He Has Supplied

When I first started to write this blog, I imagined getting my feelings out. I had just had a miscarriage at the age of forty-two. I was desolate. Today, I am crying out to God for help and comfort yet again.

I am forty-six. Well past my prime. I have made choices not to pursue things that might have had a fulfilling bent in my life. Some of those choices will have permanent consequences. I feared failure and I feared success and I feared both simultaneously, the two fears linked like hearts entwined. I am struggling with this. I am also struggling with the idea that many of the things I did pursue wholeheartedly have the stench of failure on them.

I do believe that God knew I would make the choices I have made, and yet He has not taken me home to heaven. That communicates to me that there is still something for me to do on this earth, no matter how humble. 

I am humbled. I set out to chart my own path. I wanted to throw career to the side, just enjoy myself in a stress-free housewife manner. Turns out that was probably not the right thing to do, because now I feel hollow and useless. My brain is so stressed that the gifts I imagine I had don't seem to be operating freely anymore. I used to speed-read. Whole paragraphs gulped and understood in an instant. Now I read the same sentence more than once, the little telegraph machine in my head beating out a rudimentary understanding of the words and phrases, barely hanging onto their meaning, the ink getting fainter and fainter on the tape. Tears pour from my eyes all day long. Every single day.

I do not believe that God has let me down. He cannot do that. He has never done that. He was waiting patiently for me to run down to the end of my little disobedient schemes, to eat the bitter fruit of them until I wretched violently....to wretch violently until I was dehydrated spiritually to the point of death. Then, (now) at the point of death, He is watching to see if I am ready to listen and obey. Obedience should be easy. Trust should be easy. After all, God has shown himself very strong in my behalf. What I have discovered is that I have operated for so long out of a stronghold of fear, that I have to literally let God reprogram my brain. Nothing short of that. All of my instincts and actions have to do with fear. All of my reclusive, non-risk-taking behaviors spring from that dark fountain. Jesus, on the other hand, has a life-giving fountain of strength and purity, of joy and ability, of power and of ease through the Holy Spirit. The challenge for me today is how much of that life will I allow to recharge my heart and set my feet moving again? I have slept for so many years, for so much of my life. I have been dead to my own abilities, to the call of God on my life. I have hidden from Him like Adam and Eve did in the garden, all while begging for his mercy and help, which He has supplied.

Hiding Place

Is it okay to admit that you are tired? Some problems that persist just suck the life out of us. Just wear us down until we have little hope of a fix. That's where I am with a couple three issues that have me tiptoeing around the edges of complete heart-shattered status.

What happens when you reach the end of yourself? Is that a good or a bad place to be? I don't know. Today, I took one of my walks. I will admit to you, walking bores the snot out of me. I want to jog, but I have a knee that acts up if I do. I walked into a neighborhood full of brand-spanking-new, multi-million-dollar homes. They had a couple of swans down by the clubhouse pond. It looked like maybe a wedding reception had taken place over the weekend by the looks of the big white tent with fancy folding chairs under it.

Coming back into my own neighborhood, I heard some wind chimes singing lightly from someone's back patio area. I thought about what it was like to be a child all those many years ago. About what it was like when my oldest son was very young and still carefree. When we laughed and felt hopeful about so many things.

Hope can be elusive. It darts like a butterfly at times, just out of reach, but still in our sphere of existence. Other times it lights unexpectedly upon us in the form of good news.

I think it was Billy Graham who wrote a book called "The Reason for My Hope." I'm sure he was talking about Jesus. I have been looking at my pretty, pink-and-brown NLT Bible for several days now, wondering what it would be like if I spent more time reading it. Maybe that's what I'll do for the next little while. I know I can pray and be at peace, no matter what comes, because God is with me. I can pray about all of my cares, big and small, while being okay with the outcomes because God will be with me all of the way. The knowledge that I will never be alone is like a rock-solid castle that I can hide inside.

Heart Check-Up

I have had a week of broken fellowship with God. We all know He is not the one who moved, as the old saying goes.

Periods like this always start this way:  I encounter a few difficulties which leave me wondering what to do. I feel frustrated. I lose sleep. Then a close friend or family member says something hurtful to the sleep-deprived, frustrated me. I lose it, venting to a trusted friend. The "losing it" becomes a landslide. Every time the person who offended me comes up in conversation (which is often, because I will harp on the offenses), I talk about them in a spite-filled way which shocks even me. Out of a very deep well of hurt, anger and frustration come terrible words that should never be in a Christian's mouth. 

Somewhere in this cycle, I pray for forgiveness out of purely selfish motives. How will I ever be successful in any way in life without God's favor and grace? Down to my knees I go in stark terror. How will I ever face the steep challenges in my life, have the courage to even get out of bed unless I know God is with me? Down to my knees I go in fear. Within the same day, at times, I am back on the venting machine, though venting is a sanitized way of putting "spewing vitriol"....

At some point in the last week, I wanted to tell my friend I was dumping all of this garbage on that this is not the real me. Then I was brought up short by the reality that yes, it is the real me. It most certainly is. The Bible even speaks to this. "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." (Luke 6:45, NLT)

It reveals to me, as well it should, that my heart is in serious need of change. I have been a Christian since I was four years old. While I wasn't born yesterday, and certainly see and understand that all Christians have the fallen nature and sin, I simply don't believe I should, at my age and with the number of years I have under my belt as a believer, be as immature in my spiritual walk as I am. I know that there are Christians who have a better developed ability to love in all situations than I do. I am quick to get angry and to stay there, stewing in my own venom. It is poisonous to my spirit and chokes out anything good that I want to do.

Every time I see that I am seriously compromising what I know to be the truth (that love forms the basis of all Christian teaching/action/thought and that without it I am just following empty religious forms), I make some attempt to take a hard turn, That's what I am doing today. I am taking a two-week break from constant use of social media. During that time I will be quiet some, since I am living in a new place and don't have any friends yet. I am going to pray for clarity as to how to get closer to God during this time. I am going to pray for strength in the storms of my life. I am going to pray for improved sleep and for the ability to handle the days when I have not had much sleep. 

Pray for me!

Oceans of Emotions

I am being taken to school, so to speak, on the topic of emotions. What I feel like doesn't necessarily translate into what I AM like. If this sounds circuitous to you, imagine how it is coming across to me, sitting here with too much lunch around my girth and my second cup of coffee in my hand, bathing in some negative emotions and hoping that I have, well, simply not encountered enough people today to totally dishonor the Lord.

I am turning forty-six this week. That doesn't feel too good. If you send me an inbox message that "it beats the alternative" I will unfriend you. Just kidding. Sort of.

Back to my central theme today. If I feel unspiritual, that does not mean that God has left me. That does not mean that I am cut off. If I feel out of sync with the Holy Spirit, that does not mean that He is not speaking to me, cannot get through my fog to me. I just have to keep showing up in my study and waiting for Him. Just have to keep making myself available. If I FEEL like a useless, boring housewife, I am probably not one. They would not know they were boring and, I guarantee you, would be bent over a baseboard scrubbing with a toothbrush or making a homemade birthday cake, floured up to their eyeballs. They would not be reading this blog and, if they did, "that's stupid" might fly through their curtains-carpet-recipe-laden mind as they quickly clicked away to take a "What Kind of Spider Are You" internet test.

But I, again, digress. As I sat down to pray, my mind was like a ping pong pall in a room full of two-year-olds playing with kittens. Then it hit me: I DON'T HAVE TO PRAY HIGHLY ARTICULATE, ALL-BASES-COVERED PRAYERS EVERY SINGLE TIME I PRAY. I don't have to shout at the devil every time (though sometimes it might be justified). I can just say a few things. I can turn my heart to heaven. I can go on with my day.

Some days we will just plain be uninspired, from an emotional standpoint. Other days, we will be flat-out led astray by our emotions, if we allow them to jerk us into the wrong actions or away from the right actions. This is why knowing that God is right at hand and will help us to finish our tasks every day is so vital to me. I will just keep praying that God will show me how to spend my days, then give me the strength to do what He showed me to do. Some days it will be fun. Other days, like today, my body will feel like dead weight under my lack of excitement. Somewhere under all of that flesh, the Holy Spirit lives. He doesn't leave. He WILL help me.

One day as I either worked on a latch hook rug or flitted about the house, I overheard Dr. Charles Stanley say "This thing of emotions is a big deal." Ummmm, darn tootin'. I think I laughed out loud when he said it, though he was dead serious. Another time I heard Billy Graham say during an interview, or perhaps I read it somewhere, that there were times the weakness in his body, under the pressures of old age and illness, made him want to refrain from his duties as an evangelist. However, God always came through for him, giving him the power he needed to preach.

Two things I can rely on, if I am willing to follow the Lord and don't shrink back from fear of the responsibilities He will give me: He WILL speak to me in ways that I can clearly understand, marking out the way for me to go. He will also supply all of the resources, including the emotional and physical strength I need for the tasks He has called me to. 

Knowing Jesus is My Highest Goal

Had a couple of down-in-the-dirt days during which I asked myself if I really have to keep praying for certain things. Well...yep. I do.

During those couple of days, yesterday especially, I felt so disconnected from the Lord, after having had such a revival of spirit in recent weeks due to really confessing the truths of the Word and letting them wash over my mind.

Complete submission to the Lord is challenging, but it is do-able. It is ONLY do-able through the power of the Holy Spirit. That's a  pretty good deal. Come to the Lord, ask for HIS power to do the right thing, then receive all of Him in exchange for my tattered, earth-worn self! Can't beat that deal.

What I have found in my quest to go deeper in the Lord is that my desire to seek and find Him needs to be greater than my desire for the amazing side benefit of having my prayers answered and enjoying incredible favor, blessing and protection. At first it was enough that the scales fell from my eyes and I was able to see that I could confess good things and have God help me with them. Then the distance came in between us and I believe it was because I was not still seeking as diligently, maybe focusing too heavily on the blessings, which are not bad things, they are just SIDE BENEFITS. I guess I was giddy with the joy of being instructed to believe for good things and I lost sight of the fact that the greatest benefit to sold-out Christianity is intimacy with Christ himself.

Today will be a better day than yesterday was! It did not start out that way, but it will end that way. I will put one foot in front of the other with my goal absolute, unfettered fellowship with Jesus. I will pray boldly for all the other stuff along the way because now that God has given me my hope back, I am not letting Satan snatch it with religious recrimination. It looks ridiculous in his sorry mouth.

God, My Father

How many of you realize that God is in all truly good things that touch a believer's life? Amen?

My dog is so loyal that, I noticed yesterday, when I went into the kitchen to use the computer, he followed me and laid out on his side on the tile floor for a nap, underneath the table where I had my computer propped. How comfy was that? Probably not very. For years, every time I take a nap on the weekend (and buddy, you better believe that's often), if I absentmindedly shut him out of the room, he will lay across the bottom of the shut door, on the outside of the room, patiently waiting for mommy. A few times recently I have sent him on up to our bedroom after Gary has gone to bed to "take a nap" (that's Charliespeak for time to lay by Laurie's bed for awhile). I nearly tripped over him going in to go to sleep later because he was laying by the door, waiting for me. He could not get to me, so he did the next best thing. He flanked the door that led to me. In all of creation, next to human beings of course, it's tough to find any living thing that approaches a dog for loyalty and selfless love. Charlie has an entire family that loves and is devoted to him. We have yet to figure out why or how he senses that he is my dog (he was a gift to me eleven years ago). God just decided to make him that way, to give him to me as a tangible reminder of His love for me.

Charlie, though a wonderful example, is just one of many expressions of love, just one of many precious gifts God has given me over the forty-plus years I have walked this broken sod. I was reminded of him because he is, OF COURSE, right here in my study at my feet.

Sometimes, in the heat of battle, I take my eyes off of Jesus, who the Bible says is the "author and finisher of our faith." I forget that I am not to fight the battle, but only need to be still, as God told Joshua. I will be most victorious when I am only looking at Jesus, only basking in His perfect love and understanding that He has his arms of protection around all that matters most to me. If I focus on what He is doing, rather than what my enemy is threatening, the battle will be won, and won handily. He said this to Joshua, that mighty warrior: "For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you." (Joshua 1:5b, NLT)

My friend Emmanuel Chekwa once told me, when I was looking for a job, that I should be filled with  "joyful expectation." That phrase has never left me. I pull it out often and I have quoted it to others. When we have a need, we should excitedly look to see what our Father is going to do! He takes EXCELLENT care of His children.

Of Blue Diamonds and Other Not-So-Hidden Treasures

A crew of CBS News anchors giddily surveying a rare blue diamond worth tens of millions of dollars caught my interest this morning. My coffee was cold and my day was off to a typical ADD start. Call this person, look for a hummingbird on my new feeder (none yet), wonder if I will get around to exercising, wonder if I can get Jonathan to hike with us this weekend. Look out window yet again. It was an aimless start. But not for God.

He is remarkably consistent at rolling up the night sky and tucking away the stars. He ceaselessly dispatches those ocean waves to shore. He sends the worms wiggling up to daylight so all of his beautiful birds can have a nice breakfast. He also, apparently, in all of his fascinating mystery, tucks blue diamonds here and there in the earth and then, because of his generous nature, allows people to dig them out. He showed us how to cut and polish them so that they, in the end, become something breathtaking, like the blue gemstone the woman from the South African mining company had on display this morning, reflecting light in a brilliant way from the velvety black background she held it on. She apparently knew her stuff. The woman gushed in an engaging South African accent, extolling the virtues of this rare blue diamond. I have to admit, I liked it. It was very, very pretty.

When people see things like that, I wonder, doesn't it take more work over the course of a thinking person's lifetime to NOT believe in a creator? Next question: how could one not fall deeply, madly in love with a being so outrageously creative, endlessly intelligent, crazily wise, Someone in whose hand is the turn of the seasons, the breath of all creation, the love between a mother and a child, the heart of a doe for her fawn. Someone who sets leaders of imperial nations on thrones, charts the course of history, diverts hurricanes, manages the storehouses of snow in the heavens (this is directly referenced in the Bible) and YET takes time to see each one of us, to communicate with us personally, to love us uniquely and individually and to reach out to us one by one????? I am all about my Father today! Make it my heart's cry every single day, Lord! You are SO EASY TO LOVE!!!!

Wobbly but Upright! (Well, most of the time, anyway!)

I hope that I have not, as I have embarked on regular blogging again, given anyone the impression that I have got it together or anything. I still struggle to keep peace in some of my key relationships, I still worry way too much, I still walk in fear when I should be stepping out in faith and swimming in the peace of God. I still struggle with gossip, critical speech and profanity, though prayer and drawing closer to God have had the natural effect, over the last couple of weeks, of washing some of that out to sea. This is refreshing! Every single time I post here, I am writing to remind MYSELF of things God is teaching me. I want a record I can refer to in the future, when fear and worry attack without warning. Of course I want to encourage others if I can. I want God to use me if He will. I just want you all to know that I am preaching first and foremost to my own sinful nature EVERY TIME I POST!

In short, I am still a red hot mess. The key difference is that when I wobble and topple over, in the last couple of weeks I am doing better about grabbing a handlebar of scripture (I have several that I confess every day RIGHT OUT LOUD) and getting back up. I cut my panicky episodes short by determining to listen to God's comfort, which is always right in my ear. Today I listened to a sermon a friend sent me (thanks Michele) and put on the beautiful comfort of the knowledge that this life is about showing God that we are his, that we love him, that he deserves our all, that we lay it all down for him. Sometimes that kind of redirect is even more comforting than all of the promises of protection, deliverance and provision (which I still believe, by the way, CHAPTER AND VERSE)!

Yes, I will still pray about EVERYTHING. Yes, I will still stand in faith (as God graciously hands it to me as a gift) for the answers to all of my needs and my children's needs. But I will look steadfastly to Christ and to the job He has allowed me to have on this earth of answering HIS call to serve Him and give my all to him. When I am waiting for the manifestation of the answers to my prayers I can remember that the hope of heaven NEVER wavers. I am going there and I am going to enjoy the fellowship of the God of heaven in the mean time on this broken old earth, right in the midst of the warfare that is a part of the Christian life.

I never want to give the impression that I am a super-charged warrior riding a wave of victory. No, I am a Christian wife and mother wending her way through some crazy challenges that sometimes overwhelm her like ocean waves during a hurricane. Sometimes I fall completely apart! I am learning that that is okay, too. As long as I don't STAY down. I am getting stronger, getting to a better place with the Lord. Learning to lean on Him. My faith muscles ARE growing! It will take me awhile. I have to learn to be patient.

Coffee on the Screened Porch

Today, though very hot, is brilliantly sunny here in Knoxville. I went out for a walk through the neighborhood and took time to notice a couple of things. Someone had a tree filled with pink berries which were spilling onto the sidewalk. I took note of how beautifully the pink of the berries lay against the soft green of the leaves. This particular house has a lush, well-kept landscape. Once when I walked past, I saw the homeowner on her knees working hard at something in her pretty yard. Today when I passed I remembered something I heard on a Christian radio show this week..."Perfection is not possible, but excellence is." So true.

A little path leads from our neighborhood pool along the back of the neighborhood. It eventually hooks to the walking path beside a busy road. Before you hit the road, you walk next to a quiet stream. I saw a few small golden leaves escape their tree and aimlessly meander to the ground. Fall, with all its majestic glory in the Smokies, is on its way. I will buy a  little outdoor fire bowl and roast marshmallows this year. I am sure I will hike in the mountains.

The little joys in life have always held a particular solace for me. I revel in them! I remember the thrill of a new set of jacks on a summer day. Other kids might have been honing their chess skills, but, no matter, I was clumsily collecting those jacks between ball bounces on the driveway. While other kids may have been reading the adult classics, preparing for an Ivy League education, I was munching on "Nancy Drew," on those long, languid Saturdays before the internet. I held my breath when danger was near, and worked to solve the puzzle in my head before the book bore it out. I would not change a thing about my propensity to be very, very ordinary, and to hug those innocent joys to my heart all of the time.

I continue to carve out time to wallow in the basics of life. When I can't I get antsy for the opportunity. I hear the tinkling of fairy bells in my head when I finish a latch hook rug. It's magical to me that an image that was on paper is now on my canvas and, had I not taken the time to fasten all  of the yarn in, that image would never have appeared. I got really excited when I took a kit that had moldered in someone's attic for decades, applied my time and effort and there emerged a mama bear and her cub hiding in a blueberry alcove.

 I guess I probably enjoy animals so much because they represent the magic of God's creation in great diversity. When my little rabbit stands on his hind legs, he is instantly forgiven for only coming close enough to tantalize me before scurrying away. Watching my calico cat sleep, her tiny pink triangle of a nose motionless, her interesting patches of orange and gray tabby at rest makes my blood pressure lower instantly. I can imagine that when she was born, the one white leg with the oval of black and gray tabby was a pleasure to her Creator.

I am not saying I don't enjoy a symphony, or a wonderful meal at a nice restaurant. However, on the whole I am quite enamored of the simple things. You can have your champagne and caviar. I will enjoy my coffee on the screened porch.

Camping in The Lush, Green Forest of TODAY!

Anyone who knows me knows that I pray for and struggle to keep the victory in the arena of self-discipline. I hesitate to label myself outright lazy (though I probably could) as I have been known to work outrageous hours and put forth crazy effort toward things I enjoy (scrapbooking, rug-hooking, memory-making with my kids when they were small). When I was in school, my minimum standard for writing assignments was akin to other people's top standard. I was still lazy, though, when you consider that I never really did give those assignments my all because I knew I would get an "A" with my minimum standard. Okay, I've answered my own question. I am lazy.

This is quite possibly the longest introduction to a blog topic the internet has seen. This is not a blog post about laziness. Not directly, at least. I have already turned off half of my reading audience as my FB friends, while a varied group, are not a lazy bunch. Stick with me. You will relate, I guarantee.

As part of my initiative to position myself in God's will for the rest of my life, I have mapped out some goals. I organized a binder and I made some lists. Right out of the gate I find that it will be tough to do each day what I feel I need to do to meet my own goals while serving my family. Now I know how my husband feels coming into parenting and household issues after a full day at work. Last night I could not wind down because my mind was spinning in a million directions with regard to ways to help my kids map and reach some goals in a timely manner while managing my home and accomplishing some things for myself. I had done what I could all day, and it just did not feel like enough to make it to all of the finish lines in my head.

Today, though, while spending some time with the Lord, I was reminded of a simple truth. (Seems like all real, solid truths ARE simple...we would never be able to remember them otherwise.) God never intended for us to live in the future. Here is my proof: "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34, NIV. This does not mean do not work toward a future. This does not mean do not plan. This means DO NOT WORRY.

I caught a vision of myself in a tent in the forest. One of the lush, green, still forests of the Smokies. I can now see myself pottering around the campsite, stoking the fire, making instant coffee (tying the food up so bears won't get it). This is how I would like to treat all of my TODAYS. I want to camp in them. Enjoy them. Stay put in them. If I would but get up, pray over the day, make my list of things to do and people to see, and then set out to conquer JUST TODAY'S LIST, I would find a peace that comes from doing one's best. The unplug time while the family is at work and at school and then again at reading time before bed would be restful and, oh I don't know, FUN even!

Friends, camp out in the beauty of today. Tomorrow might not even come. Why waste a minute of joy on it?

Prayer Leads to Positivity!!!

When we are tired, there is an extra temptation to step out of God's will and sit on the sidelines. Sometimes this might be an indication we need a break of some kind. Maybe a nap. If you can't do the nap, wait until after work and just lie down. Turn off the T.V. Rest. Recharge. Plan a small getaway to a friend's house in another city. Ask God to help you to know when it is time for a mini-vacay. Those things are not cop-outs, nor are they unspiritual acts that mean you are an unfocused, uncommitted person. They are the time-outs that save us! They keep us on track!

Every single day of my life, it seems, I cry out to God for help with something. Usually that something is the self-discipline I need to get everything done. Often it is just some encouragement. Lately, I ask Him often to turn my heart back toward home. Heaven is my true home. I need God every hour to keep my mind off of this world and its emptiness. Some days I just plain wake up uninspired. It is so good to know that we don't HAVE to be at the mercy of our feelings. God can transcend them and give us a good, fruitful day anyway.

I have the tendency to obsess, in an all-or-nothing manner, about the things in life that just do not matter much. Today I was thinking about what a drain this habit is on my spiritual destiny, on my relationships. There is no good reason, I have decided, to dwell on anything negative. If there is something negative that must be dealt with, God will show me what I need to do about it. He will also lead me to pray about it. If I am neither praying nor doing anything proactive, what good could it possibly do me to think about it? Praying about the things that trouble us truly turn them around. If, for instance, I am upset that the dog has to go to the vet, instead of obsessing about what might be wrong with him I might say this: "Father, I thank you that you care for my dog because you made him. Flood him with your healing power. Bless my dog, and, while you are at it, bless my cats and my rabbit too! Let my home be awash in your favor." The situation is turned around. I am no longer upset, I am faith-filled, I am expecting my Father to come through for me and for things to be better in the future than they are now. Here are some scriptures to back me up this overcast Monday morning (the start of a week pregnant with possibilities to enjoy serving the Lord):

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil. 4:6 (NIV)

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
Phil. 4:8 (NIV)

An Utterly Defeated Foe

A wave of spiritual opposition smashed into me last night, after a wonderful day of communication with and from the Lord. Why does that always take me utterly by surprise?

Today I struggled to focus on Him, to listen to His voice of encouragement and truth. It has dawned on me, little by precious little, over the last couple of days, that I have been in agreement with the enemy of my soul rather than with the unchanging word of God. The last year was filled with deep disappointment and pain. It was awash with grief and what felt like permanent losses. At times is seemed as if I walked barefoot through the shards of my broken dreams. God has reminded me, yet again today in the wake of last night's battles for my mind and my spirit, that He has the last word and the word He has spoken over my life and the lives of my loved ones IS GOOD. None of these losses was permanent. Each day brings new mercies from His throne.

I have begun to pray bold prayers for favor for myself and my family. I am only asking God to do what He so eagerly desires to do. Provide for, protect, love, cherish, support, build up, guide, enhance, use, make fruitful and fill to the brim with fulfillment and joy each person I hold dear and me too! When the Holy Spirit is made welcome, something changes. Darkness has to leave. Despair has to lose its unholy grip.

The enemy doesn't trouble people who are not in love with Jesus. He doesn't take a whack at people who are content to live a quiet, passionless life outside of true intimacy with and service for the Lord. The good news for those of us who have decided to cross over into a sold-out brand of Christianity marked by daily obedience and FULL TRUST in God alone is that Satan can only swing his paper sword and roar behind his paper tiger mask. Jesus pulled his teeth at the cross. In Christ, we are victorious and he is completely defeated.

Wear the blood of Jesus today, Saints of God. Stand behind His robes of righteousness. Square your shoulders and focus on what He is doing in your life and in the lives of those you love. You may not see the evidence yet, but rest assured, He IS working.

A Roaring Fire

Holy smokes and stop the presses. Today's revelation was a big one. Gotta thank the local pastor on the radio yet again. I'll stop short of naming him, since he doesn't know me and I have no clue if he would approve of my blog, or of me in general, for that matter. He was chatting about fasting today. He was also quoting positive scriptures and talking about soaking our heads in them. (Okay, the soaking bit is my dramatic representation of his thoughts.)

This is a recurring theme the Lord is bandying about me lately, this claiming of the promises of God, this obedience and seeking leads to VICTORY business. As I sat in my car, looking out at the blue skies of a gorgeous sunny day, an unsettling question bubbled in my heart. Do I really want all of the blessings of God? Surely, the local pastor's words were so annointed and so challenging and so absolutely TRUTH-FILLED that I could hardly sit in the car with them. Even while he was super-charging my faith I was wanting him to stop so that I could be comfortable again.

The niggling thought that maybe I was afraid of the blessings of God, that maybe I was terrified of the hugeness of his plan for my life, that maybe I was shrinking back from the torrent of Himself that was about to come pouring over me if I would but yield fully to His Spirit just would not go away.

I am reminded of the Steven Curtis Chapman song that says "I'm diving in, I'm going deep..." What would it look like? Radically different than what I have experienced for the last twenty years. My life would burn like a roaring fire. The Holy Spirit would consume the enemy's plans for me. My thirsty soul would live again. I would THRIVE, not merely survive. My prayers would be answered. I would begin to stand in faith again. I would see my heart's desires come to fruition again and again. Things would change. Things WILL change. I am accepting the Holy Spirit's invitation to transform me, my circumstances, my life. I can't wait to record the results here.

The God Who Sees

If there is anything that sustains a believer in the spiritual war that begins at birth and ends when we walk into the arms of Jesus it is the certain knowledge that God sees and knows us individually.

Today, as I drove to an office supply store to return a calculator, locked in traffic on a busy commercial road, a local pastor's voice cut into my consciousness. He was talking about getting the joy of the Lord. It is our strength, he reminded listeners. He suggested prayer and being in the Word as the conduit. He said God wants to show himself to those who seek Him.  He quoted Ezra 8:22, "the hand of God is upon all them for good that seek him.(King James Version)" This is a verse I didn't remember hearing before. He also quoted my favorite verse: "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." (2 Chron. 16:9, NIV). This is when I burst into happy tears. I have been, for the last few days, seeking to turn over to the Lord a list of disappointments and worries that I have no control over. I have also been seeking to reclaim the sense that God is FOR me. That his favor goes before me, smoothing the rough places and flattening my foes. That His power is always at work in my behalf because I am His beloved. That He has a perfect plan for my life that Satan has no control over. That He sees and He cares. I knew he was using this man to place a slice of the divine into my car on a deadly dull errand in a monotonous daily location. In that moment, He diffused the boring with the supernatural and I could only cry in his presence. He was reminding me that He is the same personal God who has always walked before me and His glory is still, as it was for the Israelites fleeing Egypt, my everlasting rear guard.

On the way home from my errands, I pulled up to a light behind a compact car bearing the tag "Be Happe." I knew my Lord was, once again, hugging me to him tightly. He cares about whether or not we are happy. I don't care how many religious people tell  you he doesn't. He loves us more tenderly than we love our own children. He is for every single one of us who will fervently seek Him, the same God that he was to Hagar in the desert. "Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink." (Genesis 21:19) He will open our eyes to the solutions we need, giving us divine wisdom as to which paths to take and providing for us in our own private "deserts."

All of these things mean the world to me. However, today I just feasted on the fact that He loved me enough to see past the millions and millions of people on earth and in heaven to a middle-aged lady wearing a polka-dot blouse she bought on ebay who was locked in traffic on Kingston Pike in Knoxville, Tennessee, and show her that He loves her and wants a relationship with her. He feels the same way about you! Ask Him to refresh your spirit with some reminder of His personal interest in you.

Of Keychains and Hospital-Grade Lights...

Lots to say today. Many thoughts swirling. My day began pushing a buggy with a heavy tread at a discount grocery store. They have lots of stuff. You probably know the one I mean. I was praying all the way. You see, I hate mundane daily stuff. I have to force myself into the groove of them, and I am constantly popping out of said groove. My new time-management initiative involves only grocery shopping once a week. I kept wanting to move away from my list to all sorts of frivolity, like heart-shaped keychains with sayings ("DO NOT STOP AND REAL ALL OF THOSE KEEP THIS BUGGY MOVING," hollered the good angel on my shoulder).

Once I finished my "other" list, I headed into the food arena. I was supposed to, according to my "to-do" list  (gotta put that baby in quotes, because it will die a thousand deaths in the next few hours unless the good Lord intervenes), make a meal plan for the week, but as I strolled under the hospital-strength lights I formed one and tapped it into my phone. "Oh sheesh, tacos, breakfast at supper, ummm, we could have calzones, I can do my dorito chicken pasta casserole. I am getting pizza at least once. I am good," I mumbled aloud. 

At some point I passed a woman near my age, about twenty-five pounds lighter than me, trim and tightly groomed. She looked miserable, but I won't dwell on (or gloat about) that. WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE HER? I hate so many things, but my lack of discipline tops that list.

I struggled on home. I have already moved about five things on the "to do" list over to Wednesday. That's because it's raining, I have good snacks I can pop out of a can and bake, and there is plenty of housework to be done here. 

It's not that I want to stop being spontaneous, it's just that I wish I could have a heart that is bent on making good use of my time. On not wasting it. A heart that just says, "Lord, this day is yours. It is not mine to waste on meaningless stuff that doesn't advance me toward my goals. It is not mine to waste on purely selfish pursuits. It's YOUR day, Lord." I have made a list of personal goals. I am prayerfully seeking God's will for my life. I think discipline, order, hard work, excellence and planning are godly traits, because they lead to doing things well, which glorifies God. I am going to work on planning, following-through and discipline, all only through the power of the Holy Spirit. However, I know the key to changing my life is in changing my focus. If my focus is on obeying God, I will not waste the precious time He has given me. If I purpose in my heart not to waste that time, even if I do not get the first item on a given day's "to do" list done, I will have lived that day for Him. 

Where Rabbits Run

It was a scorcher here in Knoxville, Tennessee today. Added to the mercury outside was the heat of my intense personality. I woke up once again at the mercy of my tornado of emotions: one part late mid-life hormones, one part the swirling mass of feelings that has made up me since first I opened my eyes in birth. Prayed. Looked at the scriptures I have written on note cards.  Went about some chores in my hallmark wildly ADD fashion (mop one-half of the kitchen floor then sail quickly out back, pluck pet rabbit from hutch and race across the yard to put him in exercise pen so fast that he is probably doing the sign of the cross over his forehead, violently hose down hutch to get it ready for the little darling, finish mopping, get in car and oh, go to tile place to find a matching tile for broken one, then swerve into Petsmart for supplies and then over to Hobby Lobby for one item). Oh, I neglected to mention crying in the Hobby Lobby checkout. Almost forgot.

Wait. Who does that? I mean, really. We've all got stuff, right? Well, let me back up. I am dealing with some things. Things that leave me feeling for all of the world like I am spinning my wheels in the sand. I feel heartbroken by these challenges. I feel like I am balancing a bucket of pain on each shoulder. The burdens never lift. Emotionally, I feel like a broken down compact car from the seventies, gears grinding almost impotently. Like that wobbly little compact, sometimes I break down and a friend or family member must tow me off home with kind words or prayers. I am really down to metal on metal.

I am sure this is right where God wants me. I forgot to say that, just today, just a few moments ago, actually, God gave me favor in a way that comforted me. He loves me. I know this. When I am down to metal on metal I have a great opportunity to, as the worn out (but  true) adage goes: "Let go and let God." Let's see if I will. Let's see if I will let him carry my pain. I really do need to. I need to focus on whatever positive thing the day yields. I need to live in the moment. The lady who checked me out at Hobby Lobby said that life's challenges never get better, they just change from one set of hard things to another as we move through life. That is what made me break down into tears. She looked surprised and was probably sorry she upset me. I needed hope, not a terrible forecast. As I burst into the hot sunshine I was openly wiping tears, probably making everyone assume that I had recently gotten terrible news. I did not even care.

On the way home, I saw the "Tuesday Morning" store near my house. "I am going to get myself that butterfly mug I saw in the other Tuesday Morning store the other day," I thought. Once inside, I did not find that particular mug, but did find one that fit my life even better. Colorful rabbits graced the cheerful mug. As a pet lionhead rabbit owner, this one fit the bill! I sat down to a horribly interrupted cup of tea when I got home. So, I made myself another. Sometimes you just have to.

The Space Between Life and Living

Last night I dwelt in a pocket of time between life epochs, if only for a half hour. I felt the urge to see if I could find a "Baby Tenderlove" doll on ebay. You see, the earliest Christmas that I can remember prominently featured "Baby Tenderlove." I think I was four. I still believed in Santa Claus. I had asked for the doll, and stayed awake half the night thinking of holding it in my arms next day. I simply could not wait. When finally she was mine, I carried her with love and, well, tenderness. A relative tried to shame me for not seeming interested in the doll they gave me. I felt mild embarrassment but could not help my preference.

I found a couple of "Baby Tenderlove" dolls still in the box, and crazily priced. Then my eyes hooked on one. She was out of the box, her wisps of hair still intact. Her photo haunted me. The date on the ebay listing was 1972. A photo prominently displayed the Mattel 1972 stamp on the doll. Could this be exactly like the one I cherished so much? I agonized over whether or not to pay the very low price the seller asked.

I began the purchase process, getting all of the way to the paypal "confirm" button. What would I do with the doll? I could not very well display it. Did purchasing her mean I was becoming one of those little old ladies with dementia who play with dolls? Did it mean I was suffering from a scorching case of arrested development? What, exactly, would such a purchase mean? I aborted the process, but I think I have halfway divined what all of it meant, and means again today, in the gray light of an overcast late morning. Certainly a good time to divine things.

It seems to me that a lot of women in their mid to late forties (I will be forty-six next month) are content and happy. They have done with their lives what they set out to do. Me, not so much. I had dreams of being a writer. I also love people. I became a hermit over the last nine years. I have wasted so much time, it seems. Instead of having the happy, fulfilled experience of accomplishment, I have a heartbroken feeling that I put my light out with a wet blanket of fear and discouragement. I did everything I could over the last ten years to keep people from hurting me, to sauter off all pathways to rejection. Maybe gazing at the "Baby Tenderlove" doll reminded me that there is still time to bring back to life all of the parts of me that are truly me. Maybe it is time to keep meeting people until I know the people who will respond to the real me. They are out there. I know they are.

While I was recounting the "Baby Tenderlove" episode here just now, I heard the vibration of my phone from upstairs beside my bed. I went up there to get it. Here is what I found: a text from a Christian friend who I never really got the chance to know as closely I would have liked to, but whose depth of love and genuine Christianity shone through when I did not get a medal after a group of ladies in my neighborhood walked the Music City half marathon and she took hers off and gave it to me. She probably doesn't remember doing that. It's just who she is. Anyway, here's what the text said just now, as "Baby Tenderlove" was lighting up my Christmas morning here in the blog:

"'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.' (Proverbs 3: 5-6) So he will make my paths straight when I completely submit to him. How often am I missing his straight path b/c I'm not submitting?" Even while I was typing her text here, the reality of what she wrote was hitting me hard. God has a good plan. We foul it up with our refusal to submit to Him. He made us wonderfully unique. We are to serve each other and him, but we (listen up mothers) are never to lose who WE are in the process. He enjoys our uniqueness, our distinct personalities and giftings. It's HIS stamp on us. I don't have "MATTEL 1972" etched into my neck (thank goodness), but if I had anything like that it would read "God's Work, 1968".....or maybe just the Name of Jesus, since he redeemed me for eternity after God made me in His image and loved me uniquely as he was doing that.

Making a Life

I just read something crazily inspiring for a creative-type of any ilk, written (and illustrated) by someone much younger than me who has already discovered things I should know but do not practice.

A young lawyer with six-figure student loans tries life in the big city at a prestige law firm. Quickly she realizes that the price to be paid for her "dream" job (other people's dream, maybe, her parents' dream for her, definitely) is her absolute self. What is her "absolute" self, as I am referring to it here? (That's my word, not hers.) She's an artist. Over time she discovers that her inner artist has become someone she used to be, thanks to the finite amount of time each one of us human beings are given on this earth each and every day.

Well, you know where this is going. She chucks the stuffy, soul-killing, work-work-work life and heads on into life as an artist. By degrees. She begins by rebelling a tiny bit against the dress code. Bit by bit she wades into the waters of the reclamation of her soul. Now she's a full-time artist. She is free.

Everything I think and try to do has a tieback to God. He is the creator of my soul. He is the life behind my spirit and the only reason I can get up in the morning. He created me to love writing, to thrive on shaping and bending and manipulating language to let someone know exactly how I feel, what I have seen, what I think I know.

Sometimes I have heard my son play his guitar for hours. When he is doing that, I imagine time stands still for him. He is experiencing what it means to be fully alive. When your work is not tied to your passion, it MUST have limits drawn around it to leave room for your passion. I pray for my kids' futures, that what they love will be tied up into what they make a living at. Because after all, minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, they won't be making a living, they'll be making a life.

Between His Shoulders

I have had lifelong issues with anxiety. I remember feeling surges of panic and horror as a child. Most of my fears have to do with how I feel I have or might in the future let someone down, or whether or not I have done something or not done something in the same fashion that other, better people (because everyone has always been better than me in my mind) would have done it. There have been times when my self-flagellation has been justified. However, unlike most people, who repent, ask forgiveness of others, and move on, I micro-analyze my shortcomings and wallow in deep, dark dungeons of guilt and self-hatred. I also am very certain, based on feedback from people I trust, that a large percentage of the time there is nothing to hate myself for. I just always feel like I should. If something bad might happen and it will not be my fault in some way, I am sometimes very peaceful, because I know God will step in. Why wouldn't He? That's what a loving and faithful father does! The idea that He will poor grace on my humanity and honor the overall intent of my heart to love and serve him and others just keeps coming up by the roots, like a flimsy weed.

How can I get the assurance of God's love, protection, favor and peace to grow in my heart like a mighty oak planted near a stable water source? I have had some ideas, and they have born fruit in my life recently. I started to study scriptures on fear, anxiety and peace. Washing my mind with those every day has made a difference. The direction I find in the Bible is a constant source of comfort. I have made strides! I still call people too much to ask for help with my overwhelming  feelings of fear at times. I still pace some. I still have some incidents where, suddenly, my bright and beautiful world turns quickly dark with anxiety. All of the things that bring me joy turn impotent and sad. However, I am far from losing hope because I have seen the difference renewing my mind with prayer and the Word has made. I know who is coming against me. Here's what God says about him in his Word, the Bible:

"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44, New International Version, Holy Bible, copyright 1984)

Last night I remembered a part of a verse and looked it up this morning. It is the Lord's word over the tribe of Benjamin. "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." At the same time that this imagery comforted me, it scared me just a little. I am a little intimidated by such intimacy with God. I will pray today that God will show me, and that I will open my eyes to see that I am worth such closeness with my heavenly father. No one who lets you rest your head on their chest can hold you in contempt at the same time.

Don't Ya Take My Book From Me....

Technology both fascinates and frustrates me! I spent thirty minutes or more just now trying to figure out which gmail address is linked to this blog, since it had been so long since I had written here. Arghhhh!!! I still use a pen-and-paper appointment book. Cannot imagine not having it. There is some comfort for me in seeing items written in my own hand. A road map, if you will, that reinforces to me that I am going somewhere, and that, since I took the time and went to the effort to write the "to-do" list down, I will remember to do all of the items contained therein. It's weird, I know. I was in a biblestudy this past spring. When the facilitator gave dates, everyone whipped out their phone. I don't keep up with my commitments that way.

"Why do you carry that book around? It's embarrassing," said my seventeen-year-old just a couple of weeks ago. "Security blanket," was my clipped reply. "I know it will never have technical problems and lose all my data." He didn't have to digest that for long. "You could lose the book," he said diffidently. Thanks for that, but the book is still in action. In fact, it's right beside me on this sofa now.

There is no real connection between the deeper issues in life and  my stubborn refusal to move with the times, my clinging to old, tried-and-true ways of doing things. Except maybe this: some things are absolutely timeless. These are the things that I am working so hard to let God make BIG in my life. "You are working hard to let God do something?" I can hear you pragmatic types thinking, or maybe, if you have taken the time out of your super-structured, task-oriented day to read this blog, even saying out loud. You make a good point. I guess what I mean is that I am trying to be aware of letting Him into every aspect of my day to work into my laziness, lack of discipline and loosey-goosey, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants time management the order that He wants me to operate with. The hard work, the focus. All of that is what He wants. If He did not, He wouldn't expect me to do anything with the good gifts He has blessed me with.

So leave my paper appointment book alone. It might be chock-full of boring details, but at least it's pretty (purple with a bit of a sheen). That's my nod to the notion that journey is supposed to be a delight.

Pearls

I am always drawing analogies from nature. Can't help myself. After all, God did say this about creation: "The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth  by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." (Romans 1:18-20, The Holy Bible, New International Version)

We can learn about God from nature.

The other day I was looking out at a bird feeder that overhangs my deck. What I initially thought was a cumbersome, ugly black bird was laying into it, while a compadre stood nearby, waiting his or her turn to pillage my delicate feeder, the perches sized perfectly for dainty chickadees. Almost immediately I saw that there was a little more to this bird. While it definitely showcased the harsh physiognomy of a blackbird; severe face and body outline and heavy weight, this bird looked a little different in the light. As the weak rays of an early spring day filtered onto its glossy feathers, something magical happened. Iridescent shades of purple, gold and blue reflected from the bird's otherwise unseemly form. I ran to my Tennessee birds guidebook. Apparently, what I had was a common grackle grazing at my feeder. Enchanted by his or her colors, I did not run the bird off, as I normally do when blackbirds of any ilk dare to profane my stores of birdseed.

When I see vultures by the side of the road, I almost always emit an involuntary shudder. They are the steeple bell ringers of death in my eyes. Something had to die for them to show up. Plain and simple. I put black birds in much the same category. They just look dreary, and seem to have no purpose other than to muck things up. They cast a black pall on whatever lovely tree they land in. The common grackle who ate lunch on my deck the other day reminded me of another time in my life, almost as dark and challenging as the present. This period was nearly twenty years ago. In the midst of heart-rending grief, confusion and pain, God was so present in my life. He showed up. He loved me. I felt tenderly cared for and I enjoyed  wonderful fellowship with Him. His love in the narrows of life was like the gorgeous, shining, shape and contour changing glow of the grackle's colors.

God's love is like a hidden treasure in the center of a soul-wearying trial. Today I want to dig deep until I have my hands on it, feel the coolness of the priceless pearls of His fellowship running through my hands. I want to feel the joy of seeing Him work things out for me and for those I love.

Pour the Me out of Me, Father

Interestingly enough, my last blog post centered on the little foxes that destroy the vines. My life has been rife with those ever since! Worries, pleasant distractions, illusions of catastrophe and the fear of catastrophe...you name it, the enemy has brought it. I have wavered and cried, but in the end, by the Lord's power I will do what the writer said in Psalms 121. "I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (v. 1-2, The Holy Bible, New International Version.)

I can doubt, look at the circumstances surrounding me, believe them, believe the Father of Lies, look at what that old fool is doing, look to my own resources (as pitiful as a needle of pine straw) or I can put my hope fully in the God of this Psalm.

"He will not let your foot slip--he who watches over you will not slumber, indeed he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you--the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm--he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (v. 3-7)

I don't want to live in rebellion to the Holy Spirit. I am fully convinced that that is the only thing that takes me off of my loving Heavenly Father's protective radar. And even that does not remove me from His love. He HAS to let me reap the consequences of my rebellion, and anything less than full submission to the Holy Spirit's cleansing, filling, and gentle direction is outright rebellion. We can call it anything else that we like, but it is so.

Father, pour all of the me out of me and fill me with all of You today.

Little Foxes

The theme that is on my heart so heavily today is waste. God has given each of us a job to do on this earth. Why do we so often waste the time He has given us?

Now, I am not talking about time we spend enjoying a good movie, walking our dog on a gorgeous spring day or enjoying a coffee break with a treasured friend whose sweet spiritual counsel lifts us high above every storm or whose sense of humor helps us get our perspective back. Those activities energize us. They put gas in the tank for our work, inspire us, or just plain strengthen us emotionally so that we can jump back into the fray of our own individual callings.

Those of us who are bound and determined to follow Christ at all costs are going to face tremendous opposition in this life. Often that opposition comes in the form of direct challenges to our callings. Someone attacks the quality of our work, or a door closes that we think means the end of something when in fact God is blowing back a bigger door to a bigger opportunity in that arena. But at the time the setbacks feel like the heat of battle. We feel discouraged at times. We need God's help to stand again.

The type of time-wasting I am referring to has to do with groups we join or activities we engage in "for fun" which seem harmless to the outside world. We jump right in, even though we have a check in our spirit that this group or this activity is not really part of God's perfect plan FOR US! We spend hours in mindless banter with people who don't share our values and who we are not really witnessing to about God's grace and love. We have no confirmation in the Spirit that we need to be stopping off here, but stop we do anyway.

 I'll give a more concrete potential scenario that might resonate with some of you. Let's say Susan B. Christian is humming along, cleaning her house and enjoying her day. She has lots to do but decides she will troll the internet for fun. Along the way she stumbles on a forum for local people who raise ferrets. Susan has ALWAYS wanted a ferret. She rapidly joins the forum and asks a million questions. There is a chatroom associated with the forum. Next thing Susan knows, she has jumped into "groupthink" and purchased a ferret, in spite of all of the personal reasons she never had before Her kids love it, she likes it. It's interesting for awhile. Now, whenever Susan is bored, she hops in that chatroom and dazzles the crew with her wit and wisdom. They love her. Next thing Susan knows, she is meeting Linda for coffee, a wonderful ferret-lover like Susan (Susan never knew she was one until she joined this group). This becomes a weekly event. Linda doesn't know the Lord, is not really interested, and steers any religious conversation back to ferrets.

Meanwhile, Susan's life is humming along well. She gets most of her daily work done, goes to church, reads the Bible to her kids at dinner and prays with those in need. She is still doing her volunteer work and taking time to pray by herself, although Binky the ferret is a bit of an inconvenience and does not bring the joy he once did. He just throws a little kink in here and there in many of her otherwise SEAMLESS days.

One day Susan and Linda meet for coffee at the mall. Linda says to Susan "You know, you have shared so much about how your husband hurts your feelings. Maybe you should get a divorce. I really think you should. You have really low self-esteem and I am sure it's his fault, based on what you have told me. I think all of your problems tie back to him. Get rid of him and you're rid of all of your problems." Susan sits staring wide-eyed at Linda. "I don't want a divorce," she stammers....then her people-pleasing nature kicks in and she begins to extoll all of her husband's virtues so that Linda (who has never met her husband) will see that she is wrong.

Alone in her car on the drive home, Susan goes over in her mind every negative remark she has ever made about her husband to Linda. She stews about this for days. Every time she goes to the ferret forum she wonders if Linda is talking about her to the others in the community, perhaps even others in her neighborhood!  Finally, she finds herself down on her knees asking God for release from the emotional toll the whole thing has taken on her.  He gently reminds her that she never asked Him whether or not she should get a ferret. Susan repents.

The lesson in this potential scenario is that, as the saying goes, it is INDEED the little foxes that will spoil the vines. All of the emotional energy it took Susan to get out of the funk caused by Linda's remarks could have been aimed at worthwhile pursuits. Getting the animal, spending time with unbelievers on the forum, getting together with someone who did not share her values on a regular basis, all added up to wasted time and, in the end, wasted emotional energy that Susan had to sort out at the foot of the cross.

The Bible calls Satan a "roaring lion seeking whom he may devour"....we can stand strong in the armor of God. However, we just shouldn't let those little foxes in in the first place. We'll have enough big ones coming at us to keep us busy on our knees. Time is short believers!!!! Pray and ask God to direct your every step. Then trust Him to do it!!!

When Passion Fails

Today I want to do a call-out to all of you who feel lost, unfulfilled and dead inside when you approach your work for the day. Each and every day. Some of you have been called lazy. Some have wondered whether or not this is actually true of you, though you may vividly recall a specific time when you were very, very productive. Passionate, even.

What you are struggling with is a lack of motivation, not an intrinsic laziness. What in the blue blazes is the difference, you may be saying out loud, with annoyance. The more task-oriented among us have already clicked away from this blog. Too much to get done, no time for someone to beat around the bush.

I'll tell you what the difference is. When we don't see a point in our efforts, some higher purpose, we QUIT. Nearly all of us. Oh, we may be going through the motions, but we do not excel. We do not flourish. Our primary motivation for doing what we do WELL should be to bring glory to God. And yes, that means cleaning the sink well. So our first task is to draw near to God for the strength to do a better job at everything we put our hands to.

But there is something far deeper at play when we don't want to start our day. We lack PASSION. Did you know that there are people who have a passion for the craft of paper folding? It's called origami. I cracked open a book once, intent on teaching my child how to make works of art from paper. The book was summarily closed for all time after a titanic struggle to make a paper Christmas ornament. Not my gifting.

What you need to do, what you MUST do, is concentrate on the areas in which God has gifted you, and find some work to do which puts those talents on full display. You will lose yourself in such work. You will find a fulfillment rise that has to do with being who you were created to be! You may be in a situation where you cannot find a job which meets such criteria. THAT IS OKAY. Find a volunteer position which does. Or, AND THIS IS NOT BLASPHEMY, carve out time for a hobby which lets you find the free expression of your talents and interests. You know, God enjoys watching you be the you he made you to be. He really does. It's part of the joy He found in making you and then setting you on a path to know Him. Sometimes it's okay to just be who you are. That's part of God's plan too, you know. He already has the world in his capable hands. It's a privilege to join Him in what He is doing. Being who He made you to be is step one. Let every day feature a few moments of doing something you are passionate about. You never know where it might lead. If it only leads to joy, so be it!

You do you. That's what you're called to, and that's what you'll be best at.

The Simple Life

I decided just now that I am making this life thing a whole heck of a sight more complicated than it was ever meant to be. A friend said to me today, "We have a calling in life and when we have fulfilled it we will go home to Jesus." I already knew this. However, I like to muddy the waters with continual wanderings and wonderings.

Let me explain (briefly, to your relief). One of my favorite habits over the past decade was what I will not-so-affectionately term the "try-very-gingerly-and-then-retreat-at-first-sign-of-setback-failure-or-rejection" method of determining my destiny in life. This retreat strategy was always followed by "sit-at-home-and-do-little-ya-can't-be-hurt-that-way" mode of action, er, inaction.

In short, I became a semi-recluse who doesn't try much of anything new and who takes precious few chances. I wasted a lot of time. I have decided that, instead of agonizing over whether or not something is in God's plan for me, feeling ever more like I cannot hear from Him, I will develop my relationship with Him, pray to Him, do my best to keep in step with His spirit, and then DIVE into life full force. He will help me to whittle away time-wasters and I know he will jerk me back from wrong turns, because my heart will be in the right place.

Back to the statement my friend made. It thoroughly yanked me back into reality. No, all of the markers of success the world looks to are not reality. They are transient. They are like chaff. Blink and they are blown away. What she said strengthened my resolve to make the most of my life, because God has work for me to do. Every single day. Even when I am resting by necessity, I am filling my tank for the next task He is going to give me. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, the disappointments and heartaches that I feast my mind on, thereby draining my spirit, are weakening my focus. Only what we do for Christ will last. We are only passing through.

It's time to do life. Every single day.

Nature Speaks....Again!

In a micro-burst of this-unstructured-holiday-has-gone-on-too-long blues I jumped in my car, grabbed a Starbucks Gingerbread latte and headed for the Williamson County countryside this morning. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish. I think sometimes I expect the answers to my many life questions will come bounding out of the hills like the deer I so often see on these jaunts.

They never have and did not this time. But I did make some observations I thought might be worth recording. For my own perusal next time I am face-down in the muddy waters of life. (Some time tomorrow.)

I made a decision a very long time ago to forego career aspirations and stay home with my kids. They are teenagers now. Just in time for me to question said decision. Just in time for me to wonder if I am crazy for throwing two college degrees into the wind, for burying every single thing I ever dreamed of doing when I was young and impulsive like they are. No, I do not regret being available to them, helping them, watching them achieve so many milestones. Not at all. But sometimes I wonder if I am now, at age forty-five, like an old pickup stuck in a muddy ravine. A ravine that gets rain 24/7.  If I will ever spring to life and use any of the talents God gave me, or even really recognize them anymore. What chills me further is the idea of not sharing with others, not involving myself in their lives, not making a difference. As a reaction to rejection, real and perceived, I have become reclusive to some degree. This needs to change, but I am walled in by so many insecurities. Selfish, I know.

At some point I thought about turning my car around and heading home, but didn't see a good turnaround spot right away. Additionally, I wanted to go a little further, see something I had never seen. It reminded me of life in the Spirit. About how as we go along with God we see more and more of who He is, more of His plan. The deeper we go, the more likely we'll see what we have never seen before. Suddenly I noted that the Steven Curtis Chapman song playing in my car was about "diving in"....going deeper in the Spirit. At the same time a river appeared on my left. It might have been a hugely swollen creek, but it was rushing along with a lot of force. I smiled. At some point on my way home a song on the CD moved me to tears. I was feeling so alone and bereft when it suddenly occurred to me that the words then being sung were something to the effect of "you are being loved right now" and "there's a song that's being sung over you".... wow.