fit. Doesn't mean they cannot spend some time doing something that makes them want to sing. Ask yourself honestly the following question: "What is that one thing that makes me feel as if I am flying high over my problems and soaring through a blue sky when I do it?" For me, this is writing. I get excited about a new blog post, can hardly wait to start tapping these keys. I could be having the most stifling, duty-laden day on record and the thought of a few minutes of writing gives my heart wings. Find this one thing for yourself. If you can think of a way to bless others while doing it, so be it. If not, carve some time anyway and do it as unto the Lord...He enjoys watching you enjoy being the you He made you to be.

Don't forget to live a balanced life. God is in it! Pray for His blessing on your path, and do not be ashamed to do so!

Joy of Giving

It is so wonderful, so inspiring to realize that, as the authors of "Experiencing God" (Blackaby and Cloud) so firmly underscore, God is at work, everywhere, all of the time. I saw a news story about a lady who was celebrating her ninetieth birthday by collecting money for the Salvation Army outside of a business. She handed out cookies to folks walking by in celebration of her own birthday. It was her day, and she was doing for others. What an example.

I think it's a good idea to check your motives every once in a while, with regard to your relationships. Some people are naturally selfless, and others are so far along in their spiritual lives that giving with the right motives is as natural as breathing to them. I thought this morning about some of the people I love. Bending over backwards for my children is like protecting my left arm (I'm left-handed), or shielding my eyes from harm. It's instinctive. But what about the other relationships in my life, people like my parents or brother and sisters? Friends, neighbors? I stand to gain so much from knowing them, from having them hold me in high esteem. Do I do anything for them simply for their benefit alone? It's food for thought. I heard a preacher say a couple of years back "Motive is everything to God." Makes sense. He just doesn't bless selfish acts. He's not in them. And He sees what no one else sees.

If you want a blessing that will knock your socks off, and put wind in your spiritual sails which will carry you a country mile, just let God use you anonymously. Let Him direct your steps today, and be aware of need around you. Consciously try to give in areas in which you will receive no personal benefit. You may end up hearing someone say something like this: "You know, I was praying for someone to come along." Wouldn't that be the Christmas present to end all presents???

Man Overboard

Just this morning, I got a beautiful, loving, gentle reminder of where my healing, wholeness, peace and fulfillment lie in their entirety! I was watching videos of praise music...tuned in to Morris Chapman singing "Falling in Love with Jesus"... as well as "He is Able"... Morris, in his rich, exquisite tones reminded all who fell within the sound of his voice that God is able to "do much more than I could ever dream." I love the part of "He is Able" that says that God is more than able to "make me what He wants me to be." What. He. Wants. What a beautiful, glorious promise. What peace, what rest for the Christian soul. Not only do I not have to decide what is best for me to do and become, but I am not responsible for getting myself there, either. Back to the first song I mentioned..."Falling in Love with Jesus"... this morning this song threw a balm of absolute peace over my soul as I was reminded of the all-encompassing pleasure, the joy, of being in fellowship with Jesus. If I never got another gift, achieved another milestone, the riches of His fellowship would still make me overflow...what a treasure!!!

I am ready to abandon ship...the ship of wrong-thinking, worldly yearnings, self-centered living, guilt-ridden fear, the whole moldy, rotted-plank mess. I am ready to abandon myself to Christ, yet again. The richest time of growth in my Christian life was also a time marked by enjoying a lot of praise music. There is healing in the presence of God. EVERY single need is met in His presence. There is absolutely no lack there.

Abiding, Part II

About to greet another day. Feeling excited about all of the Thanksgiving preparations I am about to undergo. Cleaning, making pies, thawing the turkey. It will be a fun day. A really fun day!

I have gone through so many shades of emotional/mental housecleaning in recent weeks. The last two, especially. Last night I was praying "Lord, let me wear myself out serving you until the day comes when I am to meet You face-to-face." Let me explain this prayer. I have an on-going battle with deep sadness and loss of purpose. It is getting much worse as I age. It's just one of many savage spiritual battles that wage around the fringes of my life at all times, trying to get in and destroy the center of who I am and what I do. To compound the mid-life musings which most people have, my enemy (Satan) tells me at all times that I have nothing left to look forward to. Almost as soon as I had uttered this prayer, I felt a check. I don't want to presume that it was the Holy Spirit, but let me explain the check.

"Maybe," I began to think, "it's not about wearing myself out. Maybe it's about abiding." I put a bookmark right there and headed off for home to put my frozen turkey breasts in my freezer before shooting back to pick my son up from Tae Kwon Do. (I did not forget to flip my brights catty-corner across from the bank and just in front of the Home Depot to see if the three deer I have been seeing by the road were there.)

This morning I have lifted the bookmark and am looking at that moment in time again. Abiding. It assumes that the Holy Spirit is doing the heavy lifting in my life. It assumes that all accomplishment flows from Him and all glory goes back to Him. It assumes that my highest calling is to abandon myself to Christ and enjoy his fellowship. It assumes that my heart's desire and greatest purpose is living snug in Him. The work I do will flow naturally from this relationship, and all unimportant religious actitivity will fall away. Sounds good to me!! Actually, sounds downright HEAVENLY! Right here on earth.

Abiding

I am reminded this morning of my heavenly Father's love for me. It occurs to me that He has walked with me through every season of life. He knows the forces that formed my personality and understands how my mind and emotions are wired. He is full of compassion.

He is the only One who HAS walked every single step of life's journey with me. He has healing in His mighty right hand. He can fill every single empty space in my heart. He longs to show compassion to me.

I also rejoice this morning that I have the mind of Christ. It is my spiritual birthright. There have been times in my life, especially when I was an adolescent and teen, when all I could do was pray the name of Jesus. It was enough. "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; /The righteous run to it and are safe."( Proverbs 18:10, NKJV) Demonic forces which gathered to take my joy, steal my future, destroy my life, scattered like so many buzzards. I just kept praying the Name and imagined that my heavenly Father was taking my battered heart, dusting it off, setting all of it to rights. I trusted then, and trust now, that He will align my thoughts and priorities in His perfect will.

I have to repeat my firm conviction when it comes to asking for help with strongholds of sin. God has shown me (and I believe I have finally learned) that he does not do a la carte sin removal. He wants absolutely ALL of us. Lock, stock and barrel. Henceforward, any time I feel I am holding some part of myself back from Him, I will try to remember that I need His total healing and restoration.

Emotional brokenness is more deadly than physical brokenness. "The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,/But who can bear a broken spirit?" (Proverbs 18:14, NKJV) The good news is that when we come to God with a fully humble spirit, acknowledging that ALL of our strength is in Him and that any good in our hearts will be wrought by the Holy Spirit, He is ready to do the heavy lifting. "Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me." John 15:4

Little Foxes

I am frustrated because I have an acquaintance who does not respect boundaries. They violate them because they can, because they know it would be hopelessly petty for me to remark on the invasion. It probably would be. On the other hand, I do feel I would be within my rights to speak up. It is this exact quandary that has me anxious today. I feel I have been patient about this particular issue. Not sure how to handle it. Life is filled with these quandaries. They are never easy. My husband, on the other hand, moves very, very slowly with regard to smaller boundary issues. He is very diplomatic. He is careful to pick his battles, thinking correctly that good relations with people should be maintained in all cases.

I have particular issues with controlling aspects of my life, especially my property. In our house we try to teach respect for each other's belongings, asking before borrowing or plundering, etc. As a result, we don't really have any issues in that department. I also want control of my time, which is valuable to me personally. Control is really big to me. BIG, BIG.

It's important to note that life does not work this way. There is no complete control for any one of us. We cannot exercise all of our rights all of the time. I have operated within my rights more than once only to realize I had sacrificed an important relationship or created an impression of myself that was less than flattering!

As the fog of my depression starts to lift, I hope I will be better able to hear God's voice telling me when to shut-up. Actually, what I need is the motivation and strength to actually shut-up or walk away when He is telling me to. I know that anxiety over small matters is like the little foxes that get in and destroy the vine. I will miss the rich harvest because I obssessed over small issues. Who wants to be guilty of that?

I guess the upshot of all of this is that I have to take my life more slowly, trying to hear God's wisdom in each situation. I will have to work the Bible and prayer into the fabric of my daily life, kneading them both into my impulsive nature.
 

View From the Valley

I am going through a very humbling time. It's easy to say the Lord is our strength when times are bearable enough to make it on our own strength. Real easy to say it then. I am going through some things right now that have made me cry "Uncle"...and look to other people for help.

It is tremendously liberating to know that God can, and does, use a variety of means to help us in any kind of trouble we are in. I am thankful for that! I have hit a spot where I fully realize I need a hand up. Lots of hands, actually!!

I decided that, in addition to getting professional help for my on-going battle with depression, I will also open my life and my heart to friends again. I have spent so many years in the shadows, hiding from the outside world, hoping that no one will see my pain and weakness. Hoping that they will not reject me. I was throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

I have not changed, reader. I still DO believe that God hears and answers our prayers. I still DO believe I will see His goodness in the land of the living, as the scriptures teach. I really do. It's just that I am a human being, made of dust, prone to weakness and failure and in need of an understanding Savior who will send just the right resources in just the right time, if only I will open my hand to recieve them.

Don't panic, those of you who have held my hand through the last few days...I don't plan to turn you into my on-the-go therapists. I am sorry if I have made you feel that way. I am, however, going to let you all into my life and enjoy your fellowship. I am going to leave the light on in my heart for you, so that you know you may call me at any time and I will respond. I am ready to again take on the risks of interaction with friends and associates, knowing that the possibility of hurt or rejection is worth the rich, rich rewards of fellowship!

Today I said to the Lord, "If YOU do not help me, there is no help for me." Within minutes I was on the phone with a dear friend who said "I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU!" She encouraged me in my blogging endeavor (of course Satan had worked overtime to get me to stop) and we agreed we have to get together for lunch very soon. I hung up the phone in awe of how God knows EXACTLY what we need EXACTLY when we have got to have it! He knows. He really does.

I guess I have learned that getting help does not make me weak. Being a human being makes me weak. No one is strong all of the time. Life is not easy for anyone.

Shedding

Any of my readers who suffer from addictive behaviors will certainly relate to this blog post! I recently gave up two addictions. I have severely limited my Facebook time and I have cut out certain kinds of shopping on ebay. I was not overspending on ebay. I was, however, spending bizarre amounts of time shopping and I was, though never going outside my budget, buying things I did not need.

How did I give these two things up? I made a commitment to God on both counts. I have broken the commitment a couple of times, which led to a quick confession and turnabout. Overall, this has worked, as I know there is no blessing on disobedience, and I fear the ramifications of making commitments to the Lord and then treating them lightly.

The upshot of giving up two things that had served as wonderful distractions (and they worked hand-in-hand as I loved to post my finds on my FB hobby pages) is that I have had to deal with the anxieties I had been using the addictions to run from. I have had all kinds of negative emotions flood to the surface now that I do not have the addictions to push them down and hold them under.

I know with my rational mind that this life is not about me. It is not about pleasure, even though I do believe that God wants us to enjoy life and live it to the fullest. It is about living for God, loving and serving others, and praising Him with our words, and with our lives. I know this. I think, though, that as you age and reconsider your priorities, you begin to see a pattern of NOT living like that. I had some watermarks I had wanted to reach by now. I have not and may not ever reach them. I am struggling with that.

Living exclusively for God infuses even the ordinary with meaning. It makes the world come alive with color, texture and joy. It chases the darkest shadows away. It makes horrible things bearable and wonderful things ten times better. I had a counselor once tell me that depression is nothing more than a person listening to the voice of Satan over the voice of the Holy Spirit.

I know there are people who are going through extremely difficult things right now who probably hate my "Pollyanna," feel-good approach to life. "Glad it works for you," is probably the sarcastic thought running through their minds as they scan the page. Truth is, it only works for me when I let it. The presence of God in the quiet of my home is a healing, strengthening, amazingly joy-filled experience. When I take time for Him, I am reminded that He is my reason for being, and He will never leave my side. He cannot be taken from me, or me from Him. There is everlasting joy in His presence. It doesn't have a whit to do with my circumstances, though He is concerned about those, too.

I will have to press into Him more than I ever have in coming months as, (watch out), I will be shedding more addictions, including sugar, naps, internet news searches, oh, the list will be long. At this rate, I may be dealing with emotions suppressed since infancy. I have decided that emotional wholeness IS my spiritual birthright. I can live happy and go to heaven fulfilled and peaceful.

The Eyes of the Lord Are On Me

Several hours after writing yesterday's blog, I got some solid encouragement from my mom. She is right in that we, as forgiven believers, should expect the best from our Lord. We should believe for His protection, provision, love and, best of all, his GRACE! This infused me with hope and reminded me to pray for God's best for my life and the lives of all of the people that I hold dear. I will believe, as the last line of the Psalm I recorded here yesterday states, that people will take note that God has dealt "bountifully" with me. I am His!

I finished the top half of the star on the Christmas tree on the rug I am hooking last night. I let its little mock light cheer me and I thought about good things. I will feast my mind on GOOD things today. I realize that this does not happen by accident. It is not natural, either. Our human bent is to worry, to let our minds swerve into what is not going right. Today I CHOOSE happiness. Today I will CHOOSE to love myself, to congratulate myself for what I am and have done right and good. Today I will CHOOSE thankfulness for every good gift from God. It is time to recognize spiritual warfare and make a conscious decision to ignore Satan's lies and to believe the truth of God's word.

"For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." (2 Chronicles 16:9, NKJV)

Silent Cries Are Heard By God

I have been thinking about the man who lived among the tombs. He was so tormented. There was no comfort for him. He could not even be restrained. The worst part of his story is that he continually cut himself with stones. I guess he had a particularly deep sense of self-loathing.

This man, whose story can be found in the New Testament of the Bible, was demon-possessed. Do I believe in demon possession? Absolutely. Man is spirit at his core. The spirit lives on forever after the body has decayed. If the spirit is not filled by God, it is wide open to intervention by Satan, the enemy of our souls.

Mark 5:5 says of the man "And always, night and day, he was in the mountains and in the tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones." He was crying out. There are many ways to cry out. Some of them are silent. The man who works night and day, until his family forgets what he looks like, driven by a fear of failure. The teenage girl who exercises for hours on end to have the perfect body. The housewife who keeps her home razor-sharp, and her fashionable wardrobe on the cutting edge, who invites only the "best"people to her parties and bites her nails as she waits for the RSVPs. Who doesn't sleep at night because, no matter who DOES come to her parties, she feels she is nobody and that, one day, everyone will find this out. There is the widow who leaves the house to get the mail and a few groceries, to see a doctor now and again, but for no other reason. Every day looks the same and all hope is gone.

Each of these people, though they may or may not suffer from demon possession (some do), are certainly oppressed by the devil. They have lost their joy. They are slaves to negative emotions and the accompanying habits which are destroying them from the inside out.

Jesus set the man who wandered among the tombs free. It was such an incredible miracle that when those who had been acquainted with him saw him "sitting and clothed and in his right mind," they were afraid. The power of God to transform this person took them aback. The people I described above might not seem to be out of their minds. They are, however, in need of the "right mind," or the mind of Christ, which is marked by peace, joy, acceptance of the love of God, balanced perspective and right priorities.

Here is a prayer that King David prayed, which is recorded in Psalm 142. He felt alone, as many people do every single day. He was overwhelmed. Be sure to notice the very last line. This is where his faith, and ours, should rest.

"I cry out to the Lord with my voice;
With my voice to the Lord I make my supplication.
I pour out my complaint before Him;
I declare before Him my trouble.
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,
Then You knew my path.
In the way in which I walk
They have secretly set a snare for me.
Look on my right hand and see,
For there is no one who acknowledges me;
Refuge has failed me;
No one cares for my soul.
I cried out to You, O Lord;
I said, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.
Attend to my cry,
For I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are stronger than I.
Bring my soul out of prison,
That I may praise Your name;
The righteous shall surround me,
For You shall deal bountifully with me.'"

Light of the Living

Yesterday, at the church we visited, something happened that will be etched into my memory for a long time. A homeless man who had struggled with alcohol dependency was being baptized. He looked like he was about my age. The pastor read from some statements the man had made prior to the baptism. "I had lost the touch for life," he said. Jesus had changed everything for him and he was filled with hope again, he went on to say.

Wow. That's exactly how I feel! I am not chemically dependent. I am living a responsible life. But, due to a depression that is creeping back over my head like a smothering blanket, I am feeling like I have "lost the touch for life." I have battled depression since I left the womb. The struggle is part of who I am. I am tired of it. I don't think it's God's plan for the believer. Wintertime is especially hard, however.

Today will be an excellent day to feast my mind and heart on the scriptures which call me to joy in the Lord. I like this one: "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 (NKJV)

Here's another powerful passage: "You number my wanderings;/Put my tears into Your bottle;/Are they not in Your book?/When I cry out to You,/Then my enemies will turn back;/This I know, because God is for me./In God (I will praise His word),/In the Lord (I will praise His word),/In God I have put my trust;/I will not be afraid,/What can man do to me?/Vows made to You are binding upon me, O God;/I will render praises to you,/For You have delivered my soul from death./Have you not kept my feet from falling,/That I may walk before God/In the light of the living?" Psalm 56: 8-13 (NKJV).

The Four Walls of Today

Last four days have been hard. They made me wish I had the structure of a nine-to-five job to keep me on track.

Sometimes it seems there is a gaping hole in my life where a vocation would have been. I will grieve and wonder what I can do about it, then, in the next second, a friend will comment as to how much she wishes she did not have to work, talk about impossible people she is working with or how disappointed she is in the promotion that did not happen. Worse yet, she'll say she missed something with her kids or that she wondered if they needed more time with her. The pendulum then swings back to thankfulness for me, with the caveat that I need to write more.

I guess the upshot of all of this musing is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, on the flip side of a choice. In the end we have to live with the decisions we have made, and make the very best of our circumstances, with God's help. Time for me to dust myself off and have another go at pleasing God with what He has provided for me, trusting that He will change my circumstances and lead me down the right paths, his grace raining on any mistakes I have made as He guides me heavenward. Belief is crucial here. Faith is essential.

I suppose this Sunday morning I will have to purpose in my heart to live within the four walls of today. Make a plan for today, then do it. Life is easier in bite-sized chunks.

Hugging My Mug This Morning!

Cold morning! Time to get the fireplace going and get excited about winter. Yes, you heard me right, get excited about winter. Every season of the year, just like every season of life, has its joys. I look forward to that all-important first "snow" day! It will be here before we know it. If the kids are lucky, it will sneak up on us before Christmas. The excitement usually builds at least the night before, as the weather forecasters begin rolling their maps out. I hear a local station's weather tune in my head right now...and I know my children are familiar with it! I get as excited as they do because it means that we can all sleep in. It also means that if my youngest needs homework help, there will be at least two nights and a day to get it done. It's a treat for me, too.

That's only ONE joy of winter. The barren landscape has a beauty all its own. How, you ask? Well, I understand the question. I remember when I first realized that all references to Christmas had gone out of the public schools, and that my children would be having "Winter" parties in December. "Who in this wide world celebrates winter," I remember asking incredulously of other parents. "The trees look like sticks, everything is brown and it's FREEZING!"

I guess this year, I will look at the landscape differently. For one thing, I will see that it is pregnant with the potential of spring. Hidden in each bough is a leafy explosion waiting to be let out. Secondly, I should be able to see the beautiful cardinals I love so much much more distinctly on those barren branches. The deer will stand out in stark relief on the barren hillsides. Lastly, I love the way my neighborhood looks under a canvas of white. Like something from a modern-day version of "It's a Wonderful Life." I am determined to mine the joys of the season, camera in hand.

Guarding the Gates

I made a grave error yesterday. Unfortunately it is one I have made numerous times in the past. I allowed my curiosity about a major local news story to lead me down the path to learning everything I possibly could about the situation. As a result, I went to bed with my mind filled with horrible and tragic things.

I spent a restless night filled with terrible dreams, including one in which I was falsely arrested. The arresting officer was going through my purse at a table with other police personnel. I could tell that they, by tracking my receipts, were getting the accurate picture of boring housewife and becoming convinced that I was innocent of whatever they had suspected me of (I don't know what that was).

I had stupidly soaked my mind in filth and tragedy by researching the local story. I am reminded that the Bible exhorts us to keep our eyes on Jesus and our minds on things that are of "good report." This is a hard one for a newshound like me to abide by! I am not going to stop watching the news. I will, however, try to avoid over-learning (and over-sharing with friends and husband) about any one particular negative story. I have always been pretty good about guarding the gates of my mind when it comes to television and movies. I guard my spirit when it comes to horror movies, or anything with a demonic bent. I do not watch programming dealing with people who talk to the dead or tell the future, as the Bible is very clear on that subject. (Isaiah 8:19-20). 

Guarding our spirits, especially for those of us who work from home or who are at home most of the day, is very, very difficult in this super-high-tech age. Overwhelming amounts of information are available at our fingertips in an instant on any topic we choose. But we do not get a pass. We have to do it. We simply must. We are human, just like the people who have erred to the point of making the news. If we do not guard our hearts, minds and spirits, pouring God's Word and wholesome content into them, we are two steps away from big mistakes ourselves. We never want to let our hearts become contaminated with the filth of the world, and then hardened to it.

Though I Stumble, I Will Not Fall From Grace

I am reminded today that the strength of my convictions is only as solid as my connection to Jesus, the true vine. I am but a branch. I will do my best not to judge others harshly, because I know I am only a few shades away from falling myself. 

On the way home from the middle school this morning, I passed a small church with the words "We teach the Bible" on the changeable sign out front. Reminded me of the fact that my success as a fruitful Christian who pleases God is intimately tied into my knowledge of the Bible, and the constant reinforcement of its truths in my mind and heart through repeated, PRAYERFUL study. I stress the word prayerful because I cannot grasp the truth of scripture without the teaching of the Holy Spirit. Left to my own understanding, I would twist its meaning to fit my own pleasure and very limited understanding. I was also reminded, as I sailed past the little red brick church, that there is a movement afoot to modernize the church and leave the parts of scripture that do not fit what people want to do and hear out of all teaching. A book I am studying underscored for me yesterday that the Bible is still the primary way the Lord speaks to us personally. I am thankful for it! It is my true road map for living.

Because we are frail human beings, we will sin. However, we do not have to walk in gross, habitual sin that weighs us down with chains of filth and terrible consequences. We CAN grow in Christ! That excites me! Then, when we stumble, we can get back up with confidence, because a stumble is far different from a life lived in a horrible pit. I am so excited about my journey with Jesus. I am thrilled that I can leave behind so many things that have held me back for so long. I realize that the most important thing is my walk with God through Jesus Christ, and there is no circumstance, person or force on this earth or in hell beneath that can take that away from me. My relationship with Him is secure. I can abandon myself to it utterly, with the full assurance that the payoff will be immeasurable as God fills me with his love, peace and joy for all of eternity.

Powering Out of a Drift

Brand new week for me. Kids have been out of school for the last two days so today feels like a Monday. Going to sit down and evaluate where I will head for the rest of this week. I have found that when I fail to think purposefully and plan accordingly, my life drifts meaninglessly. I have all of the meaning in the world in a leatherbound book on my coffee table. It is my Bible. I want to base the rest of my week on its teachings. I want to bathe my mind in its truth, washing away the ugly dirt of self, the world and the devil.

The word "drift" is frequently applied to cars that are going so fast the drivers lose control a little bit (I know this from overhearing video game talk). The car that "drifts" is really just sliding sideways. Not only is the driver not heading forward anymore, he or she is out of control and the car (along with the laws of physics) is making the decisions for awhile. I do not want my life to live itself. I do not want to end up somewhere by accident. I want to go where He leads. Reminding myself this early morning that everything I do adds up to my life. Need His help, His power, His direction this morning.

We are Foreigners in a Strange Land

Tonight I got a little reminder of the fact that born-again Christians do not gel with the rest of the world. This is hard for me to take as I am a people-pleaser. I love to be liked. I logged on to find that someone had posted, under one of the many Bible verses I had recently posted on the latch hook hobby page I started, that, in their opinion, latch hook has nothing to do with religion and they did not understand why "this" was posted there. (Incidentally, the verse read "Resist the devil and he will flee from you.") Well, the snarky reply I ripped off in anger went something along the lines of "Because the FOUNDER of this page is a Christian and this is a verse from the BIBLE.) Also, I banned her, then unbanned her in the same moment, heat from my anger still flushing my face. I fashioned another response, basically stating that I am unashamed of my faith and that I hoped she stayed with the page. The final thing I did was to take the page down altogether. I had toyed with that idea in the past, anyway and had not been actively posting about my hobby in recent weeks on that page.

No doubt in my mind the enemy of my soul was behind the whole incident. I was reminded that I am to respond in love. It was interesting how I went through several shades of "unlove" before resting on that conclusion. I took the page down because I do not believe arguing with unbelievers on a craft page has one whit to do with my calling. Nasty Facebook banter is the reason I have cut far back on my use of the social medium, as it was messing with my peace in a serious (and utterly needless) way, not to mention WASTING the life God gave me.

I will, if I allow myself to partake of God's bountiful grace, remember to love people of all backgrounds and degrees of separation from God. Only in His strength can I do this. As you may have noticed in a prior blog post, criticizing and talking about others is a horrible habit I am seeking to avert, and is one born of my temper! Getting used to the fact that I will NEVER grow spiritually as long as I am impatient with others, unable to see them with the heart of love Jesus has for them. I just pray that I will learn that delicate balance between ministering to others and allowing others who have no intention of change, no interest in the grace of the cross to suck up my time and pull me into their dark worlds. I am thankful that the wisdom of the Holy Spirit will guide me as I go. I do know that all things must be done in love and gentleness.

Winter Is Coming

(Blog post for Monday, 10/22/12)

Me, Gary and our little nine-year-old dachshund, Charlie, went on a gorgeous two-hour hike today inside the park. It started and dumped out beside a roaring river. As we wended our way around the 3.3 mile loop, we never had to wait for our little dog. He was usually leading the way. The fall color made a canopy over the trail as we traversed gentle, leaf-coated switchbacks. The huge rock outcroppings that form caves throughout the trail made it easy to understand why bears thrive here. There are so many places that would make fabulous dens!

The peace of the wilderness in the Big South Fork Recreation Area by turns soothed and engulfed me today. It threw a quilt of peace over my tired soul one second and sounded empty, lonely echoes through the hollowed out places where I am hurting and have yet to let the Lord fill in and heal the very next!

Amusement parks and beach trips we have done for the sake of our kids. This type of getaway is for us (with the added benefit that the kids are forced to take a break from their x-boxes). They laid around the cabin watching the limited T.V. programming available and listening to ipods while we took in the glorious peace and quiet!

Last evening, after we arrived, I stored some images in my heart (and blog) bank. I will draw on them at later dates for joy and peace. I thank God for the ways in which they feed my spirit. Me, Gary and Charlie went for a very short walk at dusk. As we rounded a bend, we surprised a flock of wild turkeys, which immediately took flight. On the drive back to the cabin, we spotted a couple of graceful does beside the road. A beautiful sunset was just visible through a foreground of jet-black tree silhouettes. Suddenly, in the glare of our headlights, a litter of kittens was there and then gone as we continued on our way. “STOP! Let me pick one,” I exclaimed, as if they were a tiny flower garden. We both knew I was kidding, as I would never let another cat make my Oliver step aside.

This afternoon, while Gary was fishing on the dock behind the cabin, I saw a doe across the pond, grazing beside the water. The leaves were falling so steadily as I worked on, coincidentally, my cross stitch of a litter of kittens in a barn opening, that I constantly had the feeling that someone was creeping up on me. When I said something about it, Gary replied that winter was coming.

 Am I ready for winter? I do not know. There are hard times in every life. Am I drawing close enough to Christ to have joy in every season? Something tells me that if I will pursue him with everything that is in me, taking care with my life, how I live it, what I do with my time, who I share my life with, that when the hard times come, I will be like the house built on the rock, spoken of in scripture. The wind and the rains can beat down, the flood waters may rise, but I will be cozy inside. My life has challenges, as does yours. Some of them are heartbreakingly difficult and confound me. I was thinking on the drive back to the cabin tonight that God knew in advance that I would have these issues in my life. That is comforting to know, because that means He will hold me through them all. I pray that I will address them with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, in His strength and with the knowledge that He loves me unconditionally and will never let me go. I pray that as I face them I will keep my eyes on Jesus, who the Bible tells me is the “author and finisher” of my faith. As I do that, I hope that I will keep my mind on all the many positives in my life! I want to enjoy the journey, and I do know that my Heavenly Father wants me to, too!

Big South Fork, Here She Comes

It is still dark outside. There is a a blanket of calm, a balm of stillness that covers my neighborhood in the predawn hours with heavy garment of peace. People are either still asleep, or they are slowly moving about quiet Sunday morning routines. Some may be, as I am, listening to the comforting sound of coffee brewing while sitting beside a lovely fire in the fireplace. My little dog is curled up in front of my recliner, catching as much warmth as he can from the fire. That little dachshund is ALL about cozy.

In just a few hours we will be heading off for Big South Fork Recreation Area near Oneida, Tennessee. I'll have my family, coffee, cross stitch, good books, THE "Good Book" and my dog, headed for a cabin on six acres with a stocked fish pond and access to the wilderness for hiking. I hope I'll add a bear sighting (from a safe distance) to my memories of the place, which we have visited a handful of times in years past. Even if I do not, I am determined to let my soul feed upon the peace of the wilderness. The last time we went to this particular cabin, I worked on my very first cross stitch piece, a stamped one. It sits beside my coffeemaker, telling the world that if I had enough coffee I would take over the world!!!! (Well, that and really big, "power" hair and I would be set to rule.)

This quick, two-night trip is my fall celebration. I will blog, but won't be able to post until I return because THERE IS NO INTERNET! Hallelujah! We'll be forced to talk to each other!!! See you all on the other side of heaven on earth. I plan to be recharged and ready to dive into the beauty and mystery of seeking to know God better through the glories of winter. Love to you all!!!

Living For Today!

This morning, as my coffee brews, I am reminded that today is a beautifully blank slate, waiting for me to write meaningful things on it. Will I offer up a solution for world peace today? No. I may do some housework and yard work chased by some creative writing, reading my mystery novel, working on my rug and a little bit of cross stitch. Those things all have meaning to me because they are an expression of the life God has given me, in my little corner of the world here in Franklin, TN. I hope I take plenty of time to pray and be thankful for the heaven on earth that is God's plan for ME! I will strive today, in His strength, to live MY life, not comparing it to others, not tailoring it to suit what they think is right for me.

Trapping Fall Color in My Heart

It's fall. I love this time of year. It is the one season that I want to feel as if I am savoring, as the beauty of the colorful foliage seems to drift away far too fast. This year, I don't have as big a flower/pumpkin/scarecrow display out on my front porch as I have had in some years past. A couple of days ago I slung two mums and a pumpkin from Wal-mart out there "for now."

It occurs to me that "now" will soon be yesterday and my paltry fall celebration will be tossed out in favor of Christmas decor. Maybe tomorrow is a good day to re-pot the mums so they will thrive for the next month, and drive a cute scarecrow from Hobby Lobby into the ground near them. Ya gotta have a scarecrow. I used to have one with pigtails. Come on. I don't care who you are, you gotta love a scarecrow with pigtails!!

So I have established that I am not Martha Stewart, or even one of her act-alikes. Back to this glorious season. Going to spend the rest of the fifteen minutes that we have foliage actually looking at it and enjoying it!

We cannot go through life on auto-pilot, so distracted by our duties and our worries that we miss the beauty that is all around us, every single day. I think I know why the colors of this season are here and then gone again so quickly. God knows that we take for granted anything that is always there. DO NOT! Love your family, your friends, your home. Thank Him for your talents, your health, the myriad other ways He has blessed you.

I have included a photo of a tree in my yard that oversweeps my deck because I know, the next time I look at it, the leaves will be gone. Then you and I will be digging as hard as we can into the joys of winter. Yes, I just said the JOYS of winter. More on that to come!

The Gift that Remains

I was awakened at 3:00 a.m. by my dog, barking to be taken out. It was brisk out there, so I was awake for awhile after. In the short intervening time that I did go back to sleep, I had a nightmare. I am not an organized person. I put things off, even things that mean a lot to me. I used to scrapbook quite avidly. I am so many years behind that I have hundreds of photos on walmart.com waiting to be printed. Probably thousands, when you come right down to it. My husband has custody of the family videos. I don't even know what we do have, in that department. I know we never seem to use the video camera. I have only a select few photos on backup in our safe deposit box. I really need to get organized. In my nightmare one of the kids had gone through my plastic box of cds with snapshots on them and had used seven of them for his own purposes, recording over the photos. I awoke with a start. I guess my anxiety over my slipshod memory-keeping, an endeavor that was so important to me when the kids were really small and which has lost some of its urgency to me now that the kids have become a camera-shy preteen and teen and I have cycled through a million hobbies other than scrapbooking, had finally come home to roost.

I got up, brewed the coffee and resolved (for the one-millionth time) that I will make sense of the pictures, SD cards and videos that I do have, and do things differently going forward. We still have a lot of years left to be a family, and to make memories. I felt calmer than I did a couple of hours prior in the inky blackness of my bedroom.

Now that I am sitting here with a steaming cup of coffee in my Yosemite mug, the one that brings back memories of a trip I really enjoyed, I am reminded again that, though Satan may torment us over fear of loss, God wants me to know that the most important thing I will ever possess or experience is my on-going relationship with my heavenly Father through Christ Jesus. Thankfully, it can never be taken away from me.

Being a Hand Up

Last night I watched "The Voice." This is a show I love each time I tune in. Problem is, I have ADD T.V. viewing habits and have never been able to discipline myself to know when and where a certain show comes on so that I can faithfully tune in. The upside of this is that I have never been a T.V. addict. Counting my blessings.

Back to "The Voice." Found myself crying along with a teenage girl from Nashville as she was sent home. She left the stage, not bothering to put on a brave face or to hide her tears. She was just sad. I was sad for her! I loved the fact that she let the mask slip and showed the world that she wanted this and it did not happen and that she was very, very sad.

I find myself wondering this morning if we were all as transparent with each other, not to the point of oversharing or bringing others down in a pity party manner, but simply more open about our failings and struggles as one believer in Christ to another, if there would not be a better sharing of each other's burdens and a sense of relief as we see that those who have it all together in an area in which we struggle (staying away from excessive sugar is, for me, like fighting a 700 lb croc that's got me in a death roll) has their own daily battle to turn over something else and call on the Lord's strength to get by temptation.

I try to open up here and there about my weaknesses. I want to be the hand up to a person who has cried bitter, bitter tears and feels, for lack of a better term, "stuck," in a particular sin pattern. I want them to understand that, not only are they forgiven, but there is tremendous grace waiting to be released upon their situation. Strength to help in time of need. The Bible says in 2 Peter that "the Lord knows how to deliver the godly out of temptations." (NKJV) If we will listen to His voice and hearken to His wise counsel concerning where to go, how to spend out time and who to fellowship with, the process of accepting freedom from the bondage of sinful habit will be so much easier. The Lord will do the heavy lifting.

Calling All Saints (And That Means You, Defeated Brother or Sister)

"Shazaaaam!" moment. I have got to stop the 24/7 news cycle of Satan and his minions, who are ever accusing me to my face. They have it right just enough of the time (99.9% of the time the lies are fantastical and yet brilliantly manipulative...my enemy has watched me for a very long time) to keep me face down in the dirt of condemnation. I am a sinner. What a newsflash! Only thing is, I get the distinct impression that God wants me to identify with what the Bible calls the born-again believer in Christ, thanks to his sacrifice on the cross, and that is a S.A.I.N.T. A saint is an overcomer. A saint is washed in the holiness that is showered on us by God's grace via the cross. A saint is forgiven. A saint has an audience with the Almighty God. A saint is part of an army of believers who have the favor of God. Paul had this encouragement for the believers at Ephesus: "For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with ALL THE SAINTS what is the width and length and depth and height-to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:14-19, NKJV)

I must first accept the love of God (not condemnation) before I can be a conduit of His love to others. Then I will be energized to serve Him in these last days. I need the awe-inspiring power of the Holy Spirit to stand up to the spiritual battles I will face daily. I need the discernment of the Holy Spirit to know the truth about my situation, and what action to take every single day. We are funneling down to the end, I truly believe. While things will heat up, the Christian who sees him or herself as an overcoming, blood-bought saint clothed in the favor of God will be victorious. We need to keep our ears peeled for the voice of God, and our hearts consecrated to Him for His use and His alone.

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise, and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up. Therefore, since all these things will be dissolved, what manner of persons ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness, looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be dissolved, being on fire, and the elements will melt with fervent heat? Nevertheless we, according to His promise, look for a new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells. Therefore, beloved, looking forward to these things, be diligent to be found by Him in peace, without spot and blameless; and consider that the longsuffering of our Lord is salvation-as also our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given to him, has written to you, as also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which untaught and unstable people twist to their own destruction, as they do also the rest of the scriptures. You, therefore, beloved, since you know this beforehand, beware lest you also fall from your own steadfastness, being led away with the error of the wicked; but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen." 2 Peter 3:10-18, (NKJV). 

Quick to Speak, Quick to Wound

Two blog posts in one day. This is a first for me. I apologize for doing this to my regular readers (waves to her mom)! I came very close, just this evening, to ending my blog writing altogether. Why, you ask, would I cease to report the mind-bendingly dull drivel that drips through my housewifely brain at the break of every dawn, emergence of every rainbow and every encounter with a baby animal? Why would one move away from such poetic reports that sound in the breast of one whose life is intimately intertwined with Wal-Mart and Publix, with Comet cleaner and Arm and Hammer? Hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy is a fatal flaw in the human heart. Rarely have I encountered a person so noble they bore no trace of it. Even interwoven into the most mature heart are convictions that, while admirable, are at odds with each other. Where my own habits and issues are concerned, however, I am not referring to noble convictions warring for dominance. I am worried about my propensity to criticize others behind their backs. Usually heavily cloaked in humor, such criticism is my personal way of leveling the playing field. Often the victim has hurt me and I want to make myself feel better. It is really that simple. I will snicker to a close friend who I trust not to repeat my snarky remarks. I feel vindicated for a few moments, and then about as dirty as I could ever possibly feel.

I don't feel dirty because I don't realize that nearly all people do this. I have only met a handful of people, even among Christians, who NEVER talk badly about others. I don't feel dirty because I am harboring the illusion that one day I will be so mature that I never fail in this regard. Everyone gets angry or jaded sometimes. Jesus was the only person who did not commit this sin, as He never sinned at all. I feel dirty because, if it were possible to dust off the many layers of worldly, selfish dust that have accumulated on the surface of my heart, to penetrate beyond the grime of years of self-serving behavior, of putting off true spiritual maturity and of holding the Holy Spirit of God at arms length as He sought to cleanse, strengthen and change me, one would find a heart of flesh that, at base, really hungers and thirsts for God, just like the deer panting for streams of water which is spoken of in scripture. Just exactly like that. I am so thankful that He, while accepting me as I am (He died for me, knowing full well that I would be a sinner), expects me to stop all of this nonsense and learn what it means to live holy. Not a good life, merely, but a holy one.  A holy life is marked by changed priorities and by changed speech, too. It is made possible through a relationship with Jesus. It is marked by love, not just for those who are like us or those who love us in return, but by love that doesn't ask for anything in return. It is marked by forgiveness of those who offend us and could not possibly care less that they did. It is marked by humility. This is me, asking you, my friends, to forgive me for not always being the authentic Christian that I desperately want to be.  This is me asking for your prayers and your fellowship so I can learn from you.

Oh, Close Your Eyes Ye of Perfect Everything! Read On at Your Peril....

Those of you with iron discipline, who thrive on routine and live for immaculate living quarters and perfectly ordered days, duck out of this particular blog post now, unless, perchance, you want a peek into how the rest of us think.

A titanic struggle for those in the above-mentioned group would look something like this. Self: "I really should run three miles today because I promised my spouse I would walk hand-in-hand around the park (aimlessly, but who's complaining). I will ... well, I'll go ahead and run five BUT I will not fill out those expense reports ahead of schedule because it is, after all, Sunday."

A titanic struggle for a moody, ADD-riddled writer who HATES to do things in the same order or the same way two times in a row would sound like this. "It's Sunday. I am tired. Do I absolutely HAVE to get up today? Okay, I'm up. Those dishes from breakfast will be just fine until Monday morning. I know I kept the house spotless last week and it was supposed to be the start of something new around here but I am curling up with that book ... WHERE IS MY BOOK? Oh, look what's on T.V.!!! Is the day really gone? Really??? I truly do hate myself."

What's the antidote? Is there one? Well, unless I get a brain transplant, an idea Mel Gibson passed on to his former girlfriend (I know, I know, my sister Mary and I should not have listened to those secret "rant" recordings), I am not sure there is a complete cure on the horizon for me. I have learned to work around some of my weaknesses to arrive at certain destinations that mean the most to me (I just order a new book on my Kindle and read it until the other one falls out of the laundry basket while I am sorting). I am struggling to push my midlife goals down a tube of some organization and written goal-setting with perceptible results. My mantra: PROGRESS IS PROGRESS!

Biggest current goal....learn to hear the voice of the Lord. Not all that easy in the natural but, under the annointing of the Holy Spirit it is do-able. I know that once I have heard His voice, even if all He is asking of me is to be still and worship, the assignment will fit the brain and personality that God has given me. I am very different from many of you. So thankful that God made me, understands me and will use me in spite of my weaknesses, which, after all, will keep me humble if I will let them. If that sounds like me giving me a pass on the sins of laziness and poor self-discipline, it is not. It's just me knowing that Jesus will be patient with me as I become who He wants me to be. And, incidentally, that will NOT be a carbon copy of the perfectly disciplined housewife/professional lady next door!

Learning to Be Still

I opened an account with "Hands On Nashville," a website and organization that coordinates volunteer efforts for many benevolent endeavors citywide, with the idea that my kids would benefit from learning to help others and get some good real-world work experience, too.Teens and adults can log-in to sign up for a variety of activities ranging from cooking a dish for a shelter to helping with clean-up of trails at a local lake, which my oldest son and I did a couple of months ago.

Today, both of my late-night-video-game warriors slept in while I tested the waters at a large thrift store, sorting clothes for three hours. Not sure how well they will do determining if something is baby or young girl clothing, whether a woman's blouse should go to the recycle bin or the keeper stack, but I plan on taking them one Saturday in the future.

I am exhausted! Maybe the person who needs "real world" work experience is me! I took a long nap and now I am rooted to the deck with my coffee. Middle age is not for the faint of heart and, I am told, old age is definitely not for sissies.

If they add enough meaningful activities to their schedules or, as in the case of my oldest child, they get a part-time job this summer, I will allow them to decide whether or not they will continue to volunteer. We are looking for a new church. When we find one, it's possible I will let them center any volunteer work on what we are doing there. In the mean time, we will keep scouring the site, hoping for assignments everyone can agree on.

It occurs to me that the world around us is a veritable ocean of need. Sometimes, however, those needs are less obvious than food and clothing. My world is particularly cushy...I live in a pristine subdivision and my kids go to excellent public schools. I do not work and shop at stores where, as has happened to me in recent years, you can leave your wallet in the grocery buggy and someone turns it in, intact.

My assignment for now is wife and mother. I pray that, as I go about my duties in this capacity, I am open to the ways in which I can be Christ's hands and feet to those in need. If this means a smile for the discouraged or a hug for the heartbroken, may I not find such tasks too humbling to embrace. May I be content where I have been placed.

Solitary Focus

This may sound corny, but I love so many aspects of my life that I never have to look far for inspiration for this, my online journal open to the world. This morning, since school is out, I left my sleeping soon-to-be thirteen and sixteen-year-olds to go on my regular coffee sipping tour of the Williamson County, Tennessee countryside. It was after seven, so I knew I was too late to see many deer (though I did see one little crowd of them). Coming home, I noticed a beautiful bank of trees beginning to show fall color. "OH YEAH!" I thought. Our family is going to Big South Fork Recreation Area during fall break. We've rented a cabin with a stocked pond and, you guessed it, some craft projects (and this laptop) will be going with me!

For some reason, at that point in my little ride-about, I thought about my grandfather. In the last days of his life he was in a lot of pain. He was past ninety and he probably knew he would be seeing his heavenly Father face-to-face soon. My aunt said she overheard him, during this difficult time, praying one morning. "Oh Lord, I love you so much," she heard him begin.

I thought about that this morning, as I have so many other times. In a hard and lonely time, for the passage from this life to the next can feel as solitary as the Sahara, I am sure, all of one's loved ones and acquaintances carrying on as normal all around you as your own time sifts quickly through your hands, my grandfather was just loving on God. Focusing on Him. I want that intimacy so badly. I feel God calling me to it. I pray I will keep on wading out into those deep, deep waters of understanding, never looking back, letting the vagaries of this shape-shifting world fade to black as the ultimate reality, the LOVE OF GOD, envelopes me, changes me, makes me His and His alone. 

Message in a Craft Closet

For months now I have been haunted by the idea of the twenty-something latch hook kits lying dormant in my craft closet. I have added to their number in recent months, enjoying nothing more than a stroll through the halls of the latch hook inventory on ebay after the kids are at school, steaming cup of coffee in my hand. I am actively pursuing my hobby, current work-in-progress is an adorable bear cub climbing an aspen tree, but not at a pace that would justify my continual collection of kits. Just the other day I called a halt to the collecting, at least for the time being. The guilt continued to hang on, however. Last night, just before bed, I was completely absolved of it.

For some reason I decided that I wanted to look at my ice-skating Snoopy kit. It is a 50th anniversary of Peanuts product which I have, at times, toyed with selling. At first I could not find it in the disorganization of my 10' X 11' craft closet. When I did find it, I thrilled to the bright yarn colors, to the cheerful image of Snoopy skating along in winter garb, a line of evergreens behind him. Adorable. While I was in there, I allowed myself to touch my other treasures. I held the bag that houses "Serenity Angel"...staring at the image of the completed rug on the front. I looked at the dimensions and realized that, once I have completed this project using the richly hued yarns peeking through the plastic carrying bag the company sent it in, I will have a very large rug to brighten my bedroom even further. I opened the panda canvas, revealing what will be the image of a soulful, realistic-looking giant panda. It's mostly his beautiful head in a grove of bamboo. Someone has started this one, and I snapped it up on ebay at a bargain price. I have started pulling the yarn out. I wondered if the seller felt the way I do when I use an older kit...a sense of satisfaction that the potential beauty of the completed rug will finally be realized.

While pondering my latch hook treasures, I unfolded the "Country Road" canvas. Though the image is inked onto the material, I never go by that. I use the detailed charts that are included for a beautifully precise, detailed finish. I could see that I had gotten a good start on this one. I remember the day it came in the mail. Rich in fall hues and heart-warming with details of cottages and a country church, this one will be gorgeous in front of my fireplace on a chilly fall day. I could see this in my mind's eye. Before leaving my closet full of dreams, I spied my "Blueberry Bears" kit. No longer in production (as is the case with many of my kits), this one features a beautiful mother bear and cub surrounded by blueberries. I already know where it will hang. When it first appeared on ebay, the box looked tattered and the seller had given a very strange, half-done description. I truly thought I was throwing my money away, until the day when it appeared on my doorstep. When I realized that it was all there, my heart leapt for joy as this will be a beautiful addition to my bonus room walls, as I have plans to make that large, open space an upstairs den.

I know why I love latch hook. I love nature, and natural themes abound in the many designs. I also love color. I love the texture of yarn. Finally, I love the cozy feeling of a rug. Last, but not least, I find it therapeutic to work a craft that is, as long as you follow the pattern, pretty much "no-fail."

Last night's experience was very sweet for me. For days now I have felt stupid and guilty for having all of that potential beauty (and fun) piling up in my closet. After last night, I know that I will eventually do them all. My guilt turned to thankfulness that I have found a hobby I enjoy so much and that I have been able to get so many beautiful kits, making every single change of project transition so much fun! I found it quite easy to see a metaphor for life in my experience last night. In every single human being there is unspeakable beauty, talent, emotion, heart. It takes the love of God to draw it all out. I hope that I will continue to cooperate with God to draw out all of my potential as a human being. Not just my abilities, which are fun to discover, but my heart. The love that He wants me to show, the joy He wants me to experience. The beauty He wants me to appreciate.

The Stream of the Spirit

Life is so hard. In between the victorious moments lies a whole heapin' helpin' of "get-along-Sally"!!!! By that I mean loads and loads and loads (and loads) of doldrums. Ditches of obligation and mind-bendingly dull duty. Whew. That's where my immature heart usually faints. I had set out in life to pursue a fulfilling career doing what I love (journalism). I made a hard right turn into motherhood. Now I am out in the wide-open meadows of opportunity again, my children pretty self-sufficienct. I have hours and hours of potential writing time on my hands. I also, like all of the rest of you, have hours and hours of chore time. Even my writing looms before me like Mt. Everest and I feel like a climber with no ropes at times. Just my hands and nubby fingernails.

What to do? Well, what I like to do is intersperse a lot of fun/intellectually stimulating (read: good books) into the mix. A toilet-scrubbing here, a chapter there. A PRAYER BEGGING FOR HELP EVERYWHERE! 

Somewhere along the line of this middle-aged epiphany process I began to realize that my time on earth is a precious commodity slipping madly through my fingers every day. Yesterday in church (we are visiting one and not plugged in at all) I felt the fingers of despair clutching at my heart. "What have I done with my life?" The pastor was talking about a recent trip to Haiti, showing photos of people working with special needs kids. "Everyone else has made something meaningful of their time," I lamented inwardly. "What have I done?"

I realized pretty quickly that I cannot force purpose into my life. God opens doors, and He shuts some, too. It's fine to pry them back open, but be ready for some interesting results. The best you can hope for is some sort of lukewarm swim, water brackish with the detritus of other people's purpose washing over you. So my job is to wait patiently before the Lord, doing what is at hand, what I know to do today. Might be one of the hardest tasks out there. Just waiting. 

But for the Christian, waiting is active, too. While we are waiting we are commanded to worship God, to bathe ourselves in the Word, to pray without ceasing, and to love others that He brings into our orbit. To do the good that is right before us, regardless of how humble the task, how obscure we feel in doing it. I remember once, in a time of tremendous spiritual growth many, many years ago, telling the Lord (and myself) that if all He wanted of me was for me to do nothing but stand still I would do that, and with a heart that was emptied of self before Him, continually shedding who I am and taking on who He wants me to be. Those who know me are probably thinking "WHOA! She is a long way from that!" That's okay. It's time for me to live for an audience of one, as the popular Christian song repeats. If, while I am standing still, I am daily, hourly, minute-by-minute re-submitting my entire being to Christ as His, I am doing enough in God's eyes. I will hear His voice, because He promises me in scripture that I will.

The Christian who waits on the Lord is like someone who waded into a glorious, rushing mountain stream on a desperately hot day. The water rises to a comfortable level around them and they are refreshed. Their senses are heightened, and they are in love with their surroundings. It is, indeed, an active waiting.

Today is What I Make It!

Today is rainy! Today is overcast! Today is COLD! Today I will rejoice. I am so happy that I can spend time with God in prayer, talking over my concerns, listening for His voice. I can look for opportunities to help others in real and tangible ways. I think I will sign up for some volunteer spots through Hands On Nashville, and get our clothes ready in advance for church tomorrow so that we do not have an excuse not to make it. It's hard to visit a new church. Really hard! I find that without a church to attend, however, I just don't make connections with other Christians. I don't know about all of the opportunities to serve God by loving others and working to meet their needs. I feel too much of my time in recent years has been spent thinking of my own needs and wants, and serving those. Time to turn the tables. I love helping others. Hopefully this will help me to break an endless cycle I have been on of holing up in my home, avoiding the hurt that inevitably comes with associating with others, offering up one's talents, time and heart to them. There is, however, no reward without risk.

Today's blog post comes to you with absolutely no "suggestions" for your own behavior! Just a rambling list of things I am going to do to make this day meaningful. I have a list of goals for the month of October, and, in true "Laurie" fashion (procrastinator extraordinaire) I have put off starting work toward most of them. Today I will launch a few in grand fashion (of course a nap WILL be worked in among the chaos). One of these involves the Christian novel I am writing. Almost every day I pray for direction in my writing.

At some point today, I will pull out my cross stitch and latch hook projects. There is a place for the serenity and beauty they bring to my life. I hope (and I trust) that the rest of you will enjoy your day in the light of God's love for you and His concern that your life be infused with power and with meaning.

I Create, Therefore I Am...JOYOUS!

I love blank journals. Any time I am in a book or hobby store and pass along the blank books aisle, a delicious thrill runs through me. Yes, I blog on the computer, recording my thoughts digitally. Still, the IDEA of a beautiful blank book entices me because of the creative possibilities it conjures. I think of all the thoughts, insights, stories and poems people pour into those books. More importantly, the image of a blank book reminds me of the vast well of emotion and creativity God has stored away in each unique human being that he has created. If we were to plumb the depths of every person, even the most stoic, numbers-oriented accountant with a spreadsheet for every life activity, there would be insight, creativity, personality, and HUMANITY! God made humans for his enjoyment, and to enjoy fellowship with Him. Look at His world. Such artistry and creativity, spanning every aspect of existence from atomic science to the beauty of a sunrise screams that God is, and that He is brilliantly creative. I believe He enjoys the creative works of the minds and hands He gave us, in the same manner a mother cherishes the chalk drawings of a small child.

Creativity makes me excited, happy, energized. I love to read the papers and stories of school-aged kids. They frequently bring me to tears. Kids, even those in high school, are still in touch with that part of them that is willing and able to share with the rest of us. Sometimes I find a thread of the divine imprint even in those papers my middle-schooler has grudgingly churned out with an impatient "let's-follow-the-rubric-and-get-this-over-with" attitude. I trace the mind of God, that He shared with us when He made us in His image! What a joy!!

Did you know that you are digging into your creative genetics (passed down from your heavenly Father) when you plant flowers? You are designing a little piece of art for your yard! When you follow a pattern for a sewing project, you are borrowing a bit from someone else's talent but, in the bitter end, it is your perserverence that brings a new piece of art into this world. You are creating. As the final project takes shape, that part of you that is just like your heavenly Father exults that your hands have wrought this!

So much of life involves routine. We wash the dishes. We gas up the car. We fill out expense reports. CARVE some creativity into your week. Put some into every single day, if at all possible. You will find a well of fulfillment springing up in you that will make all of the "have-tos" of your existence so much more bearable. You may even find some joy in them as well, because once they are done well, you will have your creative pursuits to return to again and again. Reward yourself with the creative humanity your Father hard-wired into you! Then give Jesus the glory for it!

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

It is a beautiful afternoon to be alive. Yes, it is overcast. But there is a fresh chill in the air signaling the end of the oppressive heat of summer and the onset of the glorious color and refreshing temperatures of fall. "But winter is right around the corner," you might be thinking. Yeah, it is.

So are cozy fires, mugs of steaming hot chocolate, holiday gifts exchanged with loved ones and the fun of snuggling into a warm bed after a full day of getting into and out of the car in the freezing cold. Every season has its joys. Today I renewed a decision I make every so often. Instead of focusing on the negative in dealing with life's many challenges, I'm going to focus on solutions. When a particular situation seems to have no solution, or there is nothing proactive I can do to help it along, I will hand it over to the Lord in prayer and turn my attention to the next thing that I can do to solve something else. Maybe, in that moment, after turning it over to the Lord, I'll just plain focus on something great, something He is doing in my life that only He can do. Maybe I'll just focus on Him.

He knew what He was doing when He gave us these instructions: "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things." (Philippians 4:8, NKJV) (THERE GOES THE EVENING NEWS!)

Have you ever noticed that when you get good news, it feels like you just got a B12 shot or maybe had a nagging virus exit your body? You feel invigorated physically! That's another scriptural principle. "As cold water to a weary soul, so is good news from a far country," (Psalm 25:25, NKJV) Open your Bible. There is plenty of good news for you there! And guess what? Though you may be in a season of challenges, know this: YOU WERE NOT CREATED FOR DEFEAT!!!! God has victory in store for you, right here on this earth. "'Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you,'" Jesus said to the demon-possessed man who had lived among the tombs until Jesus set him free. The book of Hebrews says that Jesus has never changed. What he did for that man, he will do for you, and more.

Hidey Hut Blisters

I fully realize that I have worn out my little cache of loyal readers (waves at her mother) with metaphors found in nature. I am so sorry but....well, you know what is coming next. I opened the lid of my rabbit hutch yesterday afternoon to spy what was, to me, an hilarious image. Little Hershey, my lionhead rabbit who is not so little anymore, was resting inside his edible hideaway (fake hollowed-out log). The only problem is, the "hideaway" was never that long in the first place and Hershey has done a number on both ends with his teeth. So the only thing the log was hiding was his mid-section. He was determined to make it work. The end result is that he looked like he was wearing a barrel. It did not phase him. He was chill with it.

Reminded me so much of so many of us! God has created us for a large life, and we are determined to fit  our tremendous potential into a hidey hut from Pet Supermarket. He has the deluxe bunny condo in mind, or for that matter, endless acres of clover, but we'll take our hidey hut with gnawed ends, thank you very much. It's not all that comfortable and there's not a glamorous or fulfilling moment, but it's safe and it's right here so, here we go (squish, squeeze, snooze).

Take a hack saw to your hidey hut today. Toss it in the trash. Get down on your knees and invite the Holy Spirit to have His way in your life. Then, in His strength and by the courage that He gives you moment by moment, do what you hear Him saying to you. Be led by God's spirit, not by your whims, your fears, or your past failures. Life in the Spirit, and by default in your true calling, does not happen by accident. Use a journal in your quiet time with God to record what you hear Him saying. He is speaking! He wants a life for you that is beyond what you can live on your own strength and in your own wisdom.

Love you all.

Every Day Starts at a Crossroads; Life in Christ or Death in Unbelief

There are two images crowding my mind this morning. One is of a beautiful, thin, blonde twenty-five-year-old girl begging a man more than thirty years her senior to come and see her. She is hunched over and hung over.   The other image is of two fawns, only a few yards away from my open car window, peering at me in curiosity, then lifting their heads and bobbing them a bit to catch my scent and make sense of it. One, an image of waste and despair, the other the wonder of young life and vitality.

The first image is from a television series called "Intervention." While fascinating to watch, this program, which follows addicts through their daily life and into a confrontation with their loved ones during which they must choose leaving for treatment or being shut out of the family, is extremely sad. It leaves you heavy-hearted. It is laced with the weight of years of waste. Waste of potential, certainly, but, more importantly, waste of the joy of life and richness of relationships.

The second image is taken from something I experienced just yesterday at dusk. Gary and I were out at a state park. We drove by campsites bordering a farm. Suddenly we spied, in a field full of horses,  a herd of deer, grazing in two separate groups. We needed binoculars at first. Eventually, the groups came together and began inching closer to us. Suddenly, the two smallest, fawns with legs beginning to stretch out like pre-teens yet still sporting their white spots, saw us and began trotting toward our truck. I almost held my breath as they came onward. One was a bit braver than the other. He or she came within a few yards of us, ears pricked and eyes wide with curiosity. I wanted to hold my breath as the delicate creature, desirous of making out just what that was in that big red thing, tipped a bit closer and, when we thought it would not move closer, just a bit more. Eventually, the fawn saw that the herd was moving on without it and sprung off toward them. We turned around and headed down another road, scattering a huge flock of wild turkeys as we moseyed along. The freshness and purity of the encounter with the fawn fed my soul as we headed back into the world of laundry, homework oversight, and other "responsible" pursuits.

Back to the contrasting image of the young girl, her life also ahead of her, much like the lanky fawn. Instead of sprinting away into the rich, fulfilling destiny God had planned for her, she had stalled out in the trenches of life. After emotional body blows that left her winded, she reached for alcohol, which left her empty, a shell of human being who, though beautiful, talented and intelligent, was willing to sell herself for liquor money. As I watched more than one episode of this show back to back, I realized why I was flinching with each tale. I saw myself, in a sense. No, I don't use alcohol or drugs. However, I, like so many other Christians, HAVE allowed lack of faith, fear, depression and other "goodies" from Satan's bag of tricks to limit my potential, and take a hatchet to the life I am building in Christ. I have allowed other "escapes" such as excessive internet use, to keep me from pursuing the fulfilling life of purpose marked out for me. I have let other voices, including those of temporary pleasures and meaningless time-wasting pursuits, drown the voice of the Holy Spirit, who has not come into my life to take anything away, but to give me everything! He has a perfect plan for my life, and boring, unfulfilling, or deprived it is not!!! I made a further resolve to quiet myself for some time every single day so that I can hear Him. I have asked Him to give me the strength and courage to do what He reveals to me is His plan for my life. Now all I have to do is buckle my seatbelt and get ready for the ride to end all rides!